Republican state Sen. Michael Buckley stared at the almighty creator with all the vehemence of the GOP. "What's with the getup?"

God shrugged. "I really thought it would be the squids. I mean, apes? Last time I checked in on you guys you were flinging shit at each other." He took a look at the protesters outside the bullet-proof window. "And not much has changed, as far as I can tell. I'm sticking with it. I still have hope for the squids."

"They'd love you over in Japan."

"Eh!?"

The senator frowned.

"I went to Tokyo last week," said God. "Took a stroll down Akihabara. That's an accurate expression of shocked surprise. Eh!?" God moved his tentacles around.

GOD IS A LIE. ALL HAIL CTHULHU OUR LORD AND SAVIOR. ASK HIM IF HE'S SEEN SQUID GAME. The protesters were a mixed bunch. When God announced he was coming down to Earth to check up on his creation, the GOP cheered. When he revealed that he'd taken the form of the humble squid, no one really knew what to think. Still, it was Michael Buckley who had managed to score the first interview with the almighty creator of the world and he was hoping to clinch the primaries with the revelation that God favored both conservatism as well as Buckley himself. A particularly fervid protester held a sign that simply said, AS A SQUID INKETH. "It's clever," he mouthed with desperate eyes.

Sen. Michael Buckley cleared his throat. "You were in Japan? But this is, as I understand it, your very first interview with humanity?"

"Oh yeah."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"I can see why you would be reluctant to present yourself in all your glory before a godless nation. As Christians, we—"

"You're Christians?" God blinked.

"... Yes. As Christians—"

"Hmm."

"What's that?"

"Well ... It's just that I'm not all that big on religion."

"You're God ..."

"Yup."

"God isn't 'all that big' on ... religion?"

"That's right."

"... May I ask why?"

"I'm glad you asked! I like to think of life as controlled anarchy. I made a little RNA soup and chance and necessity is what has led us to this exact moment. Freedom is important. Anarchy. That's how evolution works, you can't put all your eggs in one Darwinian basket. You need diversity. And religion is the opposite of that, with its demands that everyone act and think the same. It's stifling, frankly. It's not controlled chaos. It's chaos, controlled. And that's no good. No bueno."

"D-Darwin? Evolution? Wait, did the libtards get to you? What have you been smoking? You created everything."

"I set things in motion, but that was pretty much it. And Earth is, I'm so sorry to tell you, my least favorite of my creations. Because of religion. It's like you've made this wonderful salad and then suddenly there's a bug in it and you're like, oh man, that's disgusting. And you're sad because you were proud of making the salad, you looked forward to eating it, but that little bug just ruined everything. And that's how I think about religion: it's a bug in my salad of creation."

"B-But what about Jesus? What about the afterlife?"

God squinted his eyes at the senator. "Jesus? Afterlife?"

"There's ... no Jesus? No afterlife?"

"Oh! Well there was a prophet."

"There was!?"

"Yes! She was a squid, though."

Michael Buckley slunk down in his seat. "Your prophet was a ... squid."

God made a tentacular gesture. "Again, I really thought it would be all about the squids here."

A protester outside scowled at the two of them from behind the glass. NO SQUID PRO QUO, his sign read.

State Sen. Michael Buckley groaned. Of course it was a live debate. Of course he would have to be the one to interview God and break the news that their treasured desert carpenter turned out to have just been some guy. That there would be no afterlife. That God didn't care for religion. They would all blame him for it. He'd never become the Republican candidate. "What are you even doing here, then?" he said. He could feel the veins of his forehead throbbing. "You're not the almighty father—You're a deadbeat father!"

In the moment, insulting God felt like the right move. But when he saw the sly smile curl across God's molluscular lips, he knew he had fucked up.

"Why am I here? I am here to remove the bugs from my salad," said God.

The divine squid creator of all things stood up and let rip a pulse of electromagnetic radiation like a laser of pure sunset. Red, hot, and searing the beam moved like a cosmic whip from state Sen. Michael Buckley's groin to the top of his wig. I am sizzling, thought Buckley's left hemisphere. Hot hot hot, thought his right hemisphere. Then neither thought no more.

Outside, the man holding the sign saying ALL HAIL CTHULHU OUR LORD AND SAVIOR slowly nodded his head while the rest of them ran for their lives. "Badass," the man mouthed. "Bad-fucking-ass."

"You mean to tell me you idiots worshipped some Gods you made up that literally did nothing for you and dedicated your entire lives to them?" The creator of all things had come to earth wondering why it was so far behind and was livid when he learned about religion.

"We agree that religion is bad, why we even outlawed most of it and killed people that wouldn't listen to reason, I'm not sure we even believe you that you are the creator of all things though." A man in an expensive suit said.

"Who are you again?' The creator asked...still furious.

"I am the leader of great China!" The man replied confidently.

"Well, not anymore." The creator snapped his fingers and the man disappeared.

"What have you done with him!" All the leaders of the world had gathered and were not used to this kind of treatment.

"I sent him to work on galaxy x59a. I heard they liked doing stuff like that to their people so figured why not let him know what it feels like? Now anyone else not think I'm the creator?" The creator looked around the room as if daring someone to say something. Nobody did, everyone was silent.

"Okay, I don't have time for this. Let me be clear, there is no "God". I am the closest thing to a God and I'm not even as powerful as those idiots you made up. I do have powers though, enough to destroy you...and I have great resources...so I would highly recommend you stop being so damned stupid and shape up! Stop giving your lives to things you made up and flourish like the other galaxies out there!" With that, he vanished.

Several generations passed and a new religion took over like wildfire. They called themselves "The Creators People." The first thing they did was eliminate all other religions. It took a long time and was messy, but they did it. They then started taking over country by country until they had established 1 language and 1 currency for all.

The problem was they were so strict in their rules and had to do everything just right, at least how they saw "right", that the world was in shambles.

The economy was practically nonexistent. Currency was useless because they just kept pumping out more and more every time something went wrong. People were oppressed and therefore just did the bare minimum to get by.

Several more generations passed and the creator came back to check on their progress.

The leaders of his religion met with him as they were now the world leaders and he asked how progress had been going "We have given our lives to you oh mighty creator! It has been hard but so is life! Please, creator, tell us what to do!"

"Wait, you all created another religion?" The creator asked angrily.

"Yes, to worship you, master! The one true religion! We eliminated all other religions as you commanded!"

"You...are...all...beyond...help..." The creator vanished once more. Never to be seen again.

Earth was sanctioned off as a hazard planet due to the population's idiocracy. All galaxies were told to avoid them until they killed themselves off like so many earth populations did before them. Maybe it was just humans? Earth was the only planet with humans after all...they were also the only planet that had managed to kill themselves off and had to restart around 20x over now. It was a lost cause.

[removed]

Welcome to the Prompt! All top-level comments must be a story or poem. Reply here for other comments.

Reminders:

>* Stories at least 100 words. Poems, 30 but include "[Poem]" >* Responses don't have to fulfill every detail >* See Reality Fiction and Simple Prompts for stricter titles >* Be civil in any feedback and follow the rules

🆕 New Here? ✏ Writing Help? 📢 News 💬 Discord

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[removed]

[removed]

[removed]