I [M32] have been financially supporting myself and my [F32] wife for years.

Submitted by ThrowRA2654 t3_127p8vc in relationship_advice

I'll keep this as concise as possible. I've been with my partner for over 10 years at this point. She's my best friend, the easiest person to exist around, and the person I desire to be around the most. We were both working relatively low paying jobs at the time we met, but over the years, my salary has risen significantly, while my wife's multiple jobs have been stagnant ever since. about two years ago we were financially stable enough to buy our first home, so we did.

Since then, she's gone through 3 jobs, and is now jobless. She suffers from anxiety and depression, and has done all the right things (Go to therapy, get on medication, etc.) , but nothing seems to be helping. She's applying to jobs daily, but nothing seems to stick. I guess I was hoping that some down time would give her some time to relax and maybe even follow through on some of her hobbies. It's been three months now, and instead of using the time for hobbies, it's been mostly a lot of days of laying in bed or sitting on the couch reading books or looking through TikTok.

The main problem is, being in charge of our finances (Overseeing the mortgage, insurance, utilities, car payment, etc.), I'm the one who has been slowly watching our savings drain after 10 years of hard work. I've brought this up with my partner, and have done things like improve her resume and be as supportive as possible. I've been to therapy in the past as well, but therapy won't make money magically appear.

My mental health has deteriorated in the past three months significantly as I watch our savings drain. There was a time when we first started dating, that I was working 12-14 hours most days of the week, and I don't think I can handle that again as a solution. I'm at a loss of what to do, as I feel the need to keep on a happy supportive face in her time of need, while also slipping into depression, having regular panic attacks, and also still showing up for work 45 hours a week. Any advice is welcome.

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trishsf t1_jef4fa6 wrote

This isn’t okay. Here’s the real question. Is this a dealbreaker? It would be for me. I would be clear. I will not be the sole support for us. I can’t be. She has no business doing anything but looking for a job right now. You need to have a serious discussion. Don’t give any ultimatum that you aren’t willing to follow through on. I’m sorry this is happening.

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ThrowRA2654 OP t1_jef64f6 wrote

>Is this a dealbreaker?

I'd be willing to go down with this ship, in whatever form that comes to (Over 10 years of warm love is a strong drug).

As I mentioned, she actively applies to jobs most days, but not the jobs that would be easily attainable (anything customer service/food industry related), because they're a big part of why she has so much anxiety now.

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UsuallyWrite2 t1_jef60nc wrote

Something that stuck out for me (44F) was they she’s seeing doctors and a therapist and things aren’t improving AND she isn’t doing the hard work of actively pursuing work. Has she been screened for ADHD? I didn’t get diagnosed until my 40’s and for years was being treated for anxiety and depression—nothing was working well because my anxiety and depression were secondary to the ADHD. I had so much self hate and had to use so much energy to get even simple things done.

Whether it’s ADHD or mental health though, these are reasons, not excuses.

You need to very clearly communicate to her how you are feeling. Not what she needs to do but how YOU feel and why. She may not realize how much this impacting your mental health. She needs to go get a job now. Today. McDonalds, the corner convenience store—whatever. She can keep looking for the ideal position and be bringing in some money.

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ThrowRA2654 OP t1_jef72yr wrote

Thanks for the response.

The ADHD thing is definitely on the table, and definitely rings a bell. I've been communicating pretty clearly for a while now, the problem is mainly that she is actively applying for jobs, but avoiding customer service forward/food service jobs all together, because a history of working in those industries is a big contributor to her now prevalent anxiety. (Spending years of 40 hours a week with strangers yelling at you because they're latte isn't hot enough will do that to you).

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JMarie113 t1_jef5jqx wrote

You are enabling her. Split the finances, and make it clear how much she is expected to contribute monthly. Do not pay her share. Let her know she has to keep a job and pay her portion and that you will separate. No excuses. She has therapy if she needs it. She does this because you allow it.

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