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brusiddit t1_j1a9p8z wrote

Reply to comment by hardingman in LPT: Don't spy on your SO to try to catch them cheating. If you can't trust them, just break up. by 5YOChemist

Finding the evidence can give you PTSD, man. But also... imagine staying with (or even breaking up on civil terms with) someone for years who deserves to be run over while crossing the street and eaten by crows.

It's healthier to not spy, but some people will just keep cheating on you forever and lying to your face.

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talking_phallus t1_j1abg8e wrote

Not finding evidence can eat away at you just as much. You'll second guess yourself, believe their and probably some other people's gas lighting, blame yourself for being the real problem, etc.

You catch them in the act then at least you have closure.

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lmbrjck t1_j1agc4i wrote

You don't need evidence to break up. Sometimes it's better to walk away. Cheaters are going to continue to cheat, and confronting them with evidence isn't going to change anything. If you still feel like you can't trust them after talking about it, maybe it's time to break up. Healthy relationships require trust.

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brusiddit t1_j1f4xel wrote

Personally, the main reason i would want evidence is to convince myself to give up on communication and end a relationship with a liar, or to know whether to treat them like a cheater instead of a friend afterwards. Also, if their reasons for cheating were super malicious, telling others what they did seems justified, and i'd never make those kind of accusations without being certain.

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lmbrjck t1_j1frua0 wrote

Seems like a lot of unnecessary stress to put yourself through, in my opinion. I say just move on. You don't trust the person so why try to remain friends? Seems like you're just providing them more opportunities to manipulate you. You don't need to warn the world of their malicious behavior. It's not really a good look to carry around that baggage, whether or not it is justified. A well adjusted adult will move on.

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brusiddit t1_j1hla16 wrote

Dunno how many times you have been married and divorced... i'm guessing not many.

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lmbrjck t1_j1hqpv1 wrote

Never married, but I'm not some naive kid either. Love it when people act like that's some sort of insult. People often get married in a rush only to get divorced 2 years later. Marriage is not the end goal in my relationships, and I'm currently in a 9 year one. I've been in a few where I've been suspicious but you know what I did? Had a conversation about my concerns and why I felt that way. If I was looking to end a marriage, I would seek my lawyers advice and probably see a therapist. Divorce can be a traumatic event and anyone can benefit from help processing it.

When the division of assets is at stake, I can agree that the rules change a little. I've witnessed first hand how the obsession of finding proof has ruined a friend with proving his wife was cheating. He got it, and he tells just about everyone he meets. Our friends don't really like being around him because he feels like he needs to tell people about how awful his ex-wife was. This was 12 years ago. The way he talks about it, you would swear the wounds are fresh. He really needs to see a therapist, but refuses. I've got a few more similar stories which help shape my view. Those who have come out of it without visible emotional damage are those who have sought help.

You do whatever you have to do, but my experience is that the obsession is very unflattering and depending on how it manifests may affect existing and future relationships.

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