you’ll be a damn great engineer someday despite this dark time. school is a shitty metric for how good a person is at something, standardized tests blow and are generally outdated metrics for skill or talent in an area. but fuck let this discomfort fuel you and not ruin you. get comfortable with discomfort. believe me when i say everyone is learning as they go and are making mistakes along the way and struggling right along with you.

you sound frustrated and terrified by the prospect of failing and losing this job offer. you also sound incredibly PASSIONATE or else you wouldn’t have this reaction to a midterm grade. and my guess is you’re probably damn good at engineering based on the job offer too. most people don’t even find a passion in their lifetime, but you. you have the equivalent of a compass in your hand. but now you need access to the directing arrow: you need education resources to get through this semester to get you to this job. bring this up to your preferred engineering administrator (reach out to them if you’re unsure of who is their point person) who can listen to your concerns and connect you with the proper resources. from there you should connect with the teacher from the class in question directly to set up a meeting between you, the admin and the professor to discuss your concerns so the professor can let you know your weak areas to address by the final.

i used to go to columbia and i know a good portion of people who were failing multiple classes during the semester and picked it up at the latter portion of the semester to pass. PLEASE READ THIS PART IF NOTHING ELSE: but even if you don’t end up passing, i promise you -- future employers look at progress and process and love a good “what i learned” story, so if you need the class credits and have to try again, you will be that much more prepared for it and you’ll look back with pride when you get through it. use this as your “come up” story motivation. 50 years from now you’ll be proud you pushed through this dark time of your life regardless.

please know you’re not alone, even if it feels like there’s no escaping your thoughts. your school's talk counselor will be in your corner and sessions are 99% confidential (1% they would intervene only if you were actively attempting to endanger others or yourself, but sharing suicidal thoughts is totally normal and ok!!!). plus, it's free!

you’ve punished yourself enough. now work on growing from this!