(29M)(25F) I don't agree with her being best friends with a guy she was sleeping with for a year.

Submitted by FanUpbeat t3_zzxgwm in relationship_advice

Back Story:

I've known this woman for 2 years but we just recently started dating. Over those two years, I didn't really talk to her much but she had a lot of ups and downs with friends and relationships and started sleeping with one of her best friends at the time. It was really bad from her recount so she decided to stop the sexual part of the relationship in July. I meet her months later (November) and I myself and just getting out of a relationship so we decide even though we've found a little interest in each other for two years, it's best to heal before trying to get into anything.

She said no sex, I say fine but as soon as we spent time together, she jumped all over me so that went out the window. She said she doesn't know what she wants, I said fine so we should literally be friends nothing more, but me saying this upset her and she said she wants me.

Now she is saying the old best friend keeps coming around and she needs to break things off for good. Not for good forever, she wants them to stop talking for a year and pick up their strict friendship later, only I've heard this almost every week since I started talking to her. I'm not comfortable with the fact that she keeps trying to have me on the phone late, go on dates, gets jealous when other girls look at me, etc but at the same time she can't let go of some guy who obviously still wants her sexually.

I told her that it's not right to want all the benefits of a relationship from me when she seems very emotionally unavailable and uncertain. I really like her but I can't allow myself to stand by and be a fool. I need to call things off but I'm uncertain, is this immature jealously on my part or actual clear logic? Also, I don't want her to feel like she shouldn't have been so open with me so how do I go by explaining this in a kind and soft way? I've been known to be very blunt and not mincing my words. I want to improve at that.

TL;DR - (29m)(25f) Girl I'm dating can't let go of the friendship part of a recently past fling but wants all the benefits of a relationship from me. Am I being immature?

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bishop0408 t1_j2e4fn4 wrote

I think you should avoid this situation, it just doesn't sound healthy or like either of you know what you want

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FanUpbeat OP t1_j2e92o3 wrote

I know that I wouldn't mind dating her but i'm reluctant to move forward because this all just seems.....juvenile and I can't put my trust in juvenile behavior.

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SmileSong t1_j2e5fsf wrote

From what you’ve written it seems like she’s extremely immature. It’s more likely than not she’s keeping him around for when you guys inevitably end.

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RayquazaRising t1_j2f6c2j wrote

Honestly this sounds like she has stuff to sort out. She wants to be ready but clearly isn't. Sometimes people try to move on before they have fully healed because they don't fully know how they have been impacted.

I don't think she has any ill intent here I think she just needs to step back from relationships for awhile.

You don't need to feel immature. It's perfectly reasonable to expect some sort of commitment or experience some hesitation when starting a relationship with someone emotionally unavailable. You're completely in the right to decide its not what you want and you shouldn't feel bad about it.

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FanUpbeat OP t1_j2frepo wrote

I’ve told her we should just be friends and she hasn’t really gone by that. I know there’s the very obviously perspective of if she doesn’t respect your wishes then that’s your decision…but people are more complex than that. Do you think there’s a way for us to just be friends while she heals or does it seem more like she needs that time away before she opens up romantically at all?

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