As you read by the title I realized the person I loved most cared about me after they already left. (Btw sorry if this is really messy and not comprehensive I just wanted to rant and not proofread) Our friendship/ relationship was like no other that I ever had experienced. I mean we're both young so it was all so new to us both. Our friendship/situationship type thing began in November though we had been friends since 2020. In the beginning of the friendship he made lots of mistakes that made me break my trust like lying a lot and ignoring me which caused lots of arguments between us. It's also important to understand that our friendship was only a friendship due to me being ftm (at the time) and him not being gay. But we both cared deeply for each other still. So due to this we ended up having a pretty big argument in January where I told him how I loved him and how it felt like he was leading me on knowing I had feelings for him yet telling me he liked a girl but still flirting with me and so I wanted to set boundaries. And so after that he stopped mentioning girls yet still continued to be touchy with me and flirty though I had stopped flirting back. Now knowing this I can now get into the reason I'm posting here in the first place.

It was March when we had an argument that would forever change our relationship. As you read just now, I was upset how he was acting even though it was clear I had made boundaries. Which is fair but what isn't was how I told him how I don't think he cares. Which is complete bullshit now looking back. Even though he came to me a lot with his problems it'd be stupid to say that I never did. I would at least twice a month cry to him about my problems and he would always drop everything to listen. He constantly checked up on me and would agree to do silly things with me just to make me happy. But at the time I didn't see this. I only focused on his mistakes. Another thing you have to know about him is that he is very non-confrontational. He keeps a lot to himself when it comes to being upset at someone and will just bottle it in or avoid it. Due to this, during the entire rant he just stayed silent or would reply not standing up to himself. Which made me at the time think I was in the right. After this argument or rather rant, it changed lots of things. He started being more closed off than before yet looking back you could still see he still loved and cared for me. But again, I was going through so much at the time I would only focus on the negative.

The next time that we would ever have an "argument" was April 19th. Which would be the day he left. And the day I will forever look back on and feel like absolute shit. The night before and just the whole week in general he had been acting extremely distant and barely replying/talking to me. And when he did it would be very dry. This caused me to worry tons since I have extremely bad attachment issues. So, that day I decided to confront him about it and making sure I got the truth instead of "Everything is fine." And that is indeed what I got. He told me about how he started to get annoyed by me and how I did "things I would never do." I'd like to say I was rational during that. But I wasn't. I was begging him to stay, saying things I cringe looking back at now. Trying everything, yet not realizing the mistake I made. It eventually lead to him officially saying bye and how even though he promised to stay that "I still left the other times I said it." I was absolutely distraught for the rest of the month.

Eventually I got out of the stage of just pure sadness. I got angry and misplaced my blame. Thinking about how he lied. And I would continue to be angry at him. And through the summer I forgot about it. Yet when school started up again and seeing him, it made me crumble. So, when I got home I started to reread the messages but in a different light. Reading the sweeter ones. And reading the ones that made me feel like the most important person on the planet. And that was when I realized, he did care for me. That yes, he messed up, but it's not like I didn't either. And unlike me he actually apologized. Realizing how I took him for granted. And ever since early October I've been an absolute utter mess. With my mental illnesses its quite hard to keep people arounda and due to that I'm no stranger of people leaving. And with all the people that have came and left my life, he:s my only true deep regret. I want so badly to apologize, but I know it's not my place anymore. He most likely just doesn't want me around. I feel like utter shit. I've tried moving on, I have been trying. But everything reminds me of him. He's just so important to my life. I feel like I can't give up on him. But I have to. I just feel so much guilt and pain. And people tell me to realize that and to just not make that same mistake ever again to someone else. But at this point of time it's either him or nobody. I know I'm young. So I understand that most likely I will one day get over him. Its just hard to imagine it. I miss him, and I fucked up bad. And now I don't know what to do. And my mutual friends with him say he never mentions me either, our only acknowledgement of each other is just a shared look in the hallways every day. I just had to get all this off my chest and maybe a little advice. I'm not sure.

TL;DR 6 months later after my ex friend left I finally understood why he left and that I took him for granted