Love, loss and headphones (a story of grief)

 Hey everyone, so glad to find the community. You can call me T, I have been a headphone/hifi enthusiast for 12 years now, since 13. Something about new headphones, ipods always made me so happy, upgrading slowly over the years. My first fiio at 17 was mind blowing, starting me down the hifi rabbit hole, I started building my own home theater from there, learning to dj and continuing my art practice. I was 13 years old when I lost my father, fifteen and sixteen losing my grandmothers, at 18 I lost two close friends. I never considered myself a stranger to loss. 

  
  Throughout my teen years I had alot of gear stolen by abusive family members, I had to learn to work, save and build my collections back up, bikes, headphones, players, jewelry, even clothing and cologne, nothing was off limits. Eventually I find my way out of home, living on my own being happy, 22. Get into my first committed relationship, hes a musician and producer, how perfect... I was on a pink cloud, we get our own apartment after seven months, life on south beach is amazing, I'm happy, healthy, learning to live in relative stability, safety for the first time; tho apparently not for him, I was too needy(he just wanted to be alone) Four days after my birthday, I'm being dumped, told to leave the apartment, I have to move back home. 

  
     I was destroyed. Having to move back into a home where my things were stolen and I was abused, tho the perpetrator is gone now. I learn to heal, blast my system (Harmon receiver, jbl surrounds and infinity floor standing, two ten inch woofers) I listen to washed out, lsd and the search for God, Jesus and Mary chain, I cry, I sing, I laugh, a few days pass, still lost in grief over losing my relationship, I make an attempt on my life. I am swiftly institutionalized, terrified, tho still holding on to hope, just looking forward to getting back to my gear, I get home after three days and try to go back to normal. Start to realize how abusive the relationship actually was (I was basically trapped) Focus on healing. My oldest brother starts visiting with us, I'm so happy about it. I show him music I enjoy, music I have been working on, he encourages my art practice, I show him paintings, we smoke, we talk, we laugh. Things are finally going back to normal, I spend time with my nieces and nephews. I take gratitude, holding on to these memories, I knew they wouldn't last long. I didn't know it would be the last I would see my brother alive. 

   
     Two nights later I hear my mother screaming his name, begging him to wake up, the sound is piercing, my blood runs cold. I run downstairs and I see the nightmare, he is slumped over in the bathroom, we already knew what was happening. I try the narcan, cpr, nothing works. Ambulance comes...my house is now a crime scene. having to explain to my mother that he wouldn't be going to the hospital, that it was too late to try was heartbreaking. I feel raw, depressed, working hard not to fall back into the dark place I was after the breakup. The brother we all loved is gone, a father and husband, the man who first showed me fl studio, the man who encouraged my art, and helped me with my first surround, the brother I had all these lifelong memories with, is gone. The whole family is shaken, I have to explain to my nephews why their dad isn't coming back home; my heart is shattered and I struggle for a while to move on. 

 
      Onwards two months, My fiio m11 dies, I get the m11+, ex doesn't return my AKGs, I cut him off. Decide fuck it, nows my chance to dive back into the headphone game. Start researching, looking into planar vs dynamics, impedance vs sensitivity, start brushing up on all these terms and specs, balanced vs single ended, closed back vs open, etc... I feel myself finally getting back to things I enjoy, my head spins with choices and new info. I decided on a pair of hifiman he 4xx, place the order and wait. Downloaded high res files to test them with, prepare my art room for listening, buy a stand for my dap, finally get them, and my mind is blown. Listening to Stevie Knicks, piero umiliani, lsd and the search for God, egberto gismonti, lapalux, boards of Canada, bonobo, the flashbulb, all the music I had shown my brother Evian in the weeks before he passed. I am over taken with emotion, I start to cry. these headphones regularly bring tears to my eyes, I never realized how much the cans can actually change things, surely if it was just the music my Ath m50 would be doing the same? But they don't. 

  
    I feel proud of my purchase, proud I have something to share. I let my friends and family demo them, their reactions ranging from actual tears, to smiling and laughing, to down right astonishment at what they are hearing, it brings me so much joy. They give me a reason to enjoy my day, and relax and the end of it, these planars have completely reignited my passion for sound to the point it brings me to tears, I feel happy to finally have an appropriate pairing for my dap. It's been alot of hard work of course, kicking habits that no longer served me, choosing the things that bring me joy, I never knew a pair of headphones can actually be so healing. That a pair of headphones marked the end of my grief for a former relationship, that a pair of headphones helped me process the loss of my own brother. blowing my mind open to new music, new experiences, and a new way to be, to process my emotions. I know this post is a little bit raw, I have been wanting to share this for a while, to show that this hobby really helps people, it may even save lives, maybe give someone out their some hope. I know it's only a pair of headphones, it what you do with them that decides their final value, like family and memories, I am learning to cherish the smallest of moments, I know it will take time to heal fully. Wishing only the best for everyone here, and that no one experiences loss like this. Never forget to cherish what you have, you never know when it will be gone.

(corrected for legibility)