“Thank you for joining me, I understand it must’ve been a choice to come and meet me.”

The green creature’s plan worked. Instead of abductions as arm restraints, the Galactic Empire’s Head of Research opted for an interrogation modeled after the human “interview” technique. The interrogation room was remodeled after a cafe of the subject’s local area. Humans are offered a complimentary meal and the option to opt out and have their memory wiped instead.

“I would just like to talk to you in order to update our records on humanity.” The researcher continued. “Can I have your assurances that you are answering these questions to the best of your ability?”

“You can bet your house on it.” Doug answered, staring at the cheeseburger in front of him.

“Why would I?”

“What?”

“Why would I wager my home on such an important thing?”

“Well, I mean because you are guaranteed to win, so you won’t lose it.”

“If I fear losing it, why would I wager it in the first place?”

Doug and the researcher stared at each other.

“Perhaps we should start again.” The researcher interrupted.

“Agreed, we had just gotten off at the wrong foot.”

The researcher looked at both pairs of feet under the table. “How do you know which one is the wrong one?”

“I don’t know what you mean.” Doug began to move his fork closer to his mouth.

“Regardless, I would appreciate it if you share progress on humanity’s progress in unlocking faster than light space travel.”

“Unfortunately sir, that ain’t my expertise. But we do got the cream of the crop at NASA figuring that out.”

“Crop?” The researcher’s intrigue slips through its voice. “Does your vegetation bear intelligence?”

Doug stopped to think. “Yeah, I would say our bears are pretty intelligent, they’re not vegetarian though.”

“I see.” The alien begins to scribble notes down. “I’d like to ask about human appearance as it appears ‘unnerving’ to us foreign creatures.”

“ You're calling us weird? Talk about the pot calling the kettle blank.”

“Pot? Kettle?” The researcher takes notes aggressively.

“Thank you for your time Doug, one of our assistants will take you to the memory erasure chamber. “

The researcher left the room and headed down the hall. Eventually, it stopped at the door to a large office. The researcher barged in.

“Commander! I have some terrible news!” The green creature in the room quickly shifted its gaze to the researcher.

“It appears that our report on humans deeply underestimated them. Not only do they speak in complex vocal patterns, but even their plant life appears to be working towards faster than light travel. To make matters worse, some items previously noted as ‘inanimate’ appear to also possess a basic level of intelligence and are able to openly converse!”

“What are you suggesting we do? The human weaponry analyzed seems primitive to our armada”

“I’m worried that if we follow through with the extermination attempt, we would be easily defeated by a more evolved species. I am currently led to believe a planet with that intelligence level could be hiding serious artillery. WE may be the ones eliminated.”

“I understand your concern,” the commander replies, “perhaps the best option will be to mark Earth as ‘off-limits’ and notify all ships to never engage.”