[33M] [26F] why doesn’t my husband *show* me he loves me through gestures?

Submitted by Worldexplorer_ t3_1002qee in relationship_advice

My husband and I have been together for 7 years, 4 married. We were long distance for a bit and I always sent him a present, but he never sent me one. That passed, we started living together a few years ago and honestly the whole relationship is great. He’s sweet, we share house chores, we both work & everything is basically perfect.

I plan our anniversary getaways every year. I plan our birthdays. He helps out on the day of. We never go out on a date unless I plan it. Sex is basically the same thing everytime unless I switch it up. Why? He tells me he’ll work harder every year but it’s the same story every time. He does it the one time then never again untill I get upset. I just want to feel special and keep the spark alive? Why is it so hard for him? I know he loves me, but this stuff is important to the relationship and to me.

What should I do? Should I just settle and accept it and move on? I’m distraught.

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gcitt t1_j2f4zl4 wrote

Because you put up with it for 7 years and married him anyway. Why would he change? He already has what he wants. Unfortunately, what he wants isn't to make you happy.

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Worldexplorer_ OP t1_j2f56j9 wrote

He does make me happy.. in other ways. He’s kind and does the dishes. He’s super supportive. He wants kids & I don’t right now, and he makes sure I know that I don’t need to do anything I don’t want to.

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gcitt t1_j2f9az4 wrote

That is bare minimum shit. That is what you get from a roommate.

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Worldexplorer_ OP t1_j2fahpl wrote

What should I do?

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gcitt t1_j2fhjp8 wrote

Tell him what you need. Tell him you're done if you don't see any effort. Stick to your word.

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Worldexplorer_ OP t1_j2fin0w wrote

I’m not that brave :(

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gcitt t1_j2fk1tw wrote

Then you're going to be miserable. There is no third option. He's not going to magically change.

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Worldexplorer_ OP t1_j2fkdjq wrote

Every year i think, “this is the year” & i swear he’s perfect in every other way. But i agree with you, it’s like having a roommate. Which sucks for me. But i love him :( and i feel like he tries & fails. Like it’s very hard for him. When we talk about it he says he’ll try harder and never tries to justify it.

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gcitt t1_j2fl1t2 wrote

Yeah, I did that for 5 years. Once I stopped putting up with it, I was immediately replaced. You're a seat filler.

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MossValley t1_j2f54y8 wrote

It sounds like he isn't a planner. Lots of people arnt. It also sounds like he won't change since you already told him about it. But it does sound like he has other positive qualities. Does he show you he loves you in other ways?

I think being "distraught" over him not planning special outings seems a little extreme to me. But if its that important to you then maybe he's not the right guy for you.

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gcitt t1_j2fkf37 wrote

It's not just about the planning. She expressed that she was unhappy, he promised to do something about it, and then he didn't. You don't have to be a big planner to ask your partner out to the movies or Google a new sex position.

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Worldexplorer_ OP t1_j2f5d70 wrote

It’s very important to me. And I think that’s it. That he isn’t a planner. But that’s what’s confusing to me… how do I care less about those things? They’re SUPER important to me. Especially in the beginning of a relationship & I never got it.

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MossValley t1_j2f8xdq wrote

Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. It sounds like planning is a strength for you. That's great! What are his strengths? Do they make up for his weaknesses?

I really enjoy planning and getting to pick out what my partner and I do. My current bf will plan too but I actually prefer to do the planning. I've been in relationships where guys would make extravagant plans... it was nice but I found if a guy did that early on they were often just trying to impress and their true shitty natures came out later on. Love bombing is actually a really common thing... The extravagant planners in my past turned out to be liers, cheaters and abusers...

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Worldexplorer_ OP t1_j2fuoou wrote

I don’t even need anything extravagant. I’d be ok with a handwritten note or a homecooked meal or even takeout. As long as it’s special. And ive told him that. He just says he doesnt know how.

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