Lpt request-How to speak politely

Submitted by Accomplished_Low_265 t3_znse0c in LifeProTips

As a beginner learning English, it's so hard to speak politely. I've learned use "would" or "could" instead of "will" or "can" when I want to ask something. And say "please" first. This is all I know. My first language has different expression when you talk to someone who you have to be polite to or you talk to friends. So I always confused and I'm a little worried that my words is heard a little rude. As native speakers, let me know how to speak politely.

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Rysline t1_j0iuhim wrote

English doesn’t have a formal version of the language like French or German do. There’s no real equivalent to “vous” as a way to address someone or ask for something in a formal and polite manner. Saying “Would” and “could” following a “please” is honestly as polite as you’ll get with English. Everyone you speak to will be appreciative of that. No one you talk to will be insulted because you said can you do this instead of could you do this.

It seems like you’re creating a problem in your head OP, the things you already know are more than polite enough. Honestly, if you try to be any more polite people may begin to suspect you have alterior motives, like you’re trying to sell them something, and not trust you

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Accomplished_Low_265 OP t1_j0ivemt wrote

<if you try to be any more polite people may begin to suspect you have alterior motives>→ really?? I've never thought like that. It's very different from my mother tongue. Englisg is very interesting.

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Rysline t1_j0iwm38 wrote

English is maybe less traditional than other languages in the sense that the main goal, at least in America where I am from, is to communicate ideas as quickly as possible in as few words as possible. You can add a please before a request to be polite, but that’s about as much as you can do. The phrase “give me water” is said the exact same way whether you’re yelling at someone or calmly talking to someone. If you want to be nice you can say “please give me water” or add something to the statement like “please give me water if you wouldn’t mind” but no matter what words you add to it, the base of the phrase “give me water” always stays the same.

Also unfortunately, the people that tend to be the nicest are those looking to gain something from you, like those who want to get your money. Most people you talk to just want you to communicate ideas with them quickly, you of course also just want to communicate ideas quickly and easily. The only people who have an interest in trying very hard to be nice are those who want to gain something from your trust

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yabsterr t1_j0ixfgc wrote

Interesting take you've got here.

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Rysline t1_j0iy532 wrote

I could maybe have phrased it better than “as quickly as possible in as few words as possible” because that makes people think about that office clip or something. I don’t mean people talk in broken sentences or grunts or anything but that English is a lot more blunt than most other languages for sure. No gendered words like Spanish or French, no tones like mandarin, no formal version of words like most Romance languages. English, comparatively, is a lot more focused on kinda just getting the message across.

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yabsterr t1_j0izp33 wrote

I got what you meant, and in a way 'our people' (the Dutch) are very much alike. We are fairly direct and just thank you ('bedankt' in Dutch) is enough to thank someone. You're welcome (alsjeblieft) is enough when you give something.

I think the alternative motives also play a role here. I just think it shouldn't be that way.

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shouldco t1_j0jkd2k wrote

I think it comes from being "extra polite" in English tends to mean some amount of flattery is getting thrown in. Which is also a great technique to start manipulating people. If someone comes up to me and says "excuse me sir, you look like a kind good hearted young man..." they aren't about to ask what subway stop they need to get off at they are about to tell me how their mother is sick and they need $10 for a bus home.

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Accomplished_Low_265 OP t1_j0izdnp wrote

Thank you for letting me know. It's really good information(?) to me. Thanks, again👍

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yabsterr t1_j0iv6p6 wrote

Say please, if you'd like something. Thank you, if someone went out of their way to help you. You're welcome, if you helped someone out. Excuse me / I'm sorry if you don't want to be rude and want to ask for something. May I help you? to offer your service. I would like / may I please have, if you want something.

Not a native speaker either, but I've found this to be helpful on vacation or when directly approaching someone who I don't personally know

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Accomplished_Low_265 OP t1_j0iw0so wrote

Thank you. May I ask you where you are from?

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yabsterr t1_j0iwcg0 wrote

You're very welcome; and yes, you may. I'm from the Netherlands.

How about you, kind stranger?

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Accomplished_Low_265 OP t1_j0iylv6 wrote

I'm Korean, I want to be there someday. 네덜란드(Netherlands) is one of country where I want to live.😊

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PanSmithe t1_j0j0osv wrote

Perfectly polite response and request! Just the right wording with someone you don't know.

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iFoegot t1_j0j82kq wrote

In daily conversation, use polite words such as please, would, could and thanks, which are meant mostly for service people, not close friends.

