thank you for sharing your experience. first, I want to send you kudos for being vulnerable and asking for insight. that's sometimes the hardest step for me, and I immensely respect your resolve in looking for answers.

unfortunately, I don't know what to call it, but you're definitely going through something remarkable.

(please let me know if anything in this response completely misses the mark)

there's far too much pressure on humans to be "adequate" despite how extremely subjective that definition can be. each human deserves to discover their unique formula for autonomous enjoyment that will (hopefully) invariably endure everything life throws at them.

given how much you've turned to music in the past, it sounds like your physical being is rejecting music. as a musician, it always gives me pause when music sounds mundane or fails to move me.

I could go on and on, but I'd be kind of navel gazing and speaking too much from my own experience (something I'm actively working on). definitely don't want to assume too much and suggest an inappropriate solution.

please just know that you're not alone, and I'm more than happy to talk about pretty much anything at great length and extreme depth.

you've got this 🏆