I feel your burden.

I kept a list of things-to-do for a while. It was helpful at first. I got a sense of satisfaction when I crossed off items. It really felt like I was getting shit done.

Gradually though the list got longer with more complicated tasks and more distant planning horizon...Updating and maintaining the list became a task of itself. I also started to obsess about the format of the list. After a while I started to realize that I was using the list to procrastinate and I was spending more time thinking about doing things than actually doing them...I got frustrated and gave up.

For a few months, I did nothing but the things that absolutely had to be done...and only when they couldn't be put off any longer. I struggled with ordinary chores. My performance at work suffered to.

It got to a critical point where I realized that I couldn't survive like that and considered suicide to be the only way out. It was a very dark, hopeless place.

I eventually made an appointment to see a doctor. The doctor prescribed medication to help with depression and anxiety. He also referred me to a therapist. It took a while to find the right combination of medicines (we're still sorting that out). The therapist discussed strategies with me to help overcome motivation problems (still working on that to).

I'm still in a dark place, but I feel better and have a more hopeful outlook. I'm able to do things now that I struggled with like showering, eating better, and taking my meds regularly. Regular chores are a little less overwhelming.

Things are getting better.

Lists may have stopped working for you and that may be a signal of a more serious problem. I encourage you to talk to your doctor if you haven't already. If you have, make sure he knows that you're symptoms are worsening; he may need to adjust your treatment.

Depression is a serious health issue. Please don't ignore it.