28M trying to know if I’m getting taken advantage of financially by my now ex 28F girlfriend

Submitted by TMGStan420 t3_10qd244 in relationship_advice

So my ex girlfriend and I had been doing distance for about a year, with me being the one who did most of the traveling because of job flexibility. I would drive 7 hours one way (when gas prices were at its peek), stay for a week, pay for most of our meals, and drinks, while she would cook some nights. In the beginning, I was okay with taking the lead on monetary things as I made around 40k more than her. But after a while, things started to feel incredibly imbalanced; I was making the trips to come see her at least once a month with no help in the gas expenses, I was paying probably $100 for every $15 she spent, I was sacrificing other hobbies that cost money, and an entitlement to my money started to begin. I tried a few times to tel her that having her reach for the check sometimes would mean a lot to me. I felt like I was taking the brunt of the sacrifices for distance to work.

About a year in, she moves to where I live. I fly to her state, I pack up the Uhaul, I drive it 7 hours, and unpack it in the same day. Not one complaint because I was happy to have her closer. At one point she asked me to chip in for gas and I told her no because I never asked her to chip in for me on any trip I had ever taken to come visit. She was annoyed but it past.

One night we went to a really nice dinner with my friends and it ended up being a roast session of me the entire night. Which I’m normally cool with, but that night it felt like a pile on. I told her later that night she hurt my feelings with a few comments and I was gonna drop her off at her place tonight and just take some time to myself. The next morning she texts me asking if I was still annoyed with her and if there was anything she could do to make me feel better. I said no not really but something that would really make my day would be a Starbucks coffee, since I was working at home. She texted me back asking if there was anything she could do that didn’t cost money. I was a little floored honestly because I’d pay 6 dollars any day if it made my partner feel better. I responded with something along the lines of "hey, i love you very much. however i do not feel valued right now. I'm going to take some space, ill text you later."

We ended up talking later that afternoon and she was apologetic but no changes ever happened. After that, i began really start paying attention to how often, if ever, she paid for something. So much so that we agreed that for our trip out west, we would just pay for our own things separately. In hindsight, it wasn't the best first impression to make with her brother but i was just so fed up being financially drained.

For context, shes still very reliant on her parents for finances, as she has accrued credit card debt and loans to pay back the IRS for taking too much unemployment during COVID. Her dad still pays her student loan payments and her summer vacations.

Did i dodge a potential financial risk/bullet?

UPDATE: A point I forgot to mention was that all the while during the first 6 months of dating, I was under the impression that she was near broke and did not have much in savings. Not too long after did she reveal to me she had just as much in her savings, if not more, than I did.

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mark_1950 t1_j6pb8ku wrote

Yes.

Seems like you have it together, financially, and she does not.

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nightowl2023 t1_j6pc4uo wrote

I'm not saying that this is right but when something is a social norm it's hard to say that something is "wrong".

It very much is still a social norm for the male in a MF relationship to take on a higher financial burden. The 50/50 model is an exception and a lot of women are conditioned to not think anything of it.

Part of the problem here is that you feel that this should be expected. And she obviously feels something else should be expected. And that's what happen when two people don't actually talk to each other about expectations.

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TMGStan420 OP t1_j6pd7ux wrote

Expectations were talked about very early on. It was discussed at month 2 into our relationship and at two other moments. I didn’t expect 50/50 because of our salary discrepancies. We agreed that the effort I’m putting in financially can be offset in other areas. But it wasn’t. We agreed with her having a slightly larger grocery bill for the weeks I visited so that we had leftovers for lunch. After like 2 visits, it ended up with me having to give her money for groceries because she didn’t want to pay 40 dollars more the weeks I visited.

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nightowl2023 t1_j6pe928 wrote

As someone who writes contracts and policies every day. You think that what you discussed was clear once again but I'm telling you that it was not.

For example "offset in other areas" what does that mean?

Does it mean extra sex? And how do you define extra sex? Your expectations obviously we're not met so unless she was intentionally trying not to meet them there was some type of breakdown in communication.

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TMGStan420 OP t1_j6pfh16 wrote

I’m not going into the specifics with you. There were specifics that we talked about, and she agreed to do those things. Essentially it was things she could do to make me feel loved and valued in other ways. For example, when she makes herself breakfast in the morning, I’d love if she made extras for me. Acts of service are big for me. She would do them for about a week and then stop again. There was no breakdown in the communication, just a lack of care by one party.

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