TIFU By telling my platonic friend I would date her

Submitted by QuirkyWizard t3_10ouu0x in tifu

TIFU by telling my platonic friend that I would date her given the opportunity. Let me preface this by saying no I do not hangout with her to get in her pants/ try and convince her of a relationship we have only ever been platonic and it's been that way for over 2 years. We've been each other's confidants when it comes to relationships and emotional problems that we are facing. She is literally one of my biggest support systems and I hope I can provide just as much support to her when she needs it. Anyways on the fuck up.

I gave her a ride home from the mall, on the ride we started talking about past sexual experiences and partners and why we had our "hoe phases" and how we've both had crappy relationships (which is actually the reason I know her she was friends with my ex wife). Anyways half way to her house she mentions that she still isn't done exploring, and here's where the f up begins because of course I had to be dumb. I flat out told her the only reason I haven't asked to take things to a sexual or romantic place is because she asked to keep our relationship platonic and I wanted to respect that decision and boundary. Which she reaffirmed she wanted to keep things platonic.

Now here's where I've been fucking up for 2 years. When her and I go out to dinner or get our nails done or generally hangout I have a bad habit of paying for everything, because I know the crap she's been through with bad boyfriends and I know she sees herself as lesser even though she's one of the most intelligent, funny and beautiful women I've ever met like ture inner and outer beauty and I feel like she deserves to be treated with luxury once in a while and she needs to be reminded of her self worth. She's offered to split 50/50 numerous times, even pay for my half but I've always declined.

She pointed out that this is the "nice guy" method the only difference being I've never asked for sex or a relationship or gotten upset at the fact I haven't received either, and that she would only have a problem with it if I had an ulterior motive. I assured her that I have no ulterior motive which she told me she believes and told her if it would make her more comfortable we could go 50/50 from now on when we go out but that I wouldn't lie, the things she's told me she's looking for in a relationship are things I'm looking to provide in a relationship and that I wouldn't exactly mind if things progressed in that direction which was the biggest fuck up. It's not like I was professing my undying devotion and love to her or anything, I admire her as a person and could see myself in a relationship with her and I feel I would be remiss if I didn't say anything so I said it . She told me she wasn't ready to date even though I know for a fact she's been trying, hence the nice dinners and nail appointment to cheer her up because boy trouble, which I have done my best to console her and give advice.

I'm really worried that I might have jeopardized/ damaged a friendship that I value highly. I'm supposed to see her in 2 days and I definitely will be apologizing profusely. I'm really hoping that's going to be enough to get rid of the awkwardness. If not, I'll just go bury my head in a snow bank and leave it there.

TLDR: Told my platonic friend I could see myself dating her, knowing she wants to keep things platonic. She responded by telling me she's not ready to date even though she's actively trying.

UPDATE

I don't know how I would even make an official update so I'm just adding it to this post.

So we met today and hung out for a bit, I explained to her why i feel the need to pay for things and told her it was something I need to work on and she agreed, and stated we both have things to work on. She also told me she would help me work on it by absolutely refusing to let me pay for 100% of things and we did some shopping where she paid for her own stuff. All in all the friendship is still intact, we had some laughs about the awkwardness and other stuff and she said me seeing her as a potential partner would only upset her if that was the only reason I was hanging around and followed up with "I believe you're genuine and value our friendship as much as I do and I don't believe that's the reason you've stuck around". It was a good day I feel much better about the situation.

Thank you to everyone for taking the time to read and comment, I appreciate all of your advice and feedback you guys are awesome!!! Maybe I'll post an official update if I can figure out how 😅

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Mother_of_Dogecoinz t1_j6h33ez wrote

I dunno. I think I’m like you and would be bummed to have never said anything about your thoughts. You said what you said, then she declined but says it’s all good as long as there is no ulterior motive.

So now that you’ve gotten it off your chest and it wasn’t reciprocated I’d just take it at face value and act like all is normal, as best as you can.

I’d bet that “less is more” in terms of your next steps. Apologize, but don’t go crazy. Tell her you think she’s legit and you want the best for her, and that the way you said it wasn’t intended to be an actual move, just that a dude would be lucky to have her.

