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blood-soaked-earth t1_jb491tg wrote

Reply to comment by Visulth in [WP] - The vampire steps out, and his daughters cower and kneel where they stand. You ready yourself for the fight. Before you can raise your weapon, though, the vampire sighs, and with an embarrassed tone, says, “I’m really quite sorry for the trouble…” by X01Eagle

man, you're fucking good. you've got very evocative prose but i think you're skewing a little too minimal. give me just a little something more to chew on when you throw out stuff like "whatever I saw my revolver saw first" and ON THE FLIPSIDE ease off on the physical descriptions.

describing how the character had to angle down to get a shot into the tunnel was just a little clumsy but when you're working metaphor you're fucking golden.

your style is very meta so focus on your slick ass voice and dense prose and let the reader fill in more of the "mechanics".

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Visulth t1_jb4wz94 wrote

Thank you, that's very good feedback.

My ego wants to say it's a first draft / I was rushing / the sun was in my eyes -- but no, I totally get what you mean. I'll definitely think about that a bit more when I write.

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