CASE I

Client: Giant Sequoia (Sequoiadendron giganteum)

Service requested: Complete clearance of the fast-growing, shade-loving species that were crowding out its progeny.

Method of execution: Creating an enormous wildfire. Sure, the rest of the local ecosystem as well as some of the local human communities were devastated, but my client was kept safe by its thick bark. Job completed.

CASE II

Client: Christmas Island Red Crab (Geocarcoidea natalis)

Service requested: Removal of the invasive yellow crazy ants that posed a threat to my client.

Method of execution: Blasting the anthills with a flamethrower, resulting in massive casualties for the ants. Job completed.

CASE III

Client: Domestic Cat (Felis catis)

Service requested: Removal of dog recently taken in by my client’s roommate, henceforth referred to as “hooman”. This dog was being a nuisance to my client, e.g. barking at my client whenever it saw it. Client specified that “hooman” was to be spared for the sole reason of “food”.

Method of execution: I’m a druid. I settle the struggles of nature, not petty feuds between household animals. Client was politely turned away, although I suspect it may find another way to achieve its goal…