bigfatbanker t1_j6fn0or wrote on January 30, 2023 at 12:11 AM

The problem is that as adults society or others demand an apology, then they get the apology, and the response is “that’s not enough”.

Halenat OP t1_j6fngtb wrote on January 30, 2023 at 12:14 AM

Grown up apologies require action as proof of concept.

Eve-3 t1_j6foydk wrote on January 30, 2023 at 12:24 AM

Only with people you don't want to forgive. If you want to forgive them then saying "I'm sorry" is more than enough.

When my neighbor wakes me up to construction noises at 7 on a Saturday I forgive him because I like him. When the asshole that lives across the street does the same thing he's not forgiven with just an apology because I don't believe he's sincere because I don't like him and don't want to have to forgive him. (Ok I actually forget about it after 5 minutes without any sort of apology from either, it's an example).

Halenat OP t1_j6fppwx wrote on January 30, 2023 at 12:29 AM

Yeah. I hear you but I was more referring to close relationships such as friends, family, lovers, something where there has been a serious investment of time in learning and knowing someone, and not so much surface relationships.

Eve-3 t1_j6frv5g wrote on January 30, 2023 at 12:44 AM

It still boils down to whether you want to forgive them or not. If my husband does something thoughtless I appreciate an apology because it shows he's thinking of me. But if he doesn't apologize, oh well. I don't expect him to review every moment of his interactions with me to discover a slight and come confess his remorse. He's human, he'll do thoughtless things from time to time. Because I love him I forgive him whether he apologizes or not.

Were he to cheat on me, that's unforgivable. It really doesn't matter how much he apologizes, we're still getting a divorce.

An action between those two, something that hurt me enough I still love him but I'm not ready to forgive (can't think what, I'm pretty easy-going) that would require an apology plus some sort of action to convince me I should indeed forgive.

The only need for anything beyond acknowledgement of the error is because the wronged party doesn't want to forgive you yet. If you regularly require more than words from those around you then you may want to look at why you feel the need to hold on to slights so firmly. Either that or you have surrounded yourself with people you know aren't worthy of you to begin with and maybe you should stop saying you forgive them because you aren't actually forgiving them.