Lol I was on Zoloft and than lexapro and it helped with the PTSD and nightmares etc. he told me when we first started going out that I didn’t need them. (Secretly I think he did this bc he couldn’t make me cum and I know that’s his thing but also bc he saw me still struggling) I went off of them a few weeks into our relationship and boy….was a fuckin nuts…still am a bit.

UPDATE. We talked on the phone, I called him and after him waking up and hearing me he said he didn’t care because he only worry’s about us and he’s sorry that it hurts me this much but he’s only worried about us and us only in the bedroom and he said he’s very happy and we haven’t had any problems yet 😊 I apologized multiple times and that I love him and wouldn’t want to share us with anyone else and it would’nt feel the same and I just love him. I explained that the thought popped into my head not that I was dwelling on it. Ofc that’s what happened last night anyway. But he’s fine LOL.

We exclaimed our love and he hurried off for school and wished me good luck on my interview today. Yesterday I was feeling very very off prior to this. And I poured my heart out to him about my aspirations and how much I want him by my side to continue to uplift me as I also do to him. And for him to just be my right hand and how I want him to see me succeed and I want the same for him. I kept crying and being emotional af (I don’t think I’m usually like this…that’s why he asked if I was pregnant, which I guess I’ll go get a test anyway).

It’s no excuse and I don’t think he was expecting this but I think that’s why he’s also being patient and understanding. I also know this has to come from me to “forgive” his past. I judged by his looks that he was an asshole and player and did stuff like this. And when I did hear this I thought he was just better than that or wasn’t capable of it. It was shocking to me. I know that’s fucked up too.

I don’t want to dwell or be jealous or make him upset and myself. I don’t want to jeopardize our relationship now, bc of something that probably lasted 10 minutes and most importantly- before he even knew me!

It’s something I’ll have to deal with and not bring up anymore probably. Also for me to believe him and trust him. We have amazing chemistry. He doesn’t realize but I never knew I could be attracted to a man/anyone this much. When we’re together it’s just so natural and comfortable. I was always so afraid with men, I wouldn’t leave my house too much because i was terrified. He doesn’t know who I really was and how I acted than.

Also the reason I have trust issues to begin with besides my trauma is that his ex was his lock and Home Screen when we went out on our first date. I thought I was the other woman. And he broke down and he was like idk why I have that up still and exclaimed we had an amazing night and that there was a good connection. That severed it for me- but he practically begged me to go out again and If I didn’t have the connection I did with him. LITERALLY anyone else would’ve been blocked. Which yea, this mistake cause problems in our relationship in the beginning for sure. He had to work a lot of that trust back into the relationship. Mostly all thanks to mom for wanting me to give it another go if “I liked him” lmao. Thanks ma.