I’m glad you asked because I’d like to raise awareness. First I want to point out that I do not feel emotions like most people. What I feel is often amped to a thousand. That’s because I have a severe form of BPD caused from childhood trauma. (I am in therapy and taking both antidepressants and antipsychotics to keep me sane.)

Let’s start with sadness. Sadness downright makes me cry, it’s deep hurt that leaves me wailing with hot thick tears rolling down my face almost every time. Why am I crying? Well this morning it was because I was abruptly woken up at 5am and couldn’t go back to sleep. It felt like the world was ending. I am aware now that it wasn’t that bad, but in the moment that doesn’t compute with me. I feel genuine pain in my soul and I can’t help but express it.

Anger is uncontrollable. 0-100. Once, back when I wasn’t going to therapy I destroyed my entire room searching for my wallet. What you’d find annoying, I’ll find infuriating. I turned tables, flung my chair, broke things. Seething red hot, hyperventilating, I was a danger to myself and others, which shames me to admit.

Happiness is pure bliss. It’s euphoric, I’m all smiles and giggles, to the point where I’ve thrown up because of it. Just yesterday I laughed so hard I almost went faint. What was I laughing at? Tiktok had 3 funny videos in a row, each one amplifying the mood.

My personal favorite is numbness. I have all the answers, the best advice, my mind is clear and I can enjoy my surroundings. Intrusive thoughts, anxiety or paranoia, I can handle these negative feelings without having to feel all the ups and downs. I can be myself without inner turmoil.

Boredom makes me suicidal, not even kidding. Plus right now I’m rather focused typing this out so my face is flushed and I feel irritation and loss of patience every time I take a moment to think of what other example to write next. Which feels like such in-your-face proof to myself that this mental illness is fvcking exhausting. You don’t realize how many emotions you go through in a day until you’re forced to feel every aspect.