TIFU by not listening to the song my husband wrote for our autistic daughter.

Submitted by backgroundmusik t3_z2511m in tifu

My husband is a singer/songwriter. Well, technically he's disabled, but music is his thing. He's very talented, but bands mostly just don't work out. Anyway, we have a 5 year old daughter who is autistic and doesn't speak much, although she has words. She's basically a tiny tornado. She's broken 4 windows (only cut once, very small), the oven, the dishwasher, both by standing on the doors, and various other things. You literally can't go to the bathroom without coming back to a scene like that one meme with dude walking into the burning room with a pizza box. Well, my beautiful wonderful talented hubby wrote a song about it.

Don't get me wrong, I've heard it before. . . 3 different iterations, but I waited on listening to the final cut. The thing is, the last time I heard it I made a mistake thinking the first track he played me was the updated version. I told him how much better it was. It was the same track. The next track was the new one. I guess I just don't have a good ear.... And aside from saying "I love it" or something else that sounds like pandering I don't know what to say. It's good, but I can't say HOW. I let the anxiety over that get to me and put off listing to it. That was a few days ago... And I still didn't listen to it.

I hurt him by not listening fast enough and now he's sad and angry at me. He thinks it's because I don't care. I've listened to it since, but it's too late. I fucked it all up.

TL;DR: I didn't hear a sweet song fast enough and now I'm in trouble

Edit:. I've killed his confidence and everything I say and do just piss him off more. I hate me

Edit: https://youtu.be/hPt63gW3-Uo

Song link if you're interested.

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nathanredacted t1_ixen6dx wrote

Maybe I missed something. What does him being disabled have to do with him being a singer/songwriter?

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Tantrumia t1_ixetfgw wrote

It's such a personal experience that any advice will be just a shot in the dark but I'll try.

If you want to fix it, I guess you might have to wait it out. Just find the time he's comfortable and not occupied with music and only then try to explain your, I beg your pardon, inattentiveness to his music.

Even if you don't fully discern the details of his music, ask him to tell you about it, ask about the instruments, melodies, specific lyrics, the song structure, inspiration, the creative process, all those details non-musicians often don't care too much, but for a musician are of utmost importance. You will see the fire in his eyes when he starts telling you about it.

General words of praise, like "It's a beautiful song" are OK, but we all have heard they so many times, they make not much impression. Musicians love to be asked about their creations, so do find some time to talk to him.

Also, I wouldn't blame you for what happened. Discussing art is not a simple thing if you're not into it. And in your case it could well have been an inadvertent "failure to communicate."

Edit: spelling

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backgroundmusik OP t1_ixevmpn wrote

Failure to communicate plus ADD and anxiety does not go well

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Tantrumia t1_ixfnsbe wrote

Well, it looks like there's more to your story than what you wrote. You might want to consult a professional to help you all out.

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DeaconKnight t1_ixezaxy wrote

We artistic types can be very sensitive at times 😉 Give him time, he will be ok. He's hurt, but not as deeply as you think. Just be genuine about your thoughts and feelings about it all.

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alwayssoupy t1_ixff2s9 wrote

I can relate to your situation, without the autistic daughter part. My husband is also a musician, not his daily profession, and I'm often the only one who hears his work. For the most part, he plays his guitar and sings (things he has written) in the living room while I do other things like reading or knitting. As he is always tweaking his latest songs, what he plays can be rather repetitive, especially if he is having some trouble with lyrics, and I have a tendency to tune out after a while. I do genuinely like most of his songs, but when he puts me on the spot to tell him how I feel about a certain one, I sometimes struggle to be complimentary enough. Plus it seems like there is never a final version. And then he will say something later like "oh yeah, I forgot you don't like this song," even if that's not the case, because I wasn't enthusiastic enough about it before. I have been making a bigger effort lately by saying things like "I have always liked this song" or pointing out a passage that means something extra or that I noticed he changed. I also remind him that I like some of his older music that I haven't heard in a while. Sometimes he just needs to be reassured that I am listening. I do recall getting pretty misty about one song that was more personal when listening to a recording on headphones. That meant a lot to him.

If your husband has written something so personal as a special song about your daughter, I think that requires extra attention from you. But make sure he understands that you need a quiet time to take it all in and can give it your full attention, not when there is a lot going on at once. Maybe ask to read the lyrics so you can be more involved, and use them as conversation points -surely you can find some common ideas there if it's about your daughter. Point out parts you like, and keep anything negative to yourself, or that may be the only part he hears.

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backgroundmusik OP t1_ixg49sl wrote

I always say nice things but I feel like he thinks I'm "just saying that".

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A_Total_Retard_007 t1_ixgoahw wrote

It’s more based off of miscommunication i’d say! Don’t at all think you are an asshole or anything! Just wait it out, try to forget this! It’ll probably work

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