Yum_Kaax t1_j6o8d2e wrote on January 31, 2023 at 6:56 PM

Reply to comment by ccorbs89 in In Need of a Friend.. by ccorbs89

Ah, so nothing to do with birding but a joke. Sounds like that was a mistake, but a human mistake. Your partner judged you for it, you won't get any judgement from me. Thanks for explaining it.

ccorbs89 OP t1_j6o8p86 wrote on January 31, 2023 at 6:58 PM

But I also cheated on her (or tried to) about a year after we first started dating. She forgave me for that but this idk I feel like this I hurt her way more

Yum_Kaax t1_j6o9spd wrote on January 31, 2023 at 7:05 PM

I think that pointing out wrongdoing is not going to help you here, and what may be needed is just an acceptance that damage done cannot always be undone. But you still need to care for yourself no matter how bad you feel about your role in this. Just as she needs to do the same. There was once a time when she saw something good in you and you need to find yourself back to that place, that state of mind, even if it's without her.

ccorbs89 OP t1_j6ob1wm wrote on January 31, 2023 at 7:13 PM

Ya. I’m trying not to do that as we have a house, family and life together

Yum_Kaax t1_j6ogy7n wrote on January 31, 2023 at 7:49 PM

Well, the idea is that you understand where you need to be as the priority in your life, which, if you two can get through this, is also where you need to be for your family. However the feelings of your partner is not in your control, so you could do everything right to be in the place you need to be while she simply chooses to not be with you.

The partner and family is a priority, but one cannot better themselves for the sake of their family. It doesn't work that way. You have to do it for yourself and let gravity do the rest. Otherwise you wind up with the 'i did it all for them" which tends to cause a massive nosedive if the hurt cannot be reconciled. Sort of a way of saying "hey, I made all these changes, I did the work, if you choose to leave me, it's now all your fault." Sort of absolves a person from blame when the original problem may still remain in your partners mind. As I said, learn to accept that she may not be able to reconcile the past no matter what you do.