Today I fucked up by cheating on my Fiance. I am 18m, my fiance is 23m. We've been together for a year and a half, I'm almost 19 and the legal age here is 17. I genuinely love my fiance. We do everything together. We went to Disney World together for a week even, it was the most amazing time of my life. I have never cheated on him in the past, nor would I ever do it again. Me and my fiance are not like most gays, we don't care about the struggles gays have gone through. Me and my fiance don't partake in pride month. We both feel like we are just like everyone else, which is way different then most other gay relationships. My entire life has been one thing after the next, abusive dad, mentally abusive mom, death after death. When I say death after death, I have 16 people close to me pass in 2021. My best friend overdosed a year ago the same day another, not so close but still a friend, got in a wreck and died. I've had a lot of bad, I've been jumped within the last 3 years, I've been discriminated against at work and public for my skin color. I always felt alone and useless until I met my fiance. He made everything better, I wasn't alone anymore, I had someone that I genuinely KNEW loved me , and I loved him. He grew up heavily Christian and therefore battled with really heavy depression because of his sexuality, he was still dealing with it when I started dating him. He had feelings for me but felt like someone having a relationship with him wouldn't matter, he felt like it wouldn't last because of his religion. He cheated on me around the start of our relationship. I forgave him, and with him giving me constant proof that he wasn't cheating, I got over it. Recently, like past 3 months, we have been arguing all the time. We argue over stupid things that shouldn't even be argued over. The biggest thing that boosted these arguments were that we were struggling to end the arguments, I would tell him something he could do that would really help end it and I would be trying to end it myself and he just couldn't do it for me. Recently, I've had more people die, my old bosses daughter got taken out by her bf, I couldn't go to the funeral because of work. My parents are close with my old boss so I couldn't even be there for them. The following week, one of my close friends' sibling overdosed at 16. Me and my fiance work opposite shifts, I work 8am-5pm, he works 2pm-12am, 2pm-4am on Fridays. I felt alone. I felt like my fiance just wanted to argue all the time. We would say how we missed each other when we were apart, but when we were together we'd just argue. Some random guy added me on snapchat a few days before the funeral of my friends' sibling, I have a history of adding back randoms who had me and talking to them out of boredom. It had never been anything more then friendly chatting till this time. We ended up trading nudes with each other, idk why I did it. I genuinely do think my fiance is the hottest guy i've ever seen, the most sexy, beautiful, cute. One night we were watching Superstore together and I got like 3 notifications at once and he asked who it was, I picked up my phone and he seen the notification. He obviously didn't recognize the name so asked me who it is. I was drunk at the time and just stuttered. He snatched my phone from me and that's when I knew it was over. I was saying "I'm so sorry" over and over just sitting there crying looking at him. He asked me a few questions like "why?" "how could you do this?" "do you not love me?". At some point I asked if he wanted me to leave, he said yes. I went upstairs to my office that happened to have a bed in it and screamed for what felt like forever. I messed up. The one person in my life that I truly love and felt like loved me. I had no reason to do what I did, I still don't even know why I did it. I just want to end it, I ruined the one good thing in my life that I had. I broke him and ik it and i hate it. I love this man with all of my heart and now what I had with him is gone. He'll never be able to look at me the same. He'll never be able to get over it. I don't think he should even try being with me. I'm not worth it, I'm a horrible person. I just wish I never existed so I couldn't have done this to him. I have so many plans. Our trip to Disney was a gift from him to me for my birthday, we planned to go again this year and already started paying for it. Our wedding will never happen. It's all over. My life has ended. I'm not whole. I feel useless. The only reason I'm alive is because he says that he would do it if I did and I can't have him be non-existent too. Why did I have to mess up? Why did I ruin what we had? We could've just worked through our problems. TL;DR: TIFU by cheating on my fiance