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The-Clumsy-Pirate t1_iyesyf1 wrote

>Did I do the right thing by leaving?

Yes

> Is a cheater forever going to be a cheater?

Most likely, but good news - thats not your problem anymore

What's the name of this service btw? 👀

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Aitainthis1999 t1_iyey57t wrote

Thank you . And I dm you, I don’t want to say it publicly in case it triggers someone who’s been through cheating .

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nashamagirl99 t1_iyfc4ip wrote

How would saying the name of the app trigger people who’ve been through cheating more than a whole post about cheating does?

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Outsajder t1_iyfbey0 wrote

This feels like an ad for that shady website lmao.

Don't fall for it people.

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michuru809 t1_iyevghg wrote

You might as well ask if people change who they fundamentally are.

Cheating isn't tied to a single behavior- it's a whole series of behaviors that are essential for perpetuating the acts. In order to be a cheater you have to be comfortable with lying, manipulating, gaslighting, reduce your empathy for someone you may/may not care about (but pretend to care about), and putting your wants ahead of someone else's safety and security. On top of that, when you tell the truth you don't have to have a good memory- but when you lie... well now you have to have a good memory for what really happened and what you said happened, and possibly rely on other people to also have good memories and now you're into remembering what you told someone else to remember. Maybe good note taking too? Have a little dossier of lies you've told? Sounds like a lot of work for the cheater, even more work for you to keep up!

It's not a switch that gets turned off, it's several behaviors that the person has to want to change. He actively sought out other people.

You'll be way moved on before there's any hope for him to change.

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Aitainthis1999 t1_iyew3a0 wrote

This is a hard reality I needed to hear

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[deleted] OP t1_iyezj4u wrote

[deleted]

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Aitainthis1999 t1_iyf07ub wrote

Just reading that killed me inside. Thank you for taking the time to help me realise how pointless this is.

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biteme717 t1_iyf35o6 wrote

Does he know yet, and what did he say? Also good for you and have a wonderful life and enjoy yourself!!

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Aitainthis1999 t1_iyf3hmu wrote

He knows and he says he’s very sorry he went on tinder but also he thinks I’m crazy for using that service to find out. Sigh

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biteme717 t1_iyf40w6 wrote

Typical response, it's not like he was going to tell you. You have just dodged a bullet and ridded yourself of more headaches and heartbreaks!! Feel good about yourself and I hope you find happiness in the future!!

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silkyleon t1_iyeodak wrote

OK, congrats but this is a forum for people looking for advice. So... do you have a question?

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Aitainthis1999 t1_iyeol53 wrote

That little voice in my head asks if I did the right thing by leaving, if cheaters can change, and I start to feel guilty for leaving him.

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interestingpitch33 t1_iyepys4 wrote

Cheaters rarely change. If they do, they don't deserve to have the loyal person they fucked up with back

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Aitainthis1999 t1_iyer3ga wrote

I know you are right it’s just so hard.

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interestingpitch33 t1_iyerkoo wrote

It is the first few weeks. I told my ex that I still loved her a week after she cheated on me because my brain just wasn't processing how she could have thrown away our 4 year relationship that easily. But after a few months, I'm glad she's out of my life and I am already such a better person. Give it time.

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K-braithwaite t1_iyf7sqf wrote

Cheaters need to want to change. And if he's lying to you, he doesn't want to change.

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Thick_History_3820 t1_iyevxer wrote

I think you should have closed the relationship out properly at least. Being abrupt usually hurts you in the long run. People develop all sorts of trust issues and ptsd so for your own sake maybe have a conversation but remember, nothing he did was a result of your shortcomings, it's always their own insecurities and mental health issues.

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sportxsport t1_iyfcv1t wrote

Kinda sounds like a scam website lol

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K-braithwaite t1_iyf7quq wrote

Does the service account for when tinder was used last?

For instance, I just checked, and I never deleted my profile from over 6 years ago, I just deleted the app. I've done so now, but just wanting to make sure you're not recommending an app to people that doesn't account for that.

Either way, if you're at a point of needing to check that, the relationship is already over, because trust is totally gone. If he's been lying to you for a long time now, then it's best to be gone as well.

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MadameMonk t1_iyewfh8 wrote

Well if you feel yourself wobble, just remind yourself that for all you know his Tinder account bore lots of fruit and he’s been bonking himself silly behind your back for years, exposing you to sexual risk. The pictures in my mind would be very effective at squashing any remaining feelings. And I equally wouldn’t give him any more of my mental energy or time. Look forward, and make your moves to a better future.

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avidReader9614 t1_iyeyptl wrote

What's the website?

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Aitainthis1999 t1_iyez6jd wrote

I dm you. Everyone who is asking please if you want to know ask me privately I don’t want to tempt people who don’t want to use it or to trigger anyone thank you

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AreiaMage t1_iyf5ymz wrote

Yes leaving was the right thing to do.

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SCA_CH t1_iyexskz wrote

You did the right thing!

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Aitainthis1999 t1_iyeyi59 wrote

Thank you for the words of encouragement I really need them

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Foreign_Wolverine_47 t1_iyfe7ck wrote

I think you didn't get all your ducks in a row before you pulled the trigger. You should have looked through his phone to confirm. Any asshole can use a picture of your partner, create a tinder account to catfish someone or to hurt him or you. I think dumping him was the right move for the gaslighting but the jury is out on the cheating.

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DonkeyKongCallum t1_iyf7lln wrote

wait how? I defo need to know this service, my partner has been acting weird

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Bryanormike t1_iyf8ro0 wrote

In the future, you don't need to go through all this to leave someone. It sounds like you didn't trust him and had some decent reason. You don't need 100% concrete proof.

You did do well by leaving him once you found out.

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Prince_Saicon t1_iyerxgz wrote

Are you looking for a high five or something? He's not gonna change and you're not wasting your time anymore so unless you like being cheated on you. You did the right thing

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Independent-Fig-4595 t1_iyf8eqd wrote

I believe cheaters can change but I don't think they can change for a partner who stays with them after cheating. And even if they did the trust will never be full and whole anyway. You did the right thing. Hopefully they betters themselves as a consequence of your correct decision to leave them.

I'm sorry this happened to you, it might take a while to get over and have an impact in your future relationships and ability to trust. Keep an eye on that and if you are struggling with trust even when there is no reason to reach out to a therapist for help.

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Dragons0ulight t1_iyf8ok5 wrote

OP, get yourself checked for STDs, just to be safe. Maybe it was just all talk, maybe it wasn't but don't take that risk with your health.

I hope everything gets better for you soon.

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ThisSpecificPangolin t1_iyf07tp wrote

Rule 3

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Aitainthis1999 t1_iyf18jm wrote

What’s that?

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ThisSpecificPangolin t1_iyf3lr3 wrote

Did you read the subreddit rules?

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Aitainthis1999 t1_iyf40e3 wrote

This isn’t a moral judgement request at all

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ThisSpecificPangolin t1_iyf4mr7 wrote

> Did I do the right thing by leaving?

Oh?

Also rules 1 & 2. You provided no detail, and didn't ask for advice for a specific situation.

Outrage troll post.

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Aitainthis1999 t1_iyf4wwu wrote

I needed advice on this situation which is actually quite important to me. I want to know if I’m this situation people side with me or not

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