“Did you see what she did yesterday?”

“Fuck, what now?”

“She wore a crucifix necklace. And she kept telling everyone she was going to the fucking Garlic festival this weekend.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“I wish I was.”

“Did anyone say anything?”

“A few of the regulars, Veronica and Bill, complimented her on the necklace and asked her what kind of dishes she makes with garlic. And we know why they asked. They love her stories. Always like to see how far she’ll go. Bill told me that’s why he doesn’t report her. And he thinks she’s hot.”

“What did she say to them?”

“She told Bill she was blushing when he complimented her on the crucifix.”

“Which if course she wasn’t blushing. Because, hello, she’s a fucking vampire. What did she say about the garlic?”

“You’re going to love this one.”

“Fuck me.”

“Yeah. And this one is one of her best ones--she also said she makes a special garlic lotion, which is why she’s going to the garlic festival. To get more garlic so she can make more lotion because it’s expensive to buy online.”

“Come the fuck on.”

“It gets better. She then puts her hands to her face and told Veronica the lotion is what gives her such a fare, but youthful complexion. And of course, she is smiling, doing her trying-to-look-innocent-look. Veronica almost spit out her Icee.”

“Let me guess. She smiled the smile she does trying hide her fangs, the smile where it just looks like she’s got a painful sore under her lip?”

“Yep.”

“Doesn’t she know how terrible the stories are that she makes? I mean, highlighting the very things that are supposed to ward away vampires? Come on.”

“She scares the shit out of me.”

“She’s worked at this 7-11 for more than fifty years, so they say. Two of those years, with you as the manager. You should talk to her, I dunno, about like life and shit. Maybe you’ll see she’s not so scary.”

“I can’t do it. Then I form a connection with her. Plus, she’d kill me in the wild.”

“You think?”

“Absolutely.”

“She’s a vampire that works at a 7-11, who puts a ton of time trying to hide she’s not a vampire. Pretty sure that she wouldn’t kill you in the wild.”

“You don’t know that. We don’t know shit about her prior life. Why of all the things she could be doing with her time, she works at 7-11? Probably stalks customers, follows them home, feeds on them, and mind wipes them or some shit like that.”

“That’s intense. But then why does she go through all the trouble of trying to hide she’s vampire, and do a terrible job at it?”

“To make people let their guard down so she can kill them?”

“If she wanted to kill people, she’d just do it. You said it yourself. Plenty of other shit she could be doing other than working at a 7-11 and spending her time making up terrible stories to try to hide her true self.”

“Whatever the reason is, it can’t be good. Sometimes I’d wish she’d quit. Fat chance though, as she’s been working here for damn fifty-years.”

“But you’ve told me before you have a soft spot for her. I’m confused you’d want her to quit.”

“I said sometimes I wish. And the fact she just tries so hard to blend in and fails miserably, I got a soft spot for that. Reminds me of when I tried so hard to be cool in high school and failed miserably. Second reason is she is also a great employee. And she’s been working here for more than fifty-years! Who am I to fuck that up?”

“Better employee than me?”

“Way better than you.”

“Dang, at least lie to me.”

“Well shit, she never makes the excuse that she can’t rearrange the back storage because the lift dolly needs fixing when I ask her.”

“That dolly is a piece of shit. Breaks all the time on me.”

“She doesn’t even need the dolly because she has super strength, that’s my point. Which scares me even more.”

“I still think you should just chat with her. She isn’t so bad.”

“Speaking of shit employees, I just remembered I forgot to tell her tomorrow she needs to work Saturday for Harold because another one his grandmas died again. That dude. Doesn’t he remember it’s like the fifth grandma that has died since he’s worked here, for less than a year? Almost as bad as that vampire’s stories.”

“Won’t she get pissed at you and rip your head off for dropping that on her last minute?”

“She asked me to come to her for any open shifts first, so I do. She says she’ll cover any shift at any time.”

“Hmm.”

“What?”

“What?”

“You ‘hmmed’ a certain way when I told you she told me to go to her for covering shifts.”

“Did she tell you why she does that?”

“Tells me she can cover any shift?”

“Yeah.”

“No. She told me to go to her, I didn’t ask why. I don’t want to know shit about the vampire’s personal life. Maybe she needs the money or something.”

“I ask, because she told me the same thing, to go to her first if I need a shift covered. And she gave me a reason too. Like she made sure to emphasize the reason.”

“What did she say?”

“She told me she doesn’t really do much, other than make wooden stakes to sell online to vampire hunters.”

“Oh wow. Just full on said that she makes stakes for vampire hunters. Like, really?”

“Yep.”

“Wow, you’ve got to be shitting me.”

“I’m not.”

“No, not that. She just text me and said she needs to get off work early tomorrow.”

“Did she say why?”

“She said she forgot to tell me she’s getting baptized.”

“Fuck me.”