Submitted by thedbm t3_10pp2s7 in Showerthoughts
Bosmonster t1_j6mezsi wrote
Adoption processes take years usually. So it’s worse. You have to sit out the intro but can’t watch it or interact.
And then you have to live with whatever choices somebody else made during the tutorial.
elcuydangerous t1_j6n52ut wrote
Also, incredibly expensive. I looked into adoption for a child, and at least in my case, it would cost anywhere from 5 to 6 times more than actually having one. I actually made an additional 18 grand from a combination of FMLA and employer sponsored family leave when my kid was born.
I get that you want to make sure adopted children go to a good home that has good financial support. But if having a child costs that much less as the state you should be rethinking the process. To me it's essentially a wash with either spending money supporting a child vs someone adopting that child and taking that burden from the state. Plus, for the sake of that child, and their adopted family, you want them adopted and settling with a family ASAP, not keeping them in the system.
dotardiscer t1_j6o014e wrote
Foster->Adopt is cheaper, takes longer and most people want no more than an infant. I get it too, some kids unfortunately grow up in fucked up environments and just because you remove them from the situation it doesn't take away the emotional scars.
I knew a girl who was one of 2 bio-kids in her house, the things that her foster brothers and sisters exposed her too at a young age are not thing I'd want to have happen to my own kids.
Genshed t1_j6pckyr wrote
I understand if some prospective adoptive parents prefer not to adopt children who are in foster care (who are eligible for adoption).
But if they make that choice, I would prefer that they not bemoan the time and expense concomitant with that choice.
My husband and I adopted our two sons from foster care when each of them was five years old. It's been challenging, but we didn't choose to become parents because we thought it was the soft option.
FranzPorter t1_j6opqo7 wrote
>the things that her foster brothers and sisters exposed her too at a young age are not thing I'd want to have happen to my own kids
like what?
Farmof5 t1_j6p8g32 wrote
Kids in foster care have been pulled out of their homes because their homes weren’t safe. Every case is different but in general these kids have been exposed to drugs, alcohol, porn/sexual abuse, violence, &/or other life situations that are hard for adults to deal with.
Our first drug addicted foster kid was kind enough to give us a massive education on drugs. I’ve been in EMS for almost 20 years & this kid taught me new things. It was wild.
KingMwanga t1_j6pfki0 wrote
If someone writes your name on the birth certificate you can bypass most of this
dotardiscer t1_j6pguqu wrote
I'm not crazy familiar with the law, but in a case that happened to a couple I know personally they kept a relationship with the bio-mom. Well one day on a visit she abducted the child. It took awhile for them to get her back and it almost looked like they wouldn't. Basically what saved them was that she adducted the child. If she had properly gone through the court system likely they would have given the child back to bio-mom.
ambermage t1_j6onjs0 wrote
Expensive?
There are tons of free kids just walking around. /s
Garage540 t1_j6mnmjv wrote
I don't know age/adoption stats, however my GF and ger 2 brothers were all adopted, all between 3 and 9 months old.
I think they were pretty much clean slates, and I think that may still be in the "intro."
KingoftheMapleTrees t1_j6n4o0v wrote
The kids obviously didn't do anything wrong, but they can still have issues caused by the birth parents' actions during pregnancy. Heroin for example is not recommended during pregnancy.
Garage540 t1_j6nuqag wrote
This is true, but the way the original post is phrased, it makes it sound like it's more about raising the child rather than developing the child.
ixramuffin t1_j6n2mgm wrote
The first year is very crucial to a child's development. They are by no means clean slates.
Garage540 t1_j6nuipn wrote
What do you mean exactly? I could see how proper feeding and maybe some mental stimulation would matter, but especially on the 3-month side, I would have to argue with you.
dotardiscer t1_j6o07va wrote
It's crazy how important it is your first 5 years of life go well.
Zmirzlina t1_j6omzix wrote
My boy entered the system at 3 months and the trauma is real - time in utero, moms stress, hormones, adrenaline, malnourishment those first months - lack of stimulation or over stimulation and fight or flight situations - he struggles with it. We have a good relationship and he’s bright enough to know why he does what he does but hoarding food, sleeping in a closet instead of his bed, not trusting people, are all based on the trauma of those first few months.
Garage540 t1_j6ozevo wrote
I'm genuinely curious, feel free to not reply if this becomes too personal.
How long was your boy in the system? If he entered at 3 months, my assumption is you wouldn't have been able to completely adopt him until at least a year old, small chance it was sooner, large chance it was later. I would have to think that hoarding food, sleeping in a closet, and not trusting people could have likely been developed at an orphanage or poor foster home. I understand that the actual fetal development of the child will play a role, but I am not inclined to think that the behavior would continue if the environment was corrected at an early enough age.
All that being said, that's why I think it's important to know how long your child was in the system and how old he was when he was adopted. I don't assume that you created an environment that would promote or encourage this behavior or way of thinking.
I also see my girlfriend and her two brothers acting similarly to their parents in the way that they are all forgetful, loud, messy, and not necessarily the sharpest knives in the drawer. I may not have a ton of experience with other adopted people and knowing their parents, but this nearly proves to me that it all depends on the environment you are raised in. They are all from different parts of the world and different ages, but they all act the same.
Zmirzlina t1_j6p3unu wrote
He entered the system at 3 months, bounced from homes and foster care until he came to live with us at 2.5 years, and we finally adopted him at 3 years. So many of these behaviors come from that but others such as his constant anxiety and impulsivity certainly come from experiences in utero. Now 13, he’s our kid - has my mannerisms and sense of humor, sharp witted, sarcastic, and curious. His sister merged into our family with ease but was much older during the process.
ixramuffin t1_j6o8pzs wrote
You mention proper feeding and mental (I'm going to assume you mean social) stimulation as if they are minor details. They are crucial to a child's development. Parental neglect or poor feeding in the first 3-9 months are going to leave their marks on a child.
Language development is a good example. Here's a review going over language development in the first year of life. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26756156/ Imagine a baby who is fed and clothed, but who is deprived of a parent who directly talks at them. They're going to have hard time picking up verbal and nonverbal language. Their language development might get delayed.
A toddler who has difficulties understanding the language that he is expected to understand is likely to get frustrated, which in turn may lead to behavioural difficulties. This may lead to them becoming unsociable and other children won't want to play with them. Pediatric psychiatrists deal with this all the time!
Now, you don't need a PhD to raise a baby. They're not going to be traumatized because you said the wrong word or didn't buy the right brand of diapers. Feed them, talk to them, change their diapers, etc. They're probably going to turn out fine. But to claim that the first months are basically irrelevant (that's how I interpret "pretty much clean slates") is just plain wrong.
oldcretan t1_j6n958i wrote
I think the "intro" portion being referred to is the sex, pregnancy, and giving birth parts of having a kid. A lot of adoptions happen at a young age after the child has been with a foster family for years. A lot of times adoption is more just a recognition of the facts on the ground
Garage540 t1_j6nuwie wrote
That makes sense, but the original post says skip intro button for parenting, not making a child.
christopherous1 t1_j6n41kv wrote
For a friend of mine it apparently took 5 years for her to be adopted
cspinasdf t1_j6nbd9s wrote
Yeah I mean getting a foster kid is quicker if you skip the intro.
dotardiscer t1_j6nzn0e wrote
It's an infant like you seem to be describing the creators can take away the child in the first year, seen it happen.
Viewing a single comment thread. View all comments