In professional situations, replace thanks with the reason why you thank him, for example: “The incredible professionalism you showed in your service is greatly appreciated. This couldn’t have happened without your help”. Similarly, replace sorry with the reason why you apologize. To learn this, just follow some politicians on Twitter, they are professional with this skill.

During intense arguments, replace the bad or rude words with the literal reason why you want to say it, for example, replace “I don’t give a fuck” with “you don’t deserve my attention”, replace “it’s none of your business” with “I can’t see how that matters to you”. Of course before things got intense, you should try a polite way to avoid escalation of the situation, such as “the way you talk is starting to make me uncomfortable”.

General suggestion: Just watch movies and videos, but not those kind of action movies which are full of dirty words. I’m also a non-native speaker but I’m pretty satisfied with my current English skill as a non-native, including the ability to speak politely. I have a European C2 level certificate for English, the highest level for non-native.

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PanSmithe t1_j0jd5se wrote

Only suggestion would be to add "i don't see why" to your examples, I don't see why you deserve my attention, I don't see that it's any of your business, etc. Extra polite but also super backhand insulting, thank you for your input but I don't see why...

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Accomplished_Low_265 OP t1_j0jhspt wrote

"I don't see why" isn't famiar to me. I'm happy for getting know this expression. Thank you👍

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Accomplished_Low_265 OP t1_j0jhfbd wrote

I really appreciate about your examples. I learn much more real English here than I learn it with books.

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PanSmithe t1_j0j200i wrote

Based on you saying there are two forms of address, I think you may be Asian? Apologies, but I know several languages have professional and friend/ family ways of communicating. In English, we basically use the same for all but there are more professional ways to address someone you don't know or a coworker, etc. Basically, please and thank you, along with "may I" when asking permission or to be granted something a little out of the ordinary will go a tremendous way to being polite. I think the fact that you're asking these questions says a lot about you as a person that you want to be considerate. Best wishes and happy travels!

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Accomplished_Low_265 OP t1_j0j8xqp wrote

Thank you. Recently I met a foreigner and we've been texting often. Whenever I send a message, I got worried that my words happens to be rude. I'm a little relieved now.

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bri_like_the_chz t1_j0j8t3v wrote

Please and thank you will get you very far in English. We don’t have a formal version of “you.” (We used to actually, “thee/thou” used to be the familiar version while “you/your” was the formal; I guess English has become more polite over time!)

A boss, older brother, older sister, cousin, parent, aunt, uncle, grandparents, random strangers out in public, everyone is addressed as “you.”

In some regions, it may be polite to say “sir” or “ma’am” if you are trying to convey respect, but this can very greatly depending on culture. When I lived in the Midwestern United States, almost no one said sir/ma’am. Now I live in Texas, and younger people especially address me as ma’am.

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IllaClodia t1_j0uv4ea wrote

A lot of times service workers (waitstaff, people working at shops) will use sir/ma'am. This is also regional though. Where I live, it is not as common, both because of a culture of informality and because of respect for people who do not wish to be addressed as sir/ma'am. Some places show respect through implied hierarchy, others do not.

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Accomplished_Low_265 OP t1_j0j9uz5 wrote

It's interesting. I heard of "sir" when I watch movies, it is used by soldier. So I thought it's kind of class societis words.( Can you understand what I mean? I don't know what to say) I learned something new. Thank you👍

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shouldco t1_j0k1vlh wrote

Yeah. Sir/ma'am is weird. It's basically the only formal pronoun we have and the only place you are universally expected to used them are in the presence of authoritarians like the military and the police.

Otherwise it can be used to show extra respect or to sarcastically mock somebody for acting authoritarian.

I would say the general guidelines would be always use it with police/authority figures. And it can be nice to add to a "thank you, sir/ma'am" (typically not toward children). And basically avoid it everywhere else until you feel more comfortable worth the language.

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d4rkh0rs t1_j0kod56 wrote

If your an american soldier (probably other places, traditions have roots) commissioned officers are Sir, if you watch any movies with basic military training someone will be yelled at for calling a sargent sir ("And don't call me sir, I work for a living")

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Accomplished_Low_265 OP t1_j0l2c0r wrote

I'm sorry, I didn't understand what you meant. I tried to interpret so I could understand, but I couldn't. If it doesn't bother you, could you tell me again so I could understand it. I'm sorry. I'm still learning English.

