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ThrowRApleasehelpo OP t1_je3zcbs wrote

Reply to comment by Amar_Akbar_Anthony20 in Should I (19f) end things with my unemployed bf (24m) by ThrowRApleasehelpo

How do I go about talking to him about this? I don’t want to emasculate him or make him feel like he’s lazy or hurt his feelings.

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Amar_Akbar_Anthony20 t1_je3zihb wrote

I would maybe show him this post or set your talk up like that. Say you get the feeling he is not putting in the effort and that he expects it to fall out of the air etc. And then let him speak if he agrees or what he thinks about it.

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ThrowRApleasehelpo OP t1_je3zpvg wrote

I just worry that it isn’t my place. I know in med school I will have to rely on my partner to handle the majority of responsibilities because I will be too busy with school, and I feel like I cannot trust him to do that. His mom gave him a time frame of when to find a job or she’d kick him out, and he did not meet it. I feel like he does not comprehend having a full time job and adult responsibilities. Is there anyway you’d prefer to be told about your partners expectations? I do not want to hurt him.

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Amar_Akbar_Anthony20 t1_je406ix wrote

How is it not your place? Your his partner. And i can understand his moms approach if it hasn't clicked for him now. I don't think it will soon.

> I feel like he does not comprehend having a full time job and adult responsibilities

That is a big problem if you want to build a life and have a future together. Does he already handle responsibilities? Like household chores since he is at home?

I would prefer straight to the point and no beating around the bush. I think his feelings will be hurt anyways.

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ThrowRApleasehelpo OP t1_je40fps wrote

Thank you for your help. I have tried to talk to him about it but seem to struggle with being direct due to not wanting to hurt his feelings. All I want for him is to have a fulfilling life and it saddens me to see how he doesn’t understand that his parents are having to financially support him and how he has options but doesn’t really see that he does. I spoke to him about my concern for med school and he believes he is capable of having a full time job while cooking, cleaning, etc while I study 12+ hours a day, however his actions now say otherwise. I appreciate you taking the time out of your day to help me gain clarity on this. I do agree with you and you’re incredibly helpful

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Amar_Akbar_Anthony20 t1_je40kdz wrote

You are welcome. Goodluck talking to him.

>I spoke to him about my concern for med school and he believes he is capable of having a full time job while cooking, cleaning, etc while I study 12+ hours a day, however his actions now say otherwise

This is correct. Goodluck with this and with medical school. I hope the relationship can work out.

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robbyrandall t1_je44605 wrote

This guy needs to feel like he's lazy and his feelings need to be hurt.

You don't get anywhere in life by being coddled

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ThrowRApleasehelpo OP t1_je44g6u wrote

I am a very avoidant and people pleaser-based person and find it hard to be confrontational. I originally had hopes to motivate him to succeed, however I instead am helping him be complacent as I am his only source of socialization. I do not want to discourage him or make him doubt his capabilities, and do not want to hurt him. Do you have and advice on how to speak to him or what to say? Thanks in advance

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robbyrandall t1_je451cl wrote

Look, external motivation from you is very unlikely going to work, especially in the long term. He'll do some job searching and try to socialize, but that's only to try to please you. This guy is not getting any consequences of not trying. He has food, accommodation and a girlfriend. Why would he try to get change?

Whats best for you and what's best for him is pretty aligned. You say, thanks for all the memories, but I refuse to be dragged down with you. Goodbye

If you make it sound like it was your fault and not his, he's going to end up resenting you more and not get up and do something about his own situation

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ThrowRApleasehelpo OP t1_je459rj wrote

You are correct. I have felt that I am enabling him by providing socialization and other needs. Thank you for your words and time

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