Submitted by LazarYeetMeta t3_127h33k in tifu
TL;DR I crossed a line with one of my closest friends without knowing it, and even though she says it’s okay, I’m scared that our friendship might be over.
Obligatory “this didn’t happen today” but it was yesterday and less that 24 hours ago so it was still kind of today. Anyways buckle up ‘cause this is a bit of a ride.
Last night at around 2 am, I started having a panic attack. I figured it would go away within an hour or so, but it didn’t. I went for a walk, which didn’t help. I started trying to hurt myself, which also didn’t work because I was using my bare hands. After about four or five hours of this, I was contemplating su*cide, which for me isn’t a terribly uncommon thing, unfortunately.
I had a brief moment of clarity and I realized I could go to a coffee shop where a friend was working so I wouldn’t be alone. I went in, said hi to her and sat down. My hands were shaking so I got a glass of water, and I stayed there for about 45 minutes until I felt safe enough to go back to my dorm room (I’m a college freshman) and try to sleep.
I wasn’t able to fall asleep. Every time I closed my eyes, I had flashbacks to a different bad memory, so I put on some music and tried to block out the trauma. This went on for another five hours or so until I was finally able to rest. I woke up after an hour or so and I checked my phone, as I always do. A text from my friend at the coffee shop had just come in.
She told me that my being at the coffee shop during her shift was making her uncomfortable. I’ve gone there when I knew she was working before, probably two or three times. There wasn’t anyone else there, so it was definitely awkward for her, especially considering I didn’t really say anything. She told me that she knew I wasn’t trying to make her feel uncomfortable, but I needed to stop coming by when I knew she was working, at least when I was just coming to see her. I told her I was really sorry, that I didn’t mean to make her uncomfortable, and that it wouldn’t happen again, and she told me it was okay.
Now here comes the fun part: my parents didn’t raise me to know what boundaries were, so this isn’t the first time someone has had to talk to me about overstepping boundaries or crossing lines. (Not that the way I was raised excuses what I did, I’m well aware that my actions are my own and I have to face the consequences for them.) And every time that’s happened, it’s cost me the friendship with the person. So when I got that text, the first thing I thought was that I killed our friendship. Which sent me into a massive panic attack yet again, because this particular friend is my only emergency contact and was the person who stayed by my side for five hours in the hospital after I attempted self-unalivement. The idea of losing her sent me into a horrible spiral.
I know that none of this is her fault, and I’m not blaming her for it. She set boundaries and I’m glad that she did, because otherwise I wouldn’t know that I was doing anything wrong. But in any case, there’s a good chance this fuck-up cost me one of my closest friends.
JessieOwl t1_jee9eml wrote
Im sorry you are having a bad time of it.
Some context needed to see this from your friend’s perspective. Are you male or female? How long have you been friends? Did you explain why you were there to your friend?
If I was working alone at night and someone arrived in an agitated state, then said and did very little for 45mins, it would make me feel more than a little uncomfortable.
If it was a male I had not know for long, even (and often especially) if we were ‘friends’ that could have the potential to make me feel extremely vulnerable.
If you have not explained why you were there, you really need to do so. You could also come up with a ‘code’ word or phrase you can use in the future to covey what is happening if talking becomes too much.
I also highly recommend you make a ‘lifeboat’ bag, like, right now. Grab a rucksack and put in:
a (longlife) drink and snack.
Some cash.
A short list of ‘safe’ people, and their contact info.
(You could also include any hotlines or support group info. On my ‘lifeboat list’ I had taxi numbers and info of a local hotel).
A list of ‘safe’ places, like your friend’s coffee shop. (Try to include places which are 24hour.) Libraries are good, fast-food places, a hotel lobby or even an airport, a supermarket… just somewhere nearish with lights and people.
Fling in a charged powerbank and cable for your phone.
A comfy sweater that smells good.
A notebook and some pens.
Something that will ground you or provide escape, depending on your needs. (For me, a favourite book, earphones and a photo of my kids.)
Now throw the bag in the top of your closet or under your bed and forget about it. Hopefully ‘future you’ won’t ever need it, BUT if they ever feel like they’re drowning again, they can grab their lifeboat, get to a ‘safe’ place and reach out to safe people.
Then future you can think about how much ‘past you’ cared. How much effort they put in to helping themselves after the last time. After they made it through the night and dawn broke.
About 6 months ago I came across my last ‘lifeboat bag’. I hadn’t thought about it in years, but damn, in that moment I had a ping of sympathy for the ‘past me’ that made that bag, and knew that she would have been real proud of me.
You didn’t fuck up today. Things were fucked up today. But you got this. Explain your past behaviour, plan for the future and give yourself a break. Being a person can be really hard sometimes. Be kind to yourself.