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d4rkh0rs t1_j0nedkg wrote

If it bothered me I wouldn't have responded the first time. :)

I'm hampered because people I usually help speak mexican spanish, I didn't know german and french had polite or professional forms until I read this thread.

What I said, hopefully clearer:

Someone, you? mentioned "sir" and war movies.

If you are an American soldier, American upper level officers are called sir. They are officially gentlemen and to be addressed as such.

Commissioned officers, commissioned has a specific meaning you don't care about right now, upper level is good enough.

I would not be surprised if the tradition was old and shared with other places, especially places they speak english.

if you watch any movies with basic military training someone will be yelled at for calling a sargent(teacher, low level officer) sir, "don't call me sir, I work for a living," They worked their way up and are too low a rank, they are not gentlemen.

if parts are still unclear tell me which and I'll try again (or yoi can ignore it, you don't care unless you're joining the miltary and they will make sure you understand if you join.)

As someone said we appreciate your efforts and respect your scholarship, but you're mostly worrying about things we don't care about. We're simple and please and thank you and a smile are probably enough.

No one has mentioned that the US is huge and the english speaking world is even bigger. Details will change. Civilized people which most of us are will give you lots of time to adapt and won't expect mastery, especially of reagonal details from a visitor or someone new to the area.

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Accomplished_Low_265 OP t1_j0npoos wrote

How kind you are😊 I understood much more than before. And Thank you so much. Especially as a language learner, I always become careful when I speak English. But many people tell me not to worry too much. I'm a little releived.

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shouldco t1_j0juc8z wrote

I would actually avoid "can"/"could" when asking something of someone. It will be fine 99% of the time and everyone will understand what you mean but some people are pedantic about "can" being used to ask if something is capable of being done where "will" /" would" is asking the person to do it.

For example if I have a heavy box and I am not sure if you can lift it I would ask "can you carry this box?" in which I want to know if the box is too heavy for you to lift. Where if I already know the person is capable of lifting the box and I want to request help from them it would be more correct to ask "will you carry this box?"

Again it's not a big deal, and even native speakers use the two interchangeably but it's a subtle difference that occasionally can cause confusion.

As for other things :

"Please" for requesting something. You mention using it at the beginning but it can go at the end as well, or even after the subject and before the verb. "please, will you carry this box", "will you carry this box, please", and "will you, please, carry this box" are all fine.

"Thank you " to show gratitude/ appreciation. Just a "thank you" is fine. But if you want to show extra gratitude you can embellish. Stuff like: "thank you, very much", "thank you, I could not have done it without you ", " thank you, you have been such a great help " sometimes adding a little to your thank you can make someone feel more appreciated.

The standard response to "thank you" is "you're welcome" (shortened form of "you are welcome") but you will also hear things like "no problem", "my pleasure", "any time", "it was nothing", or and this one may seem strange "you do not have to thank me". They are all meant to convey that your request was not a burden to them and that they were happy to help you. These alternatives are considered informal but there are no real rules for formal/informal in English "you're welcome" is what everybody is taught and the others people just pick up from use and are sometimes used to add sincerity.

There is also "excuse me" which is used when you need to get somebody's attention. So if someone is blocking your way you can say "excuse me" and they will usually realize they're blocking your way and move. But they also may turn to you and expect you to say more. So "excuse me. Do you know how to get to the train station? " you can also use it to interrupt your own conversation so if you are talking to somebody and you get an important phone call you would say "excuse me, I need to take this call" and then step away to get some privacy.

And "sorry" or "I'm sorry" (I am sorry) which which kind of means the same thing as "excuse me" but is used as a simple apology. So if you bump into somebody at the market a simple "sorry" will be said. They are sometimes used interchangeably but as a guideline I would say "excuse me" tends to be used before you do something that you need to do but feel it would be rude if you didn't tell someone first. "sorry" is used after you do something accidentally.

I hope my explanations didn't confuse you there is a lot of nuance in language that can be hard to describe in asynchronous text. And I didn't add much more than anybody else but sometimes different phrasing can help understand a new concept.

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Accomplished_Low_265 OP t1_j0jz6ll wrote

I read carefully your comment. You explaned many specific situation so I can understand what you say. I really appreciate that you've done for me. My English isn't good enough to express what I feel. But I hope you can feel my heart.

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shouldco t1_j0k08mn wrote

No problem. I am glad I could help. Feel free to ask me to clarify anything if you need it.

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