"Cut them!"

I ignored the antique sword as I continued to tidy my apartment. If my date went well, I wanted the apartment to look its absolute best.

"Slice the throat of the world, and bathe in the blood as it pours from-"

"Would you shut up?" I snarled, flinging down the blanket I was trying to fold and storming to the mantle. The ancient sword had seemed like a great centerpiece, but that was before it had begun to talk. "I don't know where my Grandfather found you, or why he left you to me in his will, but so help me, if you don't stop talking I'll melt you down for scrap metal and sell you for beer money."

The sword huffed. I swear if it had eyes it would have rolled them at me. "Whatever, you're just as lame as he was. I'm only trying to bring excitement to your miserable life."

I threw up my hands in irritation. "My life is miserable because of you, I hope you know. You scared off my last girlfriend, you get noise complaints all the time, and I'm pretty sure you killed my turtle."

The sword snorted. I had no idea how a sword could snort without a nose, but then again, I had no idea how it could talk at all. "Tiffany was cheating on you, and your turtle was a dick anyways."

"So you DID kill Fluffy!" I yelled, "I knew it! I'm getting rid of you as soon as the smelter's opens tomorrow."

The sword huffed. "Fluffy is a dumb name for a reptile and you know it. Plus, the damn thing stunk. Did you ever consider that might be a reason all of your dates keep failing? As soon as they come in here, they're hit with gross turtle shit smell. Not exactly an aphrodisiac, Fabio."

"Whatever. It's still a living thing, or it was. You don't get to just kill things that annoy..." my words trailed off as a realization crept up on me. "...Did you kill my grandpa?"

"WHAT?!?" The sword shouted. I was definitely going to get another noise complaint now. "Nu-uh, I didn't kill that old party pooper."

"Then what did?" I asked slowly.

"...lack of blood in his neck?" The sword offered lamely.

"Oh god, you DID kill him!" I shouted, backing towards the front door. I fumbled behind my back as I tried to grab the doorknob, but I couldn't seem to quite grasp it.

"Calm down, it's not like he had too much longer to live anyways" the sword said. "He was, like, a million years old."

"He was 68!" I yelled at the inanimate object. "He had just retired, you dick!"

"Ugh, you even sound like him" the sword said, then continued in a mocking tone. "*Oh nooo, please don't kill me, I finally have the time to play with you, I promise this time, blah blah blah".

I found the handle and flung the door open, falling through the doorway and landing in the gross carpeted hall beyond.

"OY!" A boisterous voice shouted from down the hall. "Could ya' shut the 'ell up?"

The sword flew above me, curving in mid air and lunging towards my grumpy neighbor. It landed in his chest with a sickly squishy thud, and burried itself to the hilt.

"YOU shut up!" it cried, twisting around in his chest like a spinning dreidel. "Shut up shut up shut up forever!"

The man would have screamed, presumably, if his lungs hadn't just gone through an immersion blender. Instead, he merely gaped like a fish out of water, with bulging eyes to match. His blood poured into the hall, staining the already disgusting communal carpet even further.

"Oh my GOD!" Someone shouted behind me. The sword removed itself from the man, and flung itself towards the new speaker. "Mind your own fuckin' business!" It screamed in uncontrolled rage.

Desperate to stop the onslaught, I lunged at the flying sword as it passed by. Somehow, I was able to grab its handle, arresting its murderous flight.

"FREEZE! PUT DOWN THE WEAPON!" The voice shouted again. I looked up to see a uniformed police officer, his service revolver pointed at me with trembling arms.

"Sir, this isn't what it looks like" I said, as I tried to gesture with the blood covered sword. "its... erm, a magic talking sword?"

"DROP IT NOW!" The officer shouted.

I tried to let go, but the sword clung stubbornly to my palm. I swore I could hear it chuckle to itself as I struggled.

I felt the bullet hit my shoulder before I heard the shot. It ripped through me like nothing I had ever felt before, leaving only pain behind as it passed through bone and muscle alike. I fell to the floor and tried to grab the wound, but the sword stayed my hand.

"Tell your grandpa I said hi" it whispered, before the next shots rang through the hall.

/r/SlightlyColdStories for more