Submitted by UTX_Shadow t3_zhy0hm in tifu
This was actually last December but I’m always told this is a hilarious story so I thought I’d share.
Last September my ex wife and I filed for divorce. We were separated. One of my best friends says I should try dating. She’s never led me astray so I say fuck it, why not. First girl I match with on Hinge seems nice. We talk for a few days since I’m on a business trip and plan to go out when I get back. She’s a therapist. Works with neurodivergent kids. We chat a bit. Alls good.
We go on our first date after work on a Tuesday. I pick her up at her place. Go to my favorite pizza joint in her area. Starts a bit awkward as first dates do. She then tells me, “I [the girl] can’t wait to tell you I’m pregnant.” Okay. Weird. Maybe the nerves. Understand we had no booze at this point. I think she’s just nervous. Great.
A few minutes later she’s telling me about her parents who live near the Wisconsin/Minnesota boarder, and we are in the Chicagoland area. These parents show up… and sit down with us. YET, THEY LIVED IN THE GREAT WHITE NORTH. So I’m against the wall of the booth with her dad sitting next to me. She’s across from me. Her mom next to her. Shit. Okay. Guess I’m paying for their meal too. Double date. Great.
Mom and Dad tell me they’ve heard a lot about me yada yada (how much could they know?) they talk about what it’s like working for a vocational school. So I start freaking out as I’ve only said I’m a school admin, nothing more, not where I work. I say it’s great, but I’m looking to go back to the middle school or elementary next year.
Dad says he can’t wait to have a son in law like me. Mom says she can’t wait to have me marry into the family. Awkward. They were drinking. So I give them a pass.
Awkward evening continues. Yada yada get to know you shit. We start leaving and I picked up this chick, so I’ve gotta drop her off; Grandma raised a gentleman, you know? Figured I’d do that and dip. Nope. We get back, parents park next to me. Fuck. Invite me up. Mom said she baked a great pumpkin pie earlier today.
Well shit. I love me some pumpkin pie. Decide fuck it, might as well get something out of this night. Had some pie. Truthfully, some of the best pumpkin pie I’ve ever had. I try to leave and they weren’t really letting me by giving me more pie or starting a new conversation topic. Best friend (one who told me to start dating) calls. Asks what’s up. Took the call in the bathroom and she comes up with this plan: I’m going to go pick up my friend “Eddie” (because she thought I shouldn’t use a girls name) with his flat tire. Great. I got an out.
She says she needs to walk her dog (annoying shit. Yapping dog. Rubbing his ass on everything and dragging his ass across the floor. Very poorly trained). Fuck. Fine. Come with and walk me down. Mom comes to. I’m standing there trying to leave as chick takes her dog for a shit. Mom says it’s nice to meet me yada yada. And says “I’m so glad [daughter] found you. I didn’t think she’d be able to settle down since we’ve had her committed three times.” And walks away. Wtf. Bomb dropped.
I’m panicking now, sweating a bit. I turn to get in my car and chick is right there. Hugs me. Tries to kiss me. Yada yada. Tells me “I love you, and can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.”
Me: great… gotta go. You know… friend needs help.
I get in the car, this chick is in my rear mirror and she’s calling me. I pick up and she said “you didn’t say you love me!”
Best friend calls, “oops. Hang on important call” and picks up. Tells my buddy this. she’s laughing her ass off. I’m scared shitless at this point thinking headlights in my rear view mirror are her. So I start speeding for the highway.
Im speeding away. Get pulled over. Cop asks why. I tell him EVERYTHING. Takes a good 5-6 min to get him to understand. He noticed I have Wisconsin plates. All he says is “Bro…and gives me great advice: never put your dick in crazy.” Thanks brochacho. Cop feels sorry for me and escorts me to the highway. Great. Freedom.
Chick texts me. I try to ghost her. Now, I left out an important detail. I went on a school night, wearing spirit wear with my school logo; once you know the name it’s hard not to find as I’m the only type of school like this in my county. I go to my boss the next day and tell him. Says I’m a fucking idiot for wearing my work shirt. Laughs his ass off about the whole situation. Asks if I blocked her. Shit. That’s a good idea. So I do it. Tells me I’m a fucking idiot again for not thinking this through.
She figured out where I worked. And starts calling my desk. Asking when we are going out. Leaves a message says she wants to be engaged by the time she’s 30 (which was weeks away, literally the next month, since we went over birthdays). At this point I’m freaking out. I have an SRO (school resource officer) in my building. I tell him what happened. Gave her name. He told me he’d take care of it if she came by. But also told me to move my car to the back (gated and can’t see, dudes a saint and it was a great idea).
Chick shows up asking to see me. Security tells her I don’t work here. She gets snotty with the SRO. Gets escorted out. Calls my desk phone pleading with me to give her a chance. Finds my sister. My best friend all on Facebook. Tells them we are soulmates. I tell them to block her ass.
Chick was crazy. Got her to calm the ef out when I told her I’m going to report her for harassment to her licensing board (all bullshit, no idea if that would do anything). And that kids, is the story of how I met your mother.
Kidding. But damn was I scared of dating for a bit.
TLDR: went on a date with a therapist. Almost ended up married again.