Submitted by DeaconKnight t3_zcoj0x in tifu
Obligatory this didn't happen today, but was actually a few years ago... but I'm sure you people of reddit will still be able to enjoy my pain.
So, as the title suggests, I like spicy things. I have a large collection of hot sauce at home, I have tried most of the world's super hot peppers and I've won numerous hot wing challenges. Usually I'm fine, but as I've aged occasionally I find that my stomach suffers. Nothing too extreme, but a lot of noise and sometimes a bit of ring of fire.
Cut to the day of this specific incident. I live I a medium sized city in Canada. My brother in law used to live in another city about 140 km/90 miles away... so for context (and this becomes important) about an hour and a half by car. This day in particular, we went to visit so we could drive him back to our house for the weekend.
Now, we did this pretty often. Usually when we do, we find a restaurant to grab a bite to eat before we head home. The last few times we went, we found a small pub that specialized in Buffalo wings. At the back of the menu they advertised a hot wing challenge where if you finished their hottest wings, you eat free. Without an ounce of hesitation, I ordered the challenge wings. The waitress asked, "Are you sure?" to which I replied, "I like hot foods, and I can't turn down an opportunity to eat free wings!" She laughed and got my wings. They were hot, but I had definitely eaten hotter. And so, I got my free wings. Paid for my girlfriends meal and my beer and went on my way.
In the coming months, I did this twice more. Each time, the waitress would ask "Are you sure?" Each time I would say yes. Each time I got free wings. It was wonderful.
Cut to this last time... we go to our favorite wing place. We waltz in with an air of familiarity and seat ourselves. The waitress, whom I later find out is the owner, comes to take our order. My girlfriend, daughters and brother in law all order and the waitress turns to me and asks what I'll be having. I say, "I'd like to do the hot wing challenge please!" The waitress once again asks, "Are you sure?"
This is where I fucked up. I stupidly told her, "Oh yeah! I've done this lots!" Dear reader... when you tell the owner of an establishment that you've already eaten a free meal at their place and now you're just there to fleece them out of another order of wings, they do NOT take it well. Our previously friendly waitress turns to me and coldly says, "Oh have you? Then this should be easy for you." It was not.
My wings came and everyone's eyes went wide and they leaned away from my meal. Instantly, everyone's eyes water and the waitress/owner grins a big, toothy, mirthless grin. She says, "Enjoy!" and walked away.
I cannot convey to you in mere words the pain I suffered eating these wings. I took my first bite and it was searing doom. An explosion of nuclear fire blanketed my palate, not unlike what I'm sure the people at Pompeii would have experienced during the eruption of Mount Vesuvius. My body began shivering and sweating. A river of snot and tears ran from my face. Twice I went to the washroom to cry to myself and question my life choices. Though no one expected me to finish...I endured.
When it was finally over, everyone was silent. We paid without a word, and left. In the car, my girlfriend turned to me and tentatively asked, "Are you OK?" When I just nodded in the affirmative, she asked "Are you sure?" I just looked at her, expressionless. We began our drive home.
Again, I would like to reiterate that generally I don't experience much in the way of after effects from spicy foods. This was different though. I could feel the burn in my esophagus still, right down to my stomach. And my stomach was getting worse. I was getting bloated and uncomfortable. About a half hour into this hour and a half drive is becoming increasingly uncomfortable to the point where I'm shifting uncomfortably in the driver's seat. My girlfriend again asks if I'm OK. I tell her, "Something is off." She suggested stopping to use the bathroom, which I declined...I wasn't sure what was going to happen, and I felt like it had best be at home when it did instead of some filthy gas station restroom.
An hour into the drive and this discomfort is full on pain. Bad pain. I step on the gas, blowing well past the speed limit. I didn't care...I just needed to get home. My stomach had decided that it was no longer going to house these abominations and one way or the other, they were coming out.
When we finally got there, I put the car in park and ran to the front door. I fumbled with my keys while everyone else got out of the car. The door finally opened and I vaulted up the stairs four at a time while simultaneously undoing my pants. It was a race to the toilet- and I was losing. Just as I got to the bathroom it happened. I got the door mostly closed before a violent spray erupted from my asshole, painting the back of the door and the floor. To minimize the splash zone, I made an executive decision... the bathtub instead of the toilet.
I launched myself into the tub, and started doing my best to get my clothes off. All the while, I'm violently shitting and throwing up all over myself. My girlfriend, god love her, came upstairs and, with a look of absolute disgust at my vile bodily expulsions, took my dirty clothes away and cleaned the door, walls and floor.
She came back upstairs after starting the laundry and turned the shower on to my battered, burning body. I was cowering in the fetal position as the warm water hit me, still amazed at the lashback a pound of spicy Buffalo wings was able to put forth. She asked me in a sweet voice if I had learned my lesson. I feebly replied, "Yes." I lied.
TLDR; I thought I could handle some hot wings, only to have the chef create something insanely hotter than expected and ended up destroying my bathroom.
Addendum post edit: The place was called "Tammy's Queen of Wings" in North Bay... and it was 100% my own fault. My ego got the best of me. They do make you sign a small waiver, and it's just the wings and any non-alcoholic beverages the wing eater orders that come free. Everyone else's food has to be paid for.
Second addendum: Whoa... this got a lot of traction! A few more answers, for those who are curious. The restaurant in question is closed permanently... which sucks, because spicy or not the wings were pretty good. I didn't suffer any long term ill effects, and I don't have an ulcer (thank God!). We're in no rush to get married, but still kinda like each other's faces.
... And lastly, this was NOT the last time it happened 😉