Submitted by Anxious-Object-8719 t3_11dtuqt in relationship_advice
hello! I'm 20F and I've been trying to talk to this guy and he is 25. he already had me on snapchat and would message me every 2-3 hours and then it took him a whole weekend and i deleted my messages because i saw no point in it and then he asked for my number to talk to me?? what does this even mean. he says he doesn't go on social media like ever.
I don't know enough to give advice, but I can tell you what it reminds me of. Once I was just starting a relationship with a guy, and I noticed how I needed to talk to him daily, and a weekend with no contact drove me nuts. I felt like he didn't care and I was really hurt.
Some time later (a year? Probably?) I realized - I was NOT ready for a relationship. I started that one so insecure, so desperate for validation, I'm not proud of it. After that relationship ended, I was able to get comfortable on my own, build my confidence back, and eventually start fresh.
Every mistake teaches me something new. From that, I learned the rule "never start a relationship until you feel comfortable alone"
Not too complicated. He wants to talk on the phone instead of an app, and not everyone lives on social media all day. The counter-question i have for you is, why would you delete a conversation with someone you’ve “been trying to talk to” because you didn’t hear from him for a couple of days over a weekend. If you’re that impatient, then are you really ready to date someone who probably just had something going on during the weekend like any adult could?
because i felt like i was bothering him in a way that he didn’t wanna talk to me. i’ve never been in a “relationship” so i really don’t know what to do
i did feel like i was bothering him in a way. I’ve never really done anything with a guy so i’m super lost
Sounds like a lot of self doubt and need for validation. How've you been feeling about yourself lately? How do you usually feel going into a relationship? In the one I described, I had hit a low point. I was lonely, and he gave me attention. I was usually so much more self-assured, so I didn't feel like myself when I kept checking to see if he responded yet.
These things happen. Doesn't mean anything's wrong with you, but it might be worth checking in with yourself
well, honestly i’m been feeling horrible about myself also starving myself in a way like i’ll stop myself from eating and even drinking water. i always feel like i’m no good for anyone so that hasn’t changed i just don’t know what to do or how to talk with a guy because i feel like alot of them just want sex. i’m still a virgin and he hasn’t said anything about that yet
That sounds really tough. Feeling that low is a hard way to live. I've dealt with eating trouble myself. I've had friends go through low points like that too. Could I recommend some things that I've seen help?
of course! and i’m plus size so i also feel worried that he won’t like me like this either idk it’s hard and confusing i don’t know what to do
Gotcha. I’ve been in some long ones so here’s what I would advise for you. Patience. A man aged 25 probably had plans with friends on a weekend. Also, hanging out on SC gets old, and for many guys can be a flag that you’re not serious about a real pursuit. If you want to get to know him, do it directly. Too many young men and women today cannot have a normal conversation over dinner because they’re ONLY used to SC and get awkward spending time with each other, and he’s probably not looking for that situation. The fact that he asked for your number is actually probably a good sign that he’d rather have a normal conversation. Go hang out somewhere and get to know each other (phones put away).
thank you so much!! he’s someone i definitely want to get to know and get serious with.
Like I said, PATIENCE! PATIENCE PATIENCE PATIENCE! Sure, get to know him, but it’s TOO EARLY to tell if you want to get serious yet. Find out if he’s kind. Good to people. Respectful of others in the world. Good with animals, nice to a waiter. Look for little things that tell you the quality of him. Only THEN can you really decide if he’s worth you being serious about. And it goes both ways. You may not be the right one for him. Take time, don’t rush and you’ll see. I wish you good luck! <3
Ok, I've got a list then.
Stop with the negative self talk. Even if you believe negative things about yourself, I'm gonna challenge you right now to stop saying them. It might be hard to catch yourself in the act, but please try.
Notice your values. You absolutely have them. Maybe you can draw well. Maybe you're good at making pancakes. Maybe you did a nice thing for someone once. It can be big, it can be small. Try to remember those.
Stop dating guys. Date yourself. I mean it. Take yourself to see that movie you wanna see. Go to a park or gardens or museum or someplace, walk at your own pace - no need to speed up or slow down for anyone. Learn how to have the perfect bubble bath. Buy yourself flowers! Those are things I did - I treated myself like a queen and it was fantastic.
An extension of 3. Look yourself in the mirror and look for good. Maybe one day your skin is a little clearer, or your hair is behaving better than usual. Maybe, like me, you get yourself well-fitting fancy bras and matching panties so you can look at yourself and say my GOD those curves are looking good! Did you know that statues of Aphrodite, goddess of beauty, had stomach rolls?
A thing that helped me eat: learning about how damn amazing the human body can be. Scrape your knee? Your body's got you! Sending all the white blood cells to defend you, platelets to fix you up! Get sick? It's on alert to defend you. Need to run somewhere? It's preparing to get oxygen where you need it so you can get there! The show Cells at Work was good for me. Made me look at my body more as a friend on my side, that I wanted to feed as thanks. My therapist told me "You deserve nutrients" and I still repeat that to myself regularly when I don't feel like eating
Self care routine. Set yourself bedtimes, working times, meal times. Self care stops being a choice and becomes a habit
Hope that helps! It might not all work for you, but it helped me
you’re amazing thank you sooo much!!!!
No problem at all! We all hit lows. I hope you find a way to feel better soon
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