Can’t see a reason behind romantic relationship

Submitted by Green_Appeal_5541 t3_yiqlgc in relationship_advice

I’m 22(M) and never been in a relationship even once in my whole life. I’m a very analytical type of guy and have to always know a reason before doing something. However, I’m not a robot and have this desire to love/be loved time to time, but every time I think about I’m end up coming to conclusion that there’s more reasons to stay away from the relationship rather than to be in one.

Let me explain.

My main point is that I’ve seen too many examples of how guys screw up girls (abuse, toxicity, etc.) and that disgusts me. Maybe I’m being too romantic but I’ve always believed in this idea of “chivalry” and the fact that in modern world this concept seem to be dying is surely depressing for me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not the henpecked type of guy. I’m not saying that men should be licking women’s asses or whatever. However I see any kind of relationship as a partnership, since it involves different “parties”. And since it’s a partnership the one must be ready to bear responsibility and bring in the ground to grow on.

That’s where you lose me. Whenever a certain situationship is starting to move forward these kind of thoughts start popping in my mind and I end up falling back. I don’t think I have any commitment issues though, I’m pretty much consistent with my words and actions. However I’ve always fought with the inner darkness (depression, suicide sessions, anxiety, etc.), well just like all of us I guess, but even to think that these demons might break out one day and impact someone else, especially someone I’d love, is devastating.

So I’m trapped in some kind of paradox: I really want to be close with someone and at the same time I want to protect people I love from myself.

I could really use some advice since it seems like I’m missing something important.

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peakpenguins t1_iujyxcr wrote

>However I’ve always fought with the inner darkness (depression, suicide sessions, anxiety, etc.), well just like all of us I guess, but even to think that these demons might break out one day and impact someone else, especially someone I’d love, is devastating.

Sounds like the best thing you can do here is get help for those issues.

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Green_Appeal_5541 OP t1_iujz6w3 wrote

I am actually on therapy, but can’t really treat them fully, only hold back

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peakpenguins t1_iujzmot wrote

Well part of therapy is learning how to deal with these things in a healthy way.

Is the bottom line that you're afraid getting into a relationship will be bad for that person because of these things you feel?

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Green_Appeal_5541 OP t1_iujzvjv wrote

Im afraid that I might negatively impact their life if they get too close to me

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peakpenguins t1_iuk05r2 wrote

Understandable, but you know practically everyone has issues of some sort, right? You're clearly aware of yours and seeking help to handle them, which is all any of us can do. If someone you found to be wonderful in every way told you that they've also dealt with depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, etc, how would you feel?

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Green_Appeal_5541 OP t1_iuk19c5 wrote

I see your point, but in my mind, I treat myself and everyone else differently. I mean, there’s practically nothing anyone can say or do to really hurt me. However I recognize that not everyone is like that and coming too close go someone is always like holding a baby for the first time: I’m afraid to unintentionally hurt them.

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peakpenguins t1_iuk1s7a wrote

I think you should continue getting therapy... You don't have to have a relationship if you don't want to, obviously. But if you feel like you want to and it is only fear holding you back, then continue to get help for that. Being aware of what you're afraid of is already the best way to prevent it.

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confusedhimbo t1_iuk247p wrote

Sounds like you’ve analyzed and rationalized your way into a form of self-harm through enforced isolation. It’s easy to do, the more rational and logical your mindset is in general, the harder it becomes to recognize and overcome the irrational conclusions brought on by mental health brain worms.

Relationships are weird, awkward and messy. But when they go well, they can be the thing that helps balance out the bad shit. Best thing you can do is to try to stop thinking of your struggles as some sort of ticking time bomb that you have to protect the world from, and just adopt the traditional metaphor: baggage. The baggage might be annoying and inconvenient, but a partner will help you carry it and lighten the load. In turn, you’ll help them with theirs when it’s needed.

Obviously that doesn’t mean dumping all your shit on people, but if you have a good therapist helping you keep your problems in check, it’s worth it to try trusting and opening up to other people. There’s a good chance you’ll discover that they are more resilient than you think.

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NicTri20 t1_iuk71dp wrote

There are people who are having loving relationships while you are writing this. You are young and don't have to if you don't want to. My greatest love and growth came from committing to one person and working things through.

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New-Access-9754 t1_iujz70p wrote

This is a very elaborate way of stating, “gets no bitches.”

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Green_Appeal_5541 OP t1_iujzgmv wrote

Good one xD In fact “getting bitches” is not a problem for me, I was talking about something deeper than that lol

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