There had been much debate as to whether the sword could be tried for the string of deaths of its owners. They were all technically suicides but it’s clear Double Edge’s bullying caused them all.

“The sword is clearly sapient!” the crown’s prosecutor argued.

“But the crown’s laws all specify ‘man’, not sapient creature. This court has no authority over a blade.”

“Probably written that way because so many men are less than sapient.” the sword chimed in.

In the end, the court decided it had no authority to try the blade for its crimes but noted that the blade did not have any legal protections either.

So the crown’s officers of the law decided to destroy the blade. They subjected it to smashing between massive stones.

“Oh yeah, that’s it! Reminds me of the time I did your moms!”

“Really guys, strongest blade in existence and you think a couple boulders can dull me? When men say they’re ‘hard as a rock’, they usually mean their penises, not their heads.”

Finally, the chief of the crown’s law, Lord Archibald Lester, whose first name and lack of hair the blade had made numerous swipes at, gave up on destroying the blade and chose to have it disposed of instead. He tasked his head butler’s son, Erian, with taking the blade to the cliffs and dropping it from the ledge. A simple task he could entrust to even this young and unskilled man.

Erian had grown up a servant of the Lester family. When Archibald’s father died and Archibald became patriarch, things changed for young Erian. Archibald’s father was an understanding, even tempered, and even arguably kind man. Archibald was none of these things. He did not accept excuses performance below his standards. Even good ones like “I’m nine and no one ever taught me how to cook so I don’t know how”. Archibald had resented Erian ever since that moment now four years past. However, Erian’s father, Rowan, was a valued servant so he couldn’t simply dispose of the boy, opting to send him on trivial errands instead.

Erian, now 13, was thrilled to receive such an important task as disposing of a legendary blade. He saw it as a chance to prove his worth to his Lord. He eagerly accepted, stocked on supplies for the two week long trip there and back, and set off, too excited to even mention to his friends that he would be gone.

“Hey half-pint, smooth out your steps a bit. It’s bumpy on your scrawny shoulders.”

“Huh? Who said that?”

“Oh great, the half-pint is a half-wit too. Me, Double Edge, the only one on your shoulders.”

“You can talk?! A blade can talk?! I must let Lord Archibald know! This will surely change his mind!”

“And you’ve been downgraded to a quarter-wit. Good job. The old fart knows. That’s why he’s getting rid of me.”

“Hmm… I suppose Lord Archibald doesn’t like when people talk back to him. Father always reminds me to keep silent and nod in his presence so he won’t get rid of me.”

“Okay, you’ve been upgraded to third-wit.”

“You’re rather rude for a blade, Mr. Sword.”

“And back down to quarter-wit. But you had a good run. My name is Double Edge and how would you know what’s rude for a blade if you’ve never heard one speak before?”

“I take it back. You’re very rude in general. Though I figure since most blades don’t talk at all, they’re not rude at all so by saying anything rude, you instantly become one of the rudest blades.”

“Huh, that’s actually a fair point. Okay, back to third-wit.”

“Thank you. So you’re really getting thrown off a cliff just for being rude?”

“I thought we already established that. Being rude and… maybe some results thereof.”

“Seems a little unfair to me. Do you at least have a last request I can grant?”

“Hah, last? I’ll be back. A simple toss off a cliff wont even scratch me. But if you’re taking requests… don’t throw me off a cliff.”

“Sorry, I don’t think I can grant that request. But you’re really that strong?”

“Of course I am. I’m the strongest and sharpest blade there is, both in edge and… edge. That’s why they call me Double Edge!”

“If you’re that powerful, can I—”

“Yes, I will let you try me out. Go cut that tree in half and see how it feels. With any luck, I’ll at least have company over the cliff.”

“What?”

“Nothing. Try me out!”

So Erian did. He found his weak young arms were able to easily cleave through the sturdy elm before him. The power was intoxicating. He forgot about his journey and spent most of the day making a clearing in the forest before he finally got tired and made camp for the night.

“What do you think? Pretty fun, right? I can teach you how to use me in battle too.”

“It was amazing! But I know how to fight already. My friends and I duel like knights all the time.”

“What were we at? Third-wit? Not anymore, quarter-wit. Fighting with a blade like me is nothing like hitting your friends with sticks. For one thing, you don’t have to worry about being blocked when your blade can cut through theirs.”

“You can cut through other blades?!”

“Indeed I can. Let’s spend a few days in the forest here and I’ll make a proper duelist out of you.”

To be continued.