Submitted by nonchellent t3_10ojt7a in relationship_advice
TL;DR: My (24F) boyfriend (32M) keeps asking me if I came/am cumming during sex and it turns me off, despite me asking previously to not do that.
Hi everybody. My boyfriend of three years and I have a great relationship. We live together, go on trips, play games together, all that. One pervasive issue in our relationship though has been an issue when we have sex. He is not the first sexual partner I’ve had by any means, so this isn’t specific to him, but I have never had a good indication of knowing (at least in the moment) if I am cumming or came during sex. It’s also been difficult for me to parse out. Since the start of our relationship, he’ll ask me a lot during sex if I am cumming or have came. I can see that the intention behind it is pure and considerate, but honestly it just really turns me off, gets me in my head and out of my body, and just really distracts and bums me out.
For the first year or so, I didn’t really mind it so much, but I did mention to him that I don’t love hearing that during sex and I can’t usually give him an answer anyway. He said he would try to not ask that. Well, I don’t know how hard he is trying, because it still happens nearly every time. Some days I can ignore it better than others, but it still bothers me. I’ve suspected that he does this because he wants to finish after me, because rarely do we ever continue being intimate (other than cuddling) after he finishes, which is somewhat reasonable ‘cause he’s tired. So it almost feels like he’s asking me if I have came so he can finish and cum, too. I feel rushed. I mean, today he literally asked me after one minute of using a toy on me and making out a little bit. He’s told me that when he masturbates, he sees it more as scratching an itch, and now I’m kind of worried that he sees sex with me in the same way. And that while he still wants to make sure I’m satisfied, he would rather it be quick than drawn out.
I’ve said all of the above stuff to him, and all he’ll really say is, “I’m sorry, I’ll really try not to ask that anymore.” But he still does, almost every time, after literally about a dozen discussions asking him not to. At this point I kind of feel broken, like I should just know when I cum so I can give him an answer. But I also don’t like the idea of him needing to finish after me. I’m not asking him to do all the work—I’ve communicated that the different (and less energy-consuming) ways he can please me can be done after his orgasm, but he doesn’t seem into it. He needs to have the final orgasm, I think.
ETA: There are too many comments to respond to, so I’m just going to say my thanks in this edit. Thank you all for advice in regards to masturbation, reading recommendations, and sharing personal stories. I don’t feel so alone now. I did just want to say that I masturbate… A lot, almost everyday, and I have a vibrator that I use then and my partner will use on me during sex as well. I still don’t know, even when by myself, whether I’ve came or not, fwiw. But it seems like maybe I’m just not going on long enough. Additionally, clitoral stimulation is actually something that’s almost overwhelming to me. I kind of don’t like it in excess. I squirm around a lot and it’s almost painful. I kind of hate touching my clit that much or having others do it. So maybe that’s my problem :(
Also, please stop commenting on the age gap, that isn’t the focus in this post and y’all don’t know anything about our relationship outside of this post.