Should I break up with him?

Submitted by shiftenterspace t3_z93w8m in relationship_advice

My boyfriend (25M) and I (28F) have been in a relationship for 2.5 years (known eachother since 3 years when we started dating). We get along really well and we both feel as though we are eachother’s soulmates. We both are very much still into eachother, mentally and physically, our intimate relationship is great.

In September, my boyfriend went home to the east coast to visit his family for about 2 weeks. He went out with his friends, who are single, and got really drunk and flirted with some women. He called me drunk and told me what he did and kept telling me that he missed me and wished I was there. I told him I had to go and couldn’t talk because I was in the middle of something and he kept calling and texting me how much he loved and missed me. Then texted me “tbh acting single isn’t for me”. When we talked the next day, he didn’t remember anything he said when he called me but said that he felt like sometimes he wants to be single and liked the feeling of being free and being able to do what he wants (aka talk to other women). He suggested an open relationship because he said he knows he wants to be with me and he’s never had a doubt about that, but feels like he is too young to give up having sex with multiple people. He said he needed time to think everything through so I gave him time to figure it out.

After about 2-3 weeks of him thinking and also our schedules were hectic so didn’t find time to sit and talk about this specifically, we talked and he ultimately decided that it was a fleeting feeling and he was high from the attention he received and that he wants to be with me only and that he values our relationship over anything else. So we moved forward but after Halloween, we got into an argument and he brought it up again that when we go out to the clubs, he gets the feeling that he wants to have sex with other women and talk to them and maybe he hasn’t gotten it out of his system.

Part of me understands where he is coming from and I get that men especially have this idea that they need to live it up now before settling down. I’ve also thought about how I wish I had the opportunity to casually date more people before meeting him. But ultimately now that I’ve met him and our connection is so great, I wouldn’t imagine wanting to leave to go date other people because I feel as though I’ve met my person.

He suggested a break but I’ve always been told that breaks are pointless and that he just wants to be able to have sex with other people and come back to me. He said he is really conflicted and needs to do some soul searching but knows that he doesn’t want to break up and doesn’t want to lose me. Has anyone been in this situation and have any advice on how to handle it? Should I break up with him and never look back? It’s hard leaving someone when the relationship was great and we’re best friends. But I’m wondering if this feeling he is having will ever go away if he doesn’t go explore that.. Not sure how to handle it.

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Ill_Eye5273 t1_iyeur5v wrote

I don't know about you , but i would never stay with someone that doesn't appreciate me nor care about my feelings , i would just consider this as a red flag , he is being toxic af

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ulose2piranha t1_iyevd58 wrote

He walked back his original comment because he knew you were upset... not because he felt differently. He still wants to bang other women and will do it with or without your permission. You can decide that an open relationship is acceptable, you can wait for him to cheat and then decide how to proceed, or you can end it now before he gets the chance.

But make no mistake: he will try to have sex outside the relationship whether you're on board with that or not. Whatever decision you make should be made with that knowledge at the forefront of your thoughts.

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MckittenMan t1_iyevt1h wrote

You're you're already on the path to breaking up.

This will be main cause:

>Now that I’ve met him and our connection is so great, I wouldn’t imagine wanting to leave to go date other people because I feel as though I’ve met my person.

You don't see it now, but he just poisoned you.

If you try to patch this up, these thoughts will manifest into something worse: I am not good enough for him. He does not see me the same way I see him...My relationship does not mean the same to him... Those will eat away at you over time. He just punctured a hole in your connection.

You're right... breaks are pointless. You don't get to put the reletionship on pause, go fuck around, return and expect everything to go back to normal... it won't be.

Will his feelings ever go away until he explores it? Who knows... but we know that your feelings towards the reletionship and how you feel valued will be changed for the worse.

You will be develop resentment regarding this: I couldn't imagine anyone else because I feel that I met my person... For the reason because it exists for you, but not for him. He just revealed that you're not on the same page.

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Mintblock_ t1_iyeybtx wrote

"Have your cake and eat it" comes to mind. Unfortunately, I don't think this will leave his system, which is a shame because you're clearly doing all you can to understand what he wants/needs. You sound like you're handling this really well tbh - a lot better than most people. He thinks he's seeing greener grass when all he needs to do is tend to his own turf. I hope he eventually sees that before he throws away a good thing.

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EvenOrchid6345 t1_iyf10xr wrote

He's clearly letting you know that he's not committed to this relationship. He likes you, thinks you're a good catch, a good investment in his future...just not quite good enough to make up for all that possible puss he's passing up. This is a guy who will cheat if he has the opportunity.

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