Then on to the next subject. If you make it awkward it’s gonna get awkward. Just do your thing, if you belabor the subject too much it’ll be too cringe. If you brush it off she’ll hopefully just come to respect the honesty.

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QuirkyWizard OP t1_j6i8f37 wrote

Hi thank you for reading!!

>Tell her you think she’s legit and you want the best for her, and that the way you said it wasn’t intended to be an actual move, just that a dude would be lucky to have her.

This is exactly what I was trying to say!! I know it's so cliche to say "anyone would be lucky to have you" but in her case it's the truth. Thank you for your input. I greatly appreciate it

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Zenth96 t1_j6hqymj wrote

Its actually interesting, i would like to hear the updates.

Here are my toughts: If i understood correctly, she basically lied to you, so maybe she got scared/worried of losing the platonic relationship she wanted. If she overthinks it by assuming you have an ulterior motive, your relationship is probably dead, she might decline the meeting in 2 days. There are people who can understand your toughts and feelings, if she is one of them shes gonna be cool with it. I hope everythings gonna be okay, but even if its not, dont be sorry. You meant what you said and she should be gratefull for having such a nice friend who cares about her, after all you are just giving her options and trying to make her happy.

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QuirkyWizard OP t1_j6i5o2u wrote

Hi thank you for reading!! I'm honestly hoping for the best, she's always been emotionally insightful and thoughtful whenever I've had a problem so I'm hoping she doesn't overthink this. She does have a problem of overthinking things which is why I think I fucked up

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joos1986 t1_j6mo32g wrote

Can I just say some things I'm telling myself.

You thinking that she's someone you'd be down to date is not an ulterior motive.

You being respectful and not bashing her over the head with it is not being deceptive.

You waiting to confess your attraction for her and your desire to be something more till it felt comfortable to do so was not you biding your time.

You paying for treats out of a genuine desire to cheer her up is not a transactional ploy.

You liking her is not an encumbrance on her.

​

It's lovely, and one of the most genuine expressions of how she's more than the sum of her parts to you, real life warts and all.

​

She's lucky to have someone feel that way about her.

It's really easy to tear ourselves down in our own eyes, having someone in your corner that knows how the sausage is made, and still thinks you're the tits is something everyone should be lucky enough to have.

​

Don't get so caught up in the situation that you fail to see that you bring a lot to the table.

You're worthy, and you're going to love someone that loves you back. You finding your way to your person is a journey, and that's all you explored.

Honestly dude, even with this particular entanglement, tain't over till the fat lady sings.
You keep being you and open to the possibility of good things presenting themselves to you.

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QuirkyWizard OP t1_j6n7hcb wrote

Thank you for reading and your kindness! Your words are much appreciated. It's easy to forget that I bring things to the table too

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phunkydroid t1_j6j6ahb wrote

You're in denial.

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QuirkyWizard OP t1_j6jee5e wrote

Thank you for reading and your input!! Yeah I think most people would agree with you lol

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cosmernaut420 t1_j6h7b2g wrote

The least fucked-up fuck up I've ever read. Why would she be upset by a hypothetical conversation you've literally never tried to capitalize on the entire time you've known her?

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QuirkyWizard OP t1_j6i4w4z wrote

Hi thank you for reading!! I don't think she was upset I think I just made her feel awkward. We have been spending a lot of time together recently going for lunch and having dinners so maybe she assumes I've caught feelings 🤷.

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ImperceptibleFerret t1_j6ifwyh wrote

You’ve definitely caught feelings, or have had them for a long time judging by your post. Paying for almost everything for two years in a purely platonic friendship (barring extreme income disparity) is more than a little unusual.

