mrlazyboy t1_j16yfxd wrote on December 22, 2022 at 2:55 AM

Reply to comment by Thepinkknitter in TIFU by changing all of my daughter's contacts in her phone by GreenEggPage

You mean kids haven’t been trying to find ways around their parents for the past 100,000 years?

za419 t1_j174o6k wrote on December 22, 2022 at 3:46 AM

Parents probably should be encouraging their kids to feel comfortable telling their parents about their lives - secrets, even, things they don't want everyone to know, because they need advice on something.

Training kids to feel that they can't let any shred of information sit within their parents reach because their parents are boundary-stomping dickwads who think that anything to do with their children is their business and theirs alone, is the exact opposite of that.

Don't prioritize raising children that are obedient and trick you into thinking they do as they're told over raising children to be functional adults. That's the point, isn't it?

lecretnao t1_j17ibz3 wrote on December 22, 2022 at 5:57 AM

Truth is that this is the first few generations raising their kids with internet technology. There’s a lot of shit out there that you guys shouldn’t be seeing as frequently as you are or as young. There are endless issues caused by the things kids watch and see.

Im 25 and got to see smart phones become popular in real time. I was 15 when I got my first smartphone, and at that time it was expected that your parent would check it. I was pissed, but the older I get, the easier it is to see why they did.

Teenagers are notoriously too young and stupid to see the obvious. They don’t comprehend the damage they’re doing to themselves. I will be monitoring my child’s internet use/phones, especially when they’re 14 and under, and that’s coming from someone who “hated my parents” for doing it.

mrlazyboy t1_j18g3ll wrote on December 22, 2022 at 1:03 PM

Independent of how parents raise their children, most kids are going to try and get around their parents wishes. If you don’t believe that, I’d argue you’ve never met a child

za419 t1_j19dpin wrote on December 22, 2022 at 5:09 PM

That's absolutely true, and that's why it's pointless to try to track everything they do. It gives the kid attacker's advantage - You have to stop them from getting through in a thousand ways, they only have to catch you not defending the castle once.

Which leads us to the question of goals. Why is it that this is a war? We already know we're going to lose, so all we achieve is blundering mutual trust.

Is the goal to slow them down from getting to see what they will manage to see anyway? Because by banning it, they'll be very interested in why it's banned, and you may well get it seen even earlier by providing that incentive.

I think the goal should be raising the child to be a well-adjusted, successful adult. Unless things go very wrong, they'll spend most of their lives as adults anyway.

And to that end, I'd argue a foundation of mutual trust, based on a parent and child being willing to approach each other and trust each other with their problems, even the ones that are embarrassing or difficult to talk about.

And therefore, I'd rather teach them how to be responsible and help them learn how to navigate an internet-connected life, than to try to box them up and present myself as an obstacle to get around. Because I believe that will provide a better foundation for a parent-child relationship, and for the development of a child into a person who will outlast me.

cdm014 t1_j19xlit wrote on December 22, 2022 at 7:17 PM

The foundation of trust that she will act safely and responsibly comes from first observing her acting safely and responsibly in a controlled setting

za419 t1_j1b47ov wrote on December 23, 2022 at 12:11 AM

Your trust in her, perhaps. You should trust her anyway though - She's your daughter, you probably know her better than anyone and frankly if she's already untrustworthy by the time she's on the internet then you've either majorly screwed her up or you're being awfully bad about not letting her use a computer.

The more important trust, that you need to establish with her during the adolescent years where she's figuring out how the world works and where she fits in it, is her trust in you. That's not something that exists just because of DNA, contrary to many subpar parents expectations - It exists because you show her that she can trust you.

And again - trust is a two way street. The first step to her trusting you is you trusting her.