ok so this is just a throwaway account since this is kind of embarrassing but i have to say it somewhere. warning it's painful

was having dinner a couple nights ago as most people do. had some good schnitzel with mash and peas. the peas were where everything went wrong.... so for a bit of backstory I was busy and couldn't cook myself so the family was cooking that night. everything turned out great and we had a great meal. unfortunately one specific family member, we'll just call her Bunko, was in charge of the veg. now Bunko has a track record for being horrible but I feel like this is one of her more evil acts. she decided as she was cooking the peas to dump in copious amounts of BICARBONATE OF SODA!! do I know why she does this? no, no I do not. but idk if you've ever eaten peas that have been cooked with truckloads of the stuff, so let me tell you, it doesn't end well. or painlessly.

cut forward to this morning I'm laying in bed asleep before being woken up by the most violent of cramps in my lower abdomen. I'm talking that bad I almost checked to make sure I hadn't been sliced open in my sleep. I decided I couldn't lay there and endure the pain so while clutching my gut like a wounded soldier I made my way to the bathroom and got to the toilet as soon as possible before the alien like beast erupted from my body like in the movies.

this is where it all kept going downhill....and got gross.......

as soon as my ass made contact with the toilet seat, a volcano the exact size and shape of my lower body erupted with the most violent, burning ass-lava humanity could ever begin to perceive. at some point I was sure there was a mini war going on back there from the sounds of almost gunshots ringing through the house. all I could do was hold on and pray for salvation that for all I knew would never come.

even as I'm typing this I haven't moved. I'm not sure I can. it's like I'm paralysed from the waist down. will I ever see my family again? am I stuck here? is this my life now? I was gonna go for a walk today but I don't think I can stand anymore....

message of the day: don't eat peas if a shitty family member cooks them. and if you do? good luck

TL;DR ate bicarbonate of soda peas and became the sole inhabitant of the most painful ass-lava eruption known to man