"Out! NOW!"

The knight before me reached out his hand, ignoring what I had just said to him as he replied, "Princess Andrea, you need not be afraid! I can get us out of the castle before the dragon wakes--"

I slapped the knight with the back of my hand and yelled, "Shut up and listen to me, you damned moron! I don't need to be saved, the dragon is mine, and the only feeling I have right now is an unstoppable tide of fury for your lead-poisoned idiocy!"

"W--What? Oh Gods, the dragon has ensnared your mind!"

I slapped the knight again and stomped over to my bed as I yelled, "Thomas, please get rid of him!"

Thomas poked his head through the door and grabbed the knight by the chainmail. Thomas then carried him over to the window and dropped him outside as I practiced my deep breathing. I started counting backwards from thirty as Thomas got on the bed and nuzzled his head into my lap. Thomas built up a bit of flame in the back of his throat to warm me up, putting an end to my rage. I let out a long sigh and gently scratched behind Thomas's horns as I said, "Thanks boy."

Thomas blew out a little ring of smoke before idly licking my hand. The soreness from the slap I delivered began to fade as I snuggled up with Thomas and quietly said, "Why can't they leave me alone?"

Thomas let out a little whine in sympathy. Suddenly, I heard footsteps approaching the door to my room. I groaned weakly and pulled the curtain on my bed in the hopes I could convince the latest knight to leave. But when the door opened up, I heard... nothing.

There was no dramatic yell of my name, no demand that Thomas prepare for death, no telltale clanking of armor or swords. Hell, even the door opening was abnormal--the fools who kept trying to "save" me usually just kicked it down. I peeked through the curtain to get a better look at who this mystery person was.

Leaning against the wall with a book in hand was a woman dressed in the uniform of a squire. I pulled back the curtain slightly, prompting the woman to look over at me and wave. "Hello. Lovely castle you have here."

"Uhh...who are you?"

The woman chuckled and set down her book as she replied, "Depends on who you ask and where you do the asking. To the knight you just unceremoniously threw out like a baby bird from the nest, my name was Gertrude, squire-in-training. But you can call me Christine."

I pulled the curtain back all the way. "So you're a criminal."

"Oh, unrepentantly so. But don't worry, I'm not here to steal anything. I just figured the castle of a noted agoraphobe would be a good place to hide out when the lynch mobs congregate. Of course, I'd be more than willing to offer compensation in any form you'd like."

"So if I were to ask for, say, assistance in keeping knights out of my home..."

Christine opened up her jacket and showed off the tools on the inside. "I'd ask if you prefer pit traps or snares."

I smiled. "Okay, now what if I were to ask for someone to keep me and Thomas company?"

Christine strolled over to the bed, sat down next to me, and joined in on giving Thomas scritches. "I'd say yes please."

I blushed. "Okay then. I guess we have a deal."