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QuirkyWizard OP t1_j6ikq7o wrote

Hi thank you for reading and your input!! True it is a bit unusual, when we first started hanging out we were both fresh out of shitty relationships so I think paying for things was my way of still feeling valuable to someone, it's just something that never phased out I guess, but it's mostly small things like coffee/breakfast/lunch things under 40$ but lately it's been rather expensive in an effort to cheer her up 😅. It is possible I may have feelings on a small scale I do love her as a friend no question, we do rely on each other for emotional support quite often when I have guy/girl troubles and she's having guy troubles, even non relationship troubles. So I think there's a part of my brain/heart that recognizes that she would be a good partner. Maybe I should take a step back for a while, figure things out on my own

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ImperceptibleFerret t1_j6jx9dj wrote

Don't beat yourself up, I think you were clear about your meaning and you certainly haven't been difficult about things at all. Best of luck.

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QuirkyWizard OP t1_j6klxhl wrote

Thank you so much!! Ill do my best to fight the urge to bury my head in a snow bank lol

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Xurza t1_j6jf8o7 wrote

If you can't tell your best friend your true feelings... they ain't your best friend. The vibe I get from reading this is that you two are very close and you want to date someone that close and not just be with randos.
the part that urks me as a man is if she's getting upset that you did something wrong for thinking she is high enough quality to date. As if you have betrayed her or something. Clearly you weren't just hanging out with her all this time for sex. If that were the case after 2 years you woulda moved on.
If I were you, id just set her down and tell her you aren't going to have any hidden agenda. tell her how you feel then ask her something along the lines of "what is it you are looking for? Do you want someone who treats you like I do? cause if so.. im right here."
But if you really aren't interested in her romantically and Ive read everything you said incorrectly, just apologize and suggest you hang out soon and move on with your friendship.

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QuirkyWizard OP t1_j6jkl3t wrote

Hi thank you for reading and your input!! I don't think she was mad more so caught off guard, I wasn't asking her out or anything because I know she wants things to stay platonic but that was basically my point and what I told her. Her wanting to keep things platonic and that I valued our friendship is the reason I don't ask her out. She still talks to me and we've since seen each other briefly. And I have apologized profusely and she said shes ok with it as long as I don't have ulterior motives.

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Jamesx94 t1_j6kc4p6 wrote

I've had a similar kind of scenario in my life, I was friends with this girl and we spent a lot of time together and we eventually stopped talking because I had the 'why can't we just date' curiosity in my head that didn't go away and a few wrong conversations just led to a downer on both sides.

I think the problem with having a friend of the opposite sex who is attractive, is that you have to be extremely disciplined and not let any potential physical attraction affect the way you act or think. The way you describe her is not how a guy would describe a guy friend, you are simping and you need to come to terms with that. Its quite common for male-female relationships to have a one-sided simping and I can tell you they never end in lifetime friendships, it usually ends when one side gets a serious partner. It happens because one or both people lack intimacy in their life, one or either parties may want support, attention, something to care for, or are just lonely.

You've dug yourself a whole with paying for 100% of your dinners because really you should only pay for your own food and not ask what they think, but just do it and say it as a matter of fact, but now if you start doing that it will look like you only paid because you wanted something, yet I would still never pay for her food again.

Don't apologise, you said what you said and its whatever. Honestly I think this friendship is fleeting and you are wasting your time and effort on someone where subconsciously you think there will be a return but there wont. I'm not saying that you think this will lead to dating since you know that it wont, I'm saying that its temporary, and once its over you wont feel fulfilled, you'll regret the time and effort your put into it.

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QuirkyWizard OP t1_j6klr37 wrote

Thank you for reading and your input! It is quite possible I'm wasting my time pursuing a friendship with her. I'm really hoping it's not a waste of time and that it can be a lifetime friendship. I have a lot of guy friends I would definitely describe as attractive, but you're right I would never consider anything beyond friendship with them. Thanks again for your input I'll keep your advice in mind!!

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thatnewlife t1_j6lp8pn wrote

Hey! First of all, I’m sorry this conversation is hurting you. Feelings are very real and yours have been hurt. I’m sorry for that. I took a look at your post history, and just wonder if this is the same woman you posted about a year ago, the one who made you feel like scum? I don’t think so because you said two years and the post from a year ago sounded like you had just met that woman. (If it is the same woman though, i have thoughts on that to). What id like to address is if it is a different woman.

