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Vaeon t1_j7nr3x9 wrote

I'm sorry...is this a prank? Yes, I'm aware that this...if true...is serious. It's very serious.

If true.

I don't know why you'd make up something like this! I don't even know how you got my phone number!

Ah...yes, well that makes sense.

Okay, take a deep breath...get your breathing under control and let's start at the beginning, shall we? Your parents did what to your dog?

And they did that because?

I didn't say it was justified...I just asked what event precipitated that response!

Again I'm forced to ask "Is this a prank?" They killed your dog...because you didn't paint the garage...or mow the lawn...or take out the trash...

And you didn't accomplish any of that because you were out fighting crime.

Yes, I know who you are. I recognized your voice almost instantly...I'm a Criminal Mastermind, you know.

Wait...hang on...your parents still don't know that you're a crimefighter? For God's sake, boy, you're only 17!

Yes, I'm aware that you're capable, we've had some good fights. Not that I'm in the habit of beating up teenagers, mind you...I just thought you were a bit on the skinny side when we first met.

Well, you're pretty muscular for a teenager...even the kids on the football squad aren't generally that big until they get to college.

Hrm? One more time?

Okay, well...not sure how that's relevant.

OH...you think your parents kicked you out of the house because you're gay. Well, considering how they murdered your pet I'd say evicting you is a pretty reasonable response from them.

I do believe I added the quantifier "from them" to that statement.

No, you most certainly can not come stay with me!

Well, let's see...for starters I'm over 35 and you're a teenager.

Excuse me?

Well, I'm not Leonardo DiCaprio, now am I?

What do you mean you were sure I'd say yes?

Why did you think I was gay?

Okay, let's get something straight...stop giggling, I'm trying to make a point...just because homosexuals have historically been well-represented in Theater they do NOT own it!

Yes, I'm being serious!

What? No, that's not true at all. No, it is not! Listen, comic book superheroes originated in the United States of America in the early 20th Century in New York City, a haven for immigrants! The superhero was only able to be himself in the privacy of his home, when he went out into the world he wore a disguise so he could fight injustice and make his community safer! Any allusions to homosexuals having to do the same things was entirely coincidental and unintended.

Oh, I read a lot.

Yes, history, theater, art...no, I am not gay! In fact, this conversation is keeping me from two women I've been pursuing for some time---

No, not like that. We'll be having dinner shortly.

Yes, I cooked.

You know Gordon Ramsay is married and has two children, right?

Anyway, about your parents. Well, I'm no expert, but it sounds like they've either been replaced or possessed by supernatural beings. In either event I'm not much good to you, really.

No, it's not that I don't want to help you, I'm saying that I, personally, wouldn't be able to. We have equivalent strength, speed, and agility so you don't need my help taking them down physically, and you know them better than I do so it's not like I'd be able to spot something you couldn't.

sigh No...you're not on your own. I said that I couldn't help you, but I know someone who might. I'm going to send you to a witch named Asheara...what's that?

No, that's literally her job title, you dullard!

I do have guests, you know.

Right, as I was saying...you can find Asheara in the cemetery on Grove Street. She'll be collecting moss from headstones since Guy Fawkes Day is coming and she likes to be prepared. Yes, just tell her I sent you and don't sneak up on her. She really doesn't like that.

Well, good luck with the parents.

sigh Teenagers.

Edit: This is now a Webtoons webcomic. Hope you enjoy.

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OMGYouDidWhat t1_j7nxi0e wrote

I don't know what I was expecting, but this was better than that ! Thanks!

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Vaeon t1_j7nz42g wrote

> I don't know what I was expecting, but this was better than that ! Thanks!

I'm sincerely glad you enjoyed that. My initial instinct was to downvote it and move on...then I started typing a response.

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the_count_of_carcosa t1_j7oxvnm wrote

I can't help but imagine an almost comical level of indignity when he said "not like thaaaaat".

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FelTheWorgal t1_j7ph4lm wrote

One of the oldest villains being 35? Man. 35 isn't even OLD. Maybe supers just retire young.

Great work though

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Possible_Dig_1194 t1_j7pnnzd wrote

I mean I'm close to that age and I cant imagine running around fighting people. My joints hurt

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Horridis t1_j7pol7q wrote

I think he was saying the kid couldn't come stay with him because he's more than twice his age

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Feraligreater328 t1_j7o4p8e wrote

I read this entire thing in The Monarch's voice.

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Vaeon t1_j7o4v6o wrote

> I read this entire thing in The Monarch's voice.

From Venture Bros?

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Feraligreater328 t1_j7o5m5o wrote

Yes.

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Vaeon t1_j7o70qz wrote

Not the effect I was going for, but I hope it gave you a giggle.

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NotATroll_ipromise t1_j7qrcdm wrote

Personally, my inner voice was the Joker from the animated series.

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Vaeon t1_j7qsvm7 wrote

I wish I could write a character that cool. BTAS Joker is Top Shelf, baby.

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Salt_Mastodon_8264 t1_j7q7eye wrote

I read this in Seth McFarlane "emperor palpatine" voice from robot chicken.

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Vaeon t1_j7q94e8 wrote

Well, I know what I'm doing today...

Edit: ElevenLabs isn't letting me upload the audio...not sure what I did wrong. Will try again when I get home, unless one of you wants to do the job.

Edit 2: It didn't sound good at all. There's a lot of potential in this, but fine-tuning isn't something you learn in the first 10 minutes of using it.

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