I was eighteen at the time, my sister Ellie was four and the newest addition to the family Michael was three months old at the time. My dad was at work, he ran his own delivery business. My mum was on maternity leave from her job as a nurse. It was the summer before I was due to go to medical school. So I was really looking to do as much relaxing as humanly possible so I would sit around watching tv and movies. I would often say that I was taking a trip to the shop or for a walk, but this was just something to say when I wanted to go out and smoke a joint. I had already been for three walks that day.

I had taken a break from weed during all my studies as it really affected my short term memory and I intended to stop it for good when I got to medical school for this reason. Make a mistake as a doctor and somebody can end up dead. But I loved weed and wanted to enjoy every one of these joints before it's all over and this was one of those days, it was early afternoon and I was happily stoned. 

My mum knocked on my bedroom door. “I need you to watch Michael and Ellie, Michael is sleeping and his formula is in the kitchen. Your grandma just phoned and mentioned she has run out of shopping, I told her to stay there, she will only get confused if she gets it herself” My grandma was in the early stages of dementia my grandad was there but mum felt obliged to help whenever something like this happened. I heard mum’s voice trailing down the hallway to the door “half an hour max, if michael cries check he needs changing and make his milk” the door slammed.

Ellie was playing with her dolls, as far as little sisters go, you could say she lived in a world of her own. She was late to talk, didn't make eye contact and would only ever speak when spoken too. My parents had taken her to the doctor but he had said there was nothing wrong and sometimes kids are just late to speak.

Michael was in a deep sleep. So you could say it was not the most entertaining house to be in at that moment in time, I felt like I was going to fall asleep from boredom. Reached in my right pocket and there was a roach. Probably only three puffs on it. Reached in my left pocket and there was a lighter, it was meant to be, what would the harm be? If I went out the front door taking three puffs, that's thirty seconds max, I’d already spent over a minute contemplating doing it and Mike had not long fallen asleep. I dashed down the corridor and out the front door before I had time to change my mind. Put the flame to the joint and got my three tokes. I threw the joint down the drain, only place it could go as it was all concrete brick driveway at the front of our house 

I reached in my pocket for my key, but it wasn't there. In all that hurry I had left it in the house. I relaxed and gathered my thoughts, it was on the kitchen table. The dead latch had locked the door behind me. I knew the backdoor and windows were locked. I kept a cool head. “ELLIE” it took the one shout and she appeared at the upstairs window “throw my key out the window” Ellie disappeared and then returned to the window promptly, I can't explain the relief I felt at that moment. Then Ellie stepped away from the window. I was confused. Next thing a wrapped white cotton blanket came flying out the window. They say your life slows down before you die, well maybe it slows down before somebody else dies because I could hear the echo of my own voice in my head. “Throw my key out the window, my key, my key, my-key, mi…..” I heard a thud, actually I wish that was all I heard. The real best way to describe it was a thud and crunch. 

I remember in one of my psychology courses, I was told about something called the ‘trolly problem’ it involved being in charge of a train and suddenly you see five people stuck on a track, there is an alternative track where there is one person, so you have a choice to fold your arms and run down the five people or pull a lever and run just the one, I remember thinking I would pull the lever to save the four people and that was what I decided to do then, I would become a doctor and save many lives, it was obvious that Ellie had problems and because of that would never make a contribution of that kind to society. So I told my parents she sent me outside to get her doll which she said had fallen out the window and then locked the door behind me, shortly after she threw Mikey out the window.

An elderly neighbor witnessed her throwing Mikey out the window from across the road. Bushes at the bottom of our drive had obscured me. 

Ellie didn't have a big vocabulary and never disputed it. Simply nodded when asked if that was what happened. When she returned home after many years away, there was an irony that it was my parents who never made eye contact with her anymore and would only speak to her when they were spoken to first. 

I went on to be a successful surgeon who saved many lives. Ellie spent her life in and out of care facilities. One night shortly after I had turned forty I had been drinking at home on a saturday night and decided to phone the home she was residing in. They told me about the activities she would do and how much she loved to draw and that if I ever visited not to be alarmed as she was free to come and go from the house but the staff simply had to let her in and out as every time they had given her a key she would throw it out of her bedroom window.