[27M][29F] I am bothered by the lack of physical intimacy with my gf

Submitted by ThrowRA-corn-fudge t3_10005sl in relationship_advice

I (27M) have recently been getting increasingly frustrated with the lack of physical intimacy in my relationship with my girlfriend (28F). We were dating about 3 months before we became official and exclusive. Nothing physical happened during this time, and at one point she said she just wanted to be friends. I was okay with that bc she was in a tough spot in life and I was happy to be supportive, since I met her through other friends and didn't want to be weird. I also had other people I was seeing so I'd moved on. But since we remained good friends she would know about other people I was dating and get jealous. Finally one day she asked me out and wanted an exclusive relationship. I was still attracted to her so I decided to give it a chance. She mentioned that she had problems with physical intimacy and that she was being prudish at the time. She has BPD and OCD and trauma associated with sexual experiences. I told her I'd be lying if I said physical intimacy wasn't important to me and that my previous relationship ended because of the lack of physical intimacy. She asked me to not worry and said that physical intimacy is also important to her. However, since then I feel like our intimacy has been dwindling. I really have no other gripes, I love her and she is a loving and caring partner but I can't help but feel rejected, unwanted and ugly. She assures me that she's attracted to me, but after only had sex like 3 times in two months, words themselves are not very reassuring. This was not the case in my previous long term relationships which were very sexually active (except for the last one which ended for this very reason, and I was the one who lost sexual interest in that case). I understand her position and the trauma associated with sex, but at the same time the lack of sexual intimacy at the very beginning of a relationship with no sign of changing has left me somewhat torn. As much as I love her I don't think I see myself in a relationship like this for the rest of my life. I want to bring it up but I'm not sure how to go about it without it sounding like I'm trying to force her into having sex with me, or appear like I'm threatening to leave if she doesn't. I don't want her to think I'm only in it for the sex, because I'm not, but it is important to me. What really prompted this post is that I just got back from a 2 week vacation with family, away from her, and even after having been away for so long she did not seem eager for any physical intimacy. I will take any advice on how I should proceed here.

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AffectionateWheel386 t1_j2eo41z wrote

Some of this stuff I read hear unread it is sort of malarkey. Since the beginning of time people that issues with different things, traumas with different things. They still had sex. In a relationship with two adult sex is an important component. If your little beetles are the same, that’s OK then but in this case clearly, it’s not. I would sit down and have a long talk with her, and either compromise, or decide to go your separate ways.

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_neontangles t1_j2eph5d wrote

> As much as I love her I don't think I see myself in a relationship like this for the rest of my life. I want to bring it up but I'm not sure how to go about it without it sounding like I'm trying to force her into having sex with me, or appear like I'm threatening to leave if she doesn't.

Break up. I know that's cliché for Reddit, but break up.

You are fully within your right to be frustrated if you're not getting as much physical intimacy as you'd like in a relationship. But she's also absolute within her right to take things at her own pace because she's dealing with trauma.

You literally said you don't want to do this for the rest of your life, and you don't want it to sound like you're forcing her or threatening to leave.. but you kind of are telling her that you're going to leave if she doesn't fulfill your physical needs.

If you can't accept her for where she is right now, and you aren't having your needs met, then this isn't the right relationship for you.

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ThrowRA-corn-fudge OP t1_j2ere01 wrote

Replying to _neontangles (#1,238,360)

Well she suggested things will get better. That this was temporary which is why I started the relationship in the first place. She knows what my needs are and I've communicated that pretty clearly.I don't want to just break up without having a conversation about it. I don't really have a problem with waiting, it's the uncertainty that's bothering me the most. We're always kissing and hugging and cuddling so there isn't a lack of physical intimacy entirely. But you might have a point about incompatibility, I just won't know if that's the case until we talk about it.

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ATXRedhead420 t1_j2f2pbl wrote

She has sexual trauma that may never get better

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_neontangles t1_j2f2q3x wrote

Replying to ThrowRA-corn-fudge (#1,239,059)

Definitely talk about it for sure, and work through it if you can! Having that conversation is important for you both to be on the same page, whatever that looks like. If you can work through it, that's awesome. But also remember, that you can be two wonderful people individually, that love and respect each other, and ultimately aren't the best match. Hoping it works out for you!

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