My husband (30M) wants kids in the future and I (26F) realized in the past months/years that I indeed don‘t

Submitted by nocluesince1996 t3_10pmga8 in relationship_advice

Me (26F) and my husband (30M) have been married for almost 2 years. We are from different countries, (we met studying in another country) I moved to his place almost 4 years ago. We love and appreciate eachother very much, the relationship is respect- and peaceful.

I knew from the beginning he would like to have children one day, he on the other hand knew that I wasn‘t too fond of the idea. But however (naively) we didn‘t think much about it as we were young and „somehow it will all turn out alright“.

At this given moment we are not planning kids at all, as we both have other priorities. I somehow think I already gave up so much for this relationship (moving 6000+ miles, leaving everyone and everything behind, learning a new language, living with his family for 1.5 years, even „convert“ and being a catholic, etc) I feel now it‘s his turn to sacrifice. Is this a cruel thought? He didn‘t force me to do all of this, it was my decision.

After months of research and thinking my feeling about the topic manifested and I came to the conclusion that it‘s best for me (or the kid in question) not to have children.

There is no pressure about having kids soon, I told him my worries (many different reasons) he is kind and understands my point of view. I have cried in the past and was desperate about the topic, he comforts me and says don‘t worry (about that now) we‘ll find a way.

But this topic is nagging on my mental wellbeing for quite some time. Should I talk directly to him and say: I will never want kids, I won‘t change my mind, can you accept that? Because he doesn‘t give me the impression to be concerned or about it being a problem.

TLDR: Husband wants kids in the future, I am sure that I don‘t. We are both aware of the situation, what‘s the best way to continue?

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msmongolian t1_j6lcoqo wrote

Yes, you should tell him. He thinks your position is no kids right now. He needs to know that you’ve now realized it’s no kids ever.

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UnneccessaryC t1_j6lcutu wrote

Yes, you should directly tell him that you do not ever want kids. Clear communication is vital for marriages. It is also something you should not give in to just because he wants them.

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BrockVelocity t1_j6lipe0 wrote

>I told him my worries (many different reasons) he is kind and understands my point of view.
>
>...
Should I talk directly to him and say: I will never want kids, I won‘t change my mind, can you accept that?

Wait, if you haven't told him that already, what have you told him? What exactly did you say when you "told him [your] worries?"

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zuicun t1_j6m1jtt wrote

You have to tell him, this is a big deal and you both should be in the same page if you both want to be happy. That way at least he can make informed decisions.

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Elle_belle32 t1_j6p9ahi wrote

Sacrifice is something that has to be a decision made by the party making the sacrifice... If not it's just coercion, manipulation, or abuse. It sounds like you made your choices freely... You owe it to the good relationship that you have to be 100% honest. You do not want children. And if he wants children it will not be with you. So then he has a choice to make. And you shouldn't do anything to influence that choice further. If he genuinely feels like being a father is something his life won't feel complete without. Then he needs to leave you. And you need to let him. If it's a sacrifice he is willing to make and one that he won't hold against you as you continue to grow, then you can feel more secure in the decision to be together, knowing that he won't be asking that part of you to change. But he doesn't owe you the sacrifice of giving up something he's dreamed of. No one knows that to anyone else.

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TheCaliforniaOp t1_j6lba1q wrote

I’m thinking that you stated your thoughts very clearly.

You’ve sacrificed (we’ll say chosen to change, to give you back some semblance of “choice”) many life paths.

Now you want to make sure that your husband doesn’t expect you to always be that way…am I right?

You don’t want to be trapped in the housework/outwork/childbearing/diaper-changing maze alone.

Sounds reasonable to not make a fuss just yet but quietly notice what his family does and expects.

Then…how does that stack up against your life hopes and dreams?

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notunek t1_j6lh1r4 wrote

You have been honest with your husband and told him from the start that you don't want children. So that's good for you. He cannot say that he didn't know that.

Rather than concentrating on all the reasons you don't want kids I would emphasize the benefits of not having them. You can mention having more disposible income, traveling, enjoying hobbies, etc.

Let him know that if he wants to be around children you will look for some kids of friends or neighbors and you can all go camping for the weekend. That might cure his itch.

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GodEmperorPotato t1_j6p5nu5 wrote

His wanting children is just as valid as her not wanting him. That whole benefits of not having them he probably knows . Also it wasn't a set in stone thing with her. If he wants them and she doesn't the marriage will of course run its course

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