London-Roma-1980 t1_iu5001o wrote on October 28, 2022 at 4:21 PM

DING! End of Round 1. I return to my corner, staying standing to make a point. The champ keeps his eyes on me the whole time his cornerman talks to him. He never took a back step. He kept on me, forcing me to duck and dive. He gives the glare of a champion.

DING! End of Round 2. I take the seat on the stool and get some water. The champ listens intently to his cornerman while I hear encouragement from mine. His face remains pristine, without a trace of leather contact. I can feel something from when he bounced his fist off my gut.

DING! End of Round 3. His forearms have gotten between me and my target on every swing. The champ licks his lips. This is the round he dominates coming up. I can feel a spot under my right eye beginning to react.

DING! End of Round 4. I gladly sit down, as another 10 seconds may have been too many. The champ leans forward in his corner, ready to burst off the stool and continue landing his shots. My cornerman says his guard stays up a split-second too long, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to take advantage.

DING! End of Round 5. The doctor gives my right eye a cursory look, but I can still see through it. In the haze around me, I notice some sort of rub being applied to the champ's torso. Could it be? Did I get through his guard? If I did, the champ refuses to let me see the result of my work.

DING! End of Round 6. I stagger to the corner, still reeling from the eight-count I took a minute prior. The cornerman shows concern, but they say I'm good to go. The champ has his hands up even in the corner. Eighteen minutes and he looks fresh. How does he do it?

DING! End of Round 7. Vaseline goes over a cut on the champ's face. My right eye is swelling up, but I refuse medical attention. I can see the tiredness he has. I'm getting my third wind. For the first time in his career, in his reign, and for the first time in this fight, I'm not facing the champ. I'm facing a boxer. And I can beat a boxer.

DING! End of Round 8. The crowd is on its feet after a last-second exchange. I've gotten my eight-count back, and they can smell history. The champ is frustrated, his head down as he listens to strategy. I dare not get too confident; one uppercut could change the fight. But it could also change the world.

There would be no bell for Round 9. I didn't need one. Once I had broken down his confidence, his stare, and his swagger, all that was left was to break down a man. One-two and an uppercut! That was all! A shattered man lay on the canvas.

ALL HAIL THE NEW CHAMPION!!!

[WC: 499]

wileycourage t1_iugm2gw wrote on October 31, 2022 at 4:08 AM

Hi there! Cool framing device with the rounds of boxing! Loved the action even though you wrote the in between parts. Great job!

For crit:

"without a trace of leather contact" I'm not sure what this means.

"I can feel something from when" this feels a little awkward.

"This is the round he dominates coming up." A little unclear. I take it to mean, the champ usually dominates round four, but there might be a clearer way to say it.

"beginning to react" is vague

"eight-count I took" so the champ scored a knock down and it took eight counts for our boxer to stand up? It's a little unclear. Perhaps, "still reeling after being down for an eight-count" or something like that?

"but they say" who? the coach and trainer and cut man all? or some other group?

"swelling up" I thought it was already swollen because the doctor looked at it earlier and you gave the detail of the boxer still being able to see through it.

>For the first time in his career, in his reign, and for the first time in this fight, I'm not facing the champ. I'm facing a boxer. And I can beat a boxer.

Great stuff there, I think it captures a lot of what's going on in your story. You do switch subjects, but being that they are boxing pitting them against each other in the sentence is cool.

Overall, I think you should lean into the framing even more. It's interesting having descriptions of in between the fighting so each round you have the boxer looking back with the wounds and then forward with the strategy. I really liked that split.

So much so that I missed some more of the forward looking element at the end or in what would have been round 9. Without it, the ending is abrupt and the frame broken, which could be what you were going after, but even then I think there might be a better way to tie it up for your character and story.

Then, some of the sentences repeated structure and subject, i.e. "the champ keeps", "he never took", "he kept on", "he gives" from your first paragraph. Now that's totally fine but it does give the flow a little bit of choppiness or kind of like a monotone at times.

I found it hard to see what the boxer was trying to set up or exactly how the champ was blocking or how the fighting progressed. That might be by design as the boxer wouldn't be thinking that, but I am wondering a bit about those details. I like boxing, though, so it could just be me.

Hopefully something I've said helps! Well done and excellent take on the theme.