Help I (F20) feel like I’m in a 3-way with my boyfriends (M28) mum(F54)

Submitted by ThrowRA_throwaways t3_127kfg6 in relationship_advice

So basically me and my boyfriend have been dating for almost 2 years now and I have moved in to his house, with his mum. So the relationship was going great when I was visiting, I would stay over a month then go back to my house for a month and his mum was fine, she was nice, welcoming, chatty, just normal mum things. But when I moved in I realised that he depends on his mum for almost EVERYTHING! He doesn’t even know how to wash his own clothes or put a plaster on his finger. He can’t even make a sandwich for himself. When he’s hungry he just asks him mum if she can make something for him, or he asks me. I try to encourage him to do it for himself but his mum is just babying him, she’s like “oh don’t worry about it I’ll do it” and stuff like that. The only chores I’ve seen him do is wash the dishes or hoover the living room. That’s it. I cook my own food or sometimes I will make food for all of us (his dad is around too but not really bothered also my bf is an only child). I don’t mind making meals sometimes I quite enjoy cooking. But what the post it about is that I feel like I’m in a 3 way with his mum. She is everywhere like a rash. I know it’s her house but still. When me and my bf have an argument or something and he is visibly upset his mum is like oh what’s wrong and he just spills everything to her, then she gets all involved and sits us both down for a talk. I have said to my bf that I don’t want him telling his mum everything because some stuff is private to me. And he can’t drive so his mum drives him everywhere so we can’t even go out by ourselves because she drives, she injects herself into conversations and wants to know everything that goes on. I feel like I have to compete with his mum for his attention. And if we are out by ourselves he can’t go a day without phoning her or texting her constantly. I feel like I’m becoming his sister, second mum or in a 3 way. I love him so much but I feel annoyed almost on a daily basis. And when I think into the future and if we have kids I don’t want his mum raising my own kids!!! And when he moves out he wants to live 5 mins away and he says he will visit them every day. And I said what if I’m at work? And he says oh I will just take the kids to mums and she can help, aka raise them for him. I have tried to talk to him about being independent and getting away from her for a bit and living his life but he just says oh you don’t understand (because I don’t speak to my mum). But I just keep coming back that I don’t want this woman raising my kids and being around 24/7.

We are going on holiday soon, just me and him but I know he’s going to be calling and texting her constantly. If he does I will have to say something because it’s for us, not her. She treats us like we are both 12 and I think she has done that so much to him that he just thinks he’s still a child and doesn’t realise his age because she has brainwashed him and not given him any independence.

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pineboxwaiting t1_jeem6ee wrote

So, why are you still with him? This is who he is. It works for him. He’s not changing.

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bishop0408 t1_jeegmfa wrote

What the fuck is up with a 26 year old dating an 18 year old. Goddamn some of the relationships on here I'm just like these men are walking red flags

I think you can clearly see why he doesn't get anyone his own age. The mother is not the issue. Your boyfriend is.

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ThrowRA_throwaways OP t1_jeehkmt wrote

Yeah I’ve been thinking that but idk what to do

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bishop0408 t1_jeehqmb wrote

You move out and break up with him

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ThrowRA_throwaways OP t1_jeeia0y wrote

But then I would be essentially homeless, I can’t go back to my mother because I would go insane and my dad is out of the picture. But I suppose I would have to go back to my mother until I can gather enough money that’s the only way.

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bishop0408 t1_jeeinft wrote

Do you work? Are you in school?

Well that sounds better than this situation. Don't you see what he did? He isolated you so that your only option is to stay with him. You need to leave. Unless your mother is abusive then I think it'd be wise to go back there and reevaluate things.

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Kubuubud t1_jeegxqw wrote

With peace and love, there’s a reason he’s a grown man and dating someone who was a teenager at the start of the relationship, and it’s because he really should not get away with this behavior.

It sounds like he’s a mamas boy, and if he’s not willing to work on that, you’re signing up for this three way relationship. I would really not expect him to change at all

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ThrowRA_throwaways OP t1_jeehneb wrote

I think he is definitely a mamas boy and I think he likes being one so I think you’re right

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Kubuubud t1_jeei5if wrote

He doesn’t have to do anything at all he doesn’t want to. Hes able to be independent like an adult, but I’m reality he’s being coddled like a teenage boy.

Also sounds like an awful case of enmeshment/emotional incest. Where’s his dad at?

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ThrowRA_throwaways OP t1_jeeirjw wrote

His dad is around and still in the house but had a health scare and is now disabled, so I don’t know if that has something to do with his mum and him being the way they are?

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succubus-slayer t1_jeetmaa wrote

Sounds like he wants another mom. Him dating someone so young (fresh out of HS) is a good indication that he can’t hold healthy relationships and probably wants an impressionable mind he can train to be his mommy.

I’m not gonna pretend I was successful and on my own at 28, but I knew to try to carry my own weight. He’s old enough to do his own laundry, cook for himself and not be dependent on his mom for everything. A mother that cares is gonna baby her child, of course, but he needs to choose to be independent aside from that, and if he’s just laying being pampered… well his gonna expect the same from you.

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