"Mr. S, the person we told you about is here..." I gulped, then waited as the receptionist put me at the waiting line. There's always a waiting line. Always has been, always will be. It's the last attempt to keep people away. They just keep you in line, for all eternity, expecting this to either be your last hell or that you'll get bored and go back to eternal damnation. I had been through this multiple times...but an eternity gives you all the time in the world to find the loophole.

It took trial and error in other waiting rooms in hell, but I cracked the code. The secret is in the Muzak in the waiting room. Most people never really listen to the background Muzak in these places, but I always had done it- and that's my advantage. If you don't listen to the Muzak, then you're going to have to just sit, and wait in line, forever. But if you listen to it, and you can convince yourself whatever workday-lite rock-pablum song they're playing is your favorite, if you actually WANT to hear the song...then the person will call you in just so you don't get to hear the full song.

Listen to it, get the idea...I bet all those fundies in the '80s talking about metal or rap being the devil's music would have shit themselves knowing Kenny G was what they play all the time here...start to smooth jazz out...and...

BUZZ. Satan poked his head out of the room.

"y...you actually beat the last test. W-well, come on in then." I walked into his office.

"Well, this is the proof. It took me an eternity, but I finally got past all the trials, and I want my just reward."

I waited, then Satan shrugged his shoulders. "Oh, you're one of THOSE people. Well, what reward were you looking for? Say the word and I'll pull it up for you...but then, all you had to do was put in the request at any of the places and it'd be done there too."

"Yes, yes, I know the rules of the 'no, you can have or do whatever you want to whoever you want down here, Hell is not really fire and brimstone, the real Hell is getting all you want in excess until you cease to get any joy from it' thing. Now, I want to rise above it." Satan put his hand on mine.

"...oh....ohhhhhh, I have to level with you, kid...that's not how it works here. See...I control it all."

"All of it...?"

"You know how Hades became one of the names for Hell, right? I thought I couldn't make it any more clearer then that and that'd turn people on to how it works- Hades ruled the underworld and the afterlife. Like, ALL of the underworld and afterlife. Only one. I guess the Greco-Roman myths did die after all...I owe Athena a nectar, I guess."

"Then God is..."

"Oh, no. God exists. Actually a nice enough person when you get to know him- but, he made all of existence. He's a creative person, and like most creative types, he's...not exactly a people person. God really doesn't like getting bothered all the time while he's trying to work on new projects. I wanted a bit more power, so he put me in charge of dealing with all the people here in the afterlife while he got to sit back and just keep working...so, yeah. This isn't the good place, it's not the bad place, it's the ONLY place."

"Only one afterlife..." Satan smirked.

"I thought modern day religions made it clear in so many words. Each one says their religion and only their religion is the One True Faith and if you don't worship them and only them you go to Hell for all of eternity- but they all worship the same God in so many terms. I thought people would realize the catch-22 means "you can only go to Heaven if you worship every single religion and cult in the world, and if you skip even one that religion condemns you to hell...but if you do that, you have multiple Gods and thus also go to hell due to the First Commandment. Nope, only one afterlife."

I looked.

"So heaven...?" Satan looked.

"Not just heaven. They're ALL covered by me. You could go to any of them right now if you want without an issue; there's a big building saying each. Heaven? The description is just you sit on a cloud and look at God all day. Ignoring that we established since God is a creative person at heart, all it would be is sitting around in an apartment with the guy as your roommate, trying to get him out of his room to actually socialize or do something while he makes it clear he'd rather be left alone so he can actually work, those people just go into the Heaven room...they sit on clouds, look at God...and you wouldn't believe some of the epic meltdowns they have when they realize they can actually get bored with that too and it isn't all its cracked up to be..."

"I believe it, you have the whole Heaven channel showing it, I've seen it..."

"Excellent. We're clear. And then I'm sure you saw the same with the nothingness channel where people find out the hard way their mind still keeps working even in the nothingness,and now they're trapped in their own thoughts for all eternity with nothing to show for it- not even any new stimuli to make new thoughts..."

"I bought the Betamax copy of that series because you were out of any format people used; I'm aware."

"Then you should know. Only one afterlife. Nothing else." I looked perplexed.

"...then reincarnate me?"

Satan laughed as I said it.

"Oh, now you're just joking, you'd actually go back to THAT?" I shrugged.

"Fine. Then why tell me?" Satan shrugged.

"What do you want to hear? I gave you the rundown because you're so fucking special, you figured it out? No, me explaining this is part of your hell. You clearly spent most of eternity working on your plan, and now you know it was all for naught and there's no light at the end of the tunnel. At least a few people a day get through this, finds this out, and gets this whole spiel- smile, you're on HellNet!" Satan pointed to a camera.

I was beaten.

"So what do I do?" Satan looked.

"Just remember...eternity's a really long time...all the time in the world. You have time to see everything, do everything, experience everything- and not just experience them, enjoy them, master them, get sick of them, get bored out of your mind by them...and then go find something else to do. So, you don't want to be stuck in hell...go do that. Now, you have your answer, so back to the rest of the afterlife...and try doing something besides scheming for something better. You might just get your heaven that way! You're dead, so live a little!"

I headed out of Satan's office. Well, that one restaurant by here DID look kind of interesting and I don't think I've tried that yet...