The post history shows a very sensitive male. You are kind to a fault. The ‘scum’ woman, you were seeking a way to still be her friend. Your ex post; was so sweet. Your heart was on your sleeve and i could feel your agony of the loss of that person, but also the loss of “you that could have been.” Now this post, you treated a friend with extreme kindness and feel like you’ve rocked the boat and caused grief to her and yourself. But i ask you to consider, is it also grief again for the “you that could have been?” I believe this is a point you need to reflect on. Why did you invest so much energy, time, money, and emotion in this friend? She afterall was just a friend, but allowed you to pay for things. Talked to you about her bad dating life. Lastly was friends with your ex-wife. These aren’t red flags, but they definitely had me raise an eyebrow.

It might sound silly, but as a female, i am very aware of my male friends. (Which have far outnumbered female friends since i was young). It’s imbedded in our genes, our natural state to find the perfect mate. It’s almost impossible to not view people of the gender we’re attracted to as a potential. Even if it’s just qualities of them, mannerisms etc. Something will trigger that natural state we animals have in us. I have had to establish many times with many individuals (male and female) “we are just friends.” Then made sure to enforce that around every turn. If ever they did a generous act, I’d match the act. Buy me a beer, i buy you one. Pay for dinner, i got the next dinner. Most of the people i know enforce these platonic mannerisms across the board. I say all that to say “she never enforced the platonic equality.” Leads me to believe she used you or led you on…which people are aware they are doing. Which makes her not so kind and you very vulnerable.

I’m not belittling you, just trying to have you self reflect. I again, have always had best guy friends, shit i had two girls and two guys on my side of the wedding party. But it takes work, and conscious effort to establish and maintain “platonic.” She did not try. So even if this doesn’t end well, it never was done proper to begin with. Maybe if you broach the topic with her, you can be candid in that regard. Say straight up-i messed up establishing this as platonic by paying for things. Maybe we can go back to square one and be friends but with all the right behaviors (paying separate, telling her to buck you when complaining about her latest failed date etc) but hen your brain will stop misfiring the wrong data and make you say things like “I’d date you.” Because a platonic friend, who doesn’t have his nature trying to tell his body this is potential, would just say, “hey don’t be so hard on yourself, the right guy will come along, til then, let’s get a beer.”

Work on yourself, still be a good friend to others, and stay sweet. Because you really do sound kind.

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QuirkyWizard OP t1_j6lv52m wrote

Thank you for reading and your kind words. No she is a different woman from my post history that one is long gone thankfully 😅.

You're correct a true platonic friend wouldn't consider her a potential partner that is something I am trying to work on because it is nice having a friend of the opposite sex to just hangout with, but admittedly it's difficult to not see her qualities and values in such a light because we've both admitted that our qualities and values is what we're both looking for in a partner. She just wants someone to stick around for more than just her body friendship wise if that makes sense.

As for trying to keep boundaries with splitting bills or paying for things she offers every single time without fail to either split or pay and every single time without fail I say "no I got the bill" part of it I think is me being stubborn another part is my upbringing, my parents are really conservative "the man gets the check, opens the door, does all the driving" that sort of thing. I've been brought up being told "the man works a 16 hour shift, but his wife even if she's been home all day watching TV gets a foot rub at the end of the day"

As for why I invested so much in her, tbh she's one of the best people I've ever met. True we met through my ex wife but they are polar opposites, and when things ended with my ex and she found out what my ex did she was the one of the first to say "wow that's fucked up, I'm happy you got out of that relationship" and proceeded to never speak to her again. She's been a great emotional support on challenging days and in a way I think I'm just trying to repay that as best I can.

I will definitely be taking a step back and reflecting on your words and having a conversation with her. I think from now on to preserve the friendship, I think we have to take a step back from supporting each other as much as we do emotionally. And I will do my best to not pay for everything 😅

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natx37 t1_j6o8k16 wrote

Back in my day they called this the "friend zone". I believe the kids today would say that you are a simp. Either way, she's using you. Friends don't allow friends to pay for everything. Also, single heterosexual men and single heterosexual women can't really be friends.

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