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librarian-faust t1_jd74f05 wrote

Reply to comment by Difficult-Theory-413 in [WP] A colony ship with 5000 human passengers in stasis is heavily damaged in a meteor shower. While the onboard computer does not have the raw materials needed for repairs, it calculates that it has a very large amount of organic matter and a genetics lab. A solution path is now being executed... by lordhelmos

It's a good one, but I feel like it needs more.

What's the protagonist going to do? Issue orders and go back to Cryo? Interrogate the AI and learn that... he's the second to last one to awaken, and he needs to patch up systems and then report to Recycling for disassembly?

It's a great "oh god, everything went wrong", but there's no motion to the story. Just a cold, still, scene. Which is GREAT. And fitting. And a perfect end, if that's what you intended.

I just always feel like there should be something of "what do I do now?", and "were samples kept? Will the colonists be revived? Are they all uploaded to the biocomputer matrix?"

I always want a protagonist, a character, to have an action or motion to them. Something to look forward to. So that you have an idea what they're doing, five minutes after the story ends.

I have no idea what your protagonist is doing five minutes post-story, besides going back to the now cold dregs of his abandoned coffee, feeling a slowly dawning horror, then suiting up like the guy from Dead Space in case of "ship's haunted".

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Difficult-Theory-413 t1_jd9nfgm wrote

I know it is rather incomplete but I wrote this at like 11pm (23:00 for non Americans) so I didn't really consider any endings lol. When I get home later I will work on a part 2

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librarian-faust t1_jdc2r1o wrote

<3 Thanks.

And, I hope I didn't come across as a dickhead. You wrote something awesome.

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