26F 25M Fiance keeps watching porn

Submitted by ThrowRA_KristiAmbers t3_12579gz in relationship_advice

I've been engaged to a man for over a year. We're thinking of getting married this summer.

I have caught him looking at porn on numerous occasions now.

I know he's a guy and he has urges. But why am I not enough for him?

Yes, we have sex. I try very hard to be a good lover. We have sex 4-5 times a week. He has a very high sex drive, so I don't mind if he needs to get off by himself sometimes.

I'm petite; I don't have the biggest chest or butt. The porn I've seen him watching is usually of women who are full-figured.

I want to spend the rest of my life with this man, but it feels like he wants something better than me. I can't make my body different. (I can't afford breast surgery, nor do I want it.)

Please help. I'm feeling really insecure. I don't yell at him when I catch him watching it, but he doesn't say or do anything to reassure me. He has “finished” himself off when I've left the room crying.

He says he wants to see "variety" in what he looks at. I guess I can live with that.

What I couldn't live with is if he starts wanting "variety" in who he sleeps with.

Tell me if I'm being overly dramatic. I'm not trying to be a victim but I don't feel loved when he's pleasuring himself to other women right in front of me.

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xvszero t1_je2tgj9 wrote

I feel like there are a few things probably true here.

  1. He's probably never going to stop looking at porn.
  2. It's not about you "not being enough" or whatever.
  3. It doesn't necessarily mean he will want "variety" in who he sleeps with.
  4. But that doesn't mean you have to like it. Kind of up to you to decide what you do about it.
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ThrowRA_KristiAmbers OP t1_je6d2ge wrote

Thank you for your answer.

I'm going to tell him exactly how I'm feeling: That his watching and beating off to porn makes me feel awful and unloved. And that if he wants to spend forever with me, he's going to have to choose between me and the porn.

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xvszero t1_je6kucr wrote

While I don't think this is wrong I can tell you what will almost certainly happen. He will agree to it to keep you, hide it from you, you'll find out he is still doing it and feel betrayed and be hurt worse. Basically no one actually quits porn for a partner.

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ThrowRA_KristiAmbers OP t1_je6mxs0 wrote

That makes sense.

It hurts, but it makes sense.

I've got a lot of thinking to do.

Thank you for your honesty.

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