"Hey, fuckin' watch this!" I yelled after finishing the rest of my 40oz, barreling full-tilt into the convenience store's outer wall. I'd spent the preceding morning hours binging the Harry Potter movies and tripping on things I probably shouldn't have been, and the urge to break into a new, better, reality was one that I couldn't possibly ignore.

All my friends laughed, but I'll bet they stopped after I disappeared. Beyond the wall was a land of pure gray, disrupted only by a vast tab of icons along the left of my vision, and as soon as I'd imagined it, I was in my back garden, clutching a fat flaming doobski. As I blinked through my confusion, a tiny elf presented itself before me on the patio.

"Hallo, traveller! I be yer magic helper!"

I swiped at the creature, its bobbly little hat jostling as it ducked beneath my slap.

"Ay, oh! There ain't no need for that and-"

I raised my Nike sneaker-clad foot and I crushed the tiny creature beneath the sole of my 95's, extinguishing it's life-force with a twitch as I ground the little soul away into the earth in a way that conjoined the creature's bones with the paving stones of my back garden.

Since then, I have never left my back garden. That was 11000 years ago, and I spend my days toking dank ganj and reliving the time I acquired my immense power; when I murdered that creepy tutorial gnome whom I so gleefully killed.