"Husband hit me!" the Ogress wailed. "I want him arrest!"

"Wife hit me too!" the Ogre shot back. "I--"

I held up my hands "Sir, you'll both get a chance to--"

"Why cop only believe female can be victim?!" The Ogre demanded. "Look at me black eye!"

"Sir!" I said, more sharply. "I'm not taking anyone's side! I'm here because there was a report of a domestic disturbance. Your neighbors said it sounded like someone was getting murdered in this cave!"

"Me should be so lucky..." the Ogre grumbled.

I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose. "Look, we can't keep doing this, you guys. Clearly, both of you are contributing to this problem, and both of you need to find a way to fix it."

"Easy fix!" The Ogress snarled, pointing at her husband. "Arrest!"

"She one who need arrest!" The Ogre growled, pointing right back at his wife. "She danger to self and other! Need head doctor!"

"I doctor you head!" the Ogress hissed, cocking back a meaty fist.

"ENOUGH!" I roared, loud enough that it actually brought the quarreling couple up short. "Come on, I know neither of you really wants me to arrest the other one!"

"Why not?" the Ogre demanded.

"Yeah, why not?" the Ogress agreed, sticking out her chin defiantly.

I couldn't believe it. I opened my mouth to answer, and then closed it again.

"You know what? Fine. Learn the hard way." I pulled out my magic mirror, and traced the rune for Dispatch onto it's surface.

"This is Uruz 312 -- I need a paddy wagon sent to the cave residence on Ymir Street." I said.

The gnomes at Dispatch, naturally, asked what sort of creature I was placing under arrest, and how many there were, so they could send an appropriately sized and enchanted transport to contain them.

I glared at the defiant pair as I replied. "The prisoner? One very stubborn two-headed Ogre!"