Her name is Carly. She's a witch who has fallen hopelessly in love with a dark elf. The elf was arrested last night on false charges of murder. Carly knows the truth because he was with her when the murder happened.

She is, clearly, a psychopath. Especially without knowing why she hates him so much, she seems clearly unhinged.

Four hundred and twenty three years. It's been four hundred and twenty three FUCKING YEARS. I'm calm. I'm fine. Everything is fine. I look down the barrel and see him.

"Give me one good reason not to pull the trigger right now, Sam," I say to the asshole at the other end of my gun. "Just one goddamn good reason."

"Fucking do it," he snaps back. "It's not like it will do anything. We're fucking cursed."

I pull the trigger and send the bullet between his stupid eyes. He slumps forward and his forehead bounces off the gun before falling to the floor. I knew he was right, but it always made me feel better to kill him anyways. Ever since he'd drunk that fucking Draught of the Undying. It was supposed to be Death's Draught. Simple. Kill him. Instead it bound his undying soul to the closest being to him. And that was me. Freshly after drinking an immortality potion. Fuck my unending life.

"At least you were quick that time," Sam says as he gets up and brushes himself off. The wound between his brows had already healed. He wiped the blood off of his face with a rag from a nearby table. "Now, you know why I'm here and I can't leave without it."

"Well, it sounds like we'll be here for awhile then. I'm not giving it to you."

"Carly, just be a reasonable fucking person for once in your life. That's it. Just once. I'm not asking you to change who you are. Just to be a reasonable person one time."

"Anything you call reasonable is obviously lunacy. Don't make me kill you again. Leave."

We were standing in one of my stores downtown. Being an immortal, you collect quite a lot of wealth over time. As it stands, I have seventeen stores in downtown alone. How he found me here was a mystery. And he wants what is in my pocket. And he isn't getting it.

"You know, if I ever told people what you do to me, you could go to jail for a long time," he says. It was an empty threat. I own the courts. This is my city. He just fucking lives here.

"Maybe in prison I'd never have to see your fucking face again," I spit as I crossed the store to open the door. "Now, leave."

"Just give me the Clover, Carly." I cringe a little at the sound of my name coming out of his mouth.

"Stop saying my name," I snap. "And you're not getting the fucking Clover. Eat my fucking ass and get out!" He lunges for me and tackles me to the ground. I grapple out and snap his arm. "I have seven different blackbelts, Sam. Stop being so fucking stupid." I stand up and kick him in the broken arm and hear him gasp in pain. Good.

Sure enough, though, the arm heals itself and he stands back up and jumps up before putting his hands up for a fight. Great. He swings at me and I catch his wrist and snap his arm again. I hit him in the gut with my elbow before taking him over my back and slamming him to the ground. I stomp on his head and twist the arm, ripping it out of the socket in the process. He hollered in pain. How does someone live for over four hundred years and not take any self-defense classes? This is just sad. I follow him to the floor and snap his neck. It will only buy me a minute of silence, but I'm going to take what I can get. I sit on the floor and try to find my center.

Sooner than expected, his bones mend and he jumps back up like a fucking kangaroo.

"Okay, that one wasn't as fast as the gun. That actually hurt. A lot."

"Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!" I yell. He knows he's not getting the Clover. Ever again. I don't know why he insists on trying me.

"Carly, just give me the Clover. You can take it back whenever you want. I just need it for like, thirty minutes. Long enough to buy a lottery ticket and win. That's it. You've been holding onto it for over a century now! Stop being such a selfish cunt and share the fucking thing!"

I stand up and look at him. How fucking dare he. I kick him in the side of the head and catch his head as he's falling to the ground. I step over him so I'm standing over his kneeling body with his head in the crook of one of my arms.

"Call me a cunt again. I fucking dare you."

"Cunt," he spits out as I choke the life out of him. I snap his neck again and drop him down. I grab his leg and begin dragging him outside of the shop. I drag him out into the middle of the street in the hope that someone will run him over. I turn around, walk into my shop, and lock the door. Every day I have to see him is another day that I need burnt from my memory. Today was no different.

I pick up my phone and call the police.

"9-1-1, what is your emergency?"

"Hi, this is Carly Rae. I'm inside of my shop, Ascension, on the corner of Fourth and Main and some maniac is trying to beat my door down. Can someone come take care of him?"

"Yes ma'am, Ms. Rae. We'll have someone to you in just a moment."

Another night in jail would do Sam some good. And it would keep him away from me for just a little longer. Just one night.

"Carly, let me the fuck in!"

Just one fucking night.

Imagine the most divine steak you've ever tasted. The meat melting in your mouth as you bite into it. The juices eking out onto the plate as you cut into the succulent sirloin. Live in that moment. Let it seep into your bones.

Now wake the fuck up and realize you can't afford that shit anymore with a family.

For those moments when you're forced to settle, we hope you'll choose Golden Corral. We don't try our hardest, and we don't do our best, but you'll take it anyways because it's better than McDonald's for the fourth fucking time this week.

Peak Itachi Uchiha vs. pre-Namek Krillin. Krillin knows not to look in Itachi's eyes but that's the only prep either of them has.

"Fuck!" I yell as my eyes open again to the same goddamn song on the goddamn alarm radio in this goddamn hotel. I get up and pick up the alarm and just start smashing it against the nightstand. Fucking piece of shit. This trickster was something else. Just be a worse person he said. How much worse could I be!? I killed seventeen people yesterday. With a fucking fork. I don't think I can get much worse than that.

It was day three hundred and twelve. Three hundred and fucking twelve. And here I was again. Maybe I was going about this the wrong way. Maybe I was thinking too big. I needed to think small. Pushing old ladies off curbs? No, there's no way that was worse than murder. I had to think bigger. Much bigger.

What's bigger than stabbing seventeen people to death with a fork? Other than stabbing eighteen people to death with a fork. Sure, I knew how this day played out intimately, but that didn't give me a superpower. I didn't have the ability to drop a nuke on a city just because I'd lived the same day so many times. But maybe...

I got dressed and slipped my shoes on. I had given up on getting dressed somewhere in the hundreds, but it just made me more conspicuous. It made getting away with any misdeeds considerably harder. No, I had to get dressed in the same fucking outfit every day. Because why not. I wished I had brought more than one outfit here almost a year ago when I had first checked in. But I was only supposed to be here for a night. Why would I have brought a wardrobe? Same jeans and button-up I had worn every day since I got here.

I stepped out onto the sidewalk, and my phone went off. It was just the alarm for my business meeting. I wasn't going to that. I hadn't gone to that since the third day. I had hoped maybe that's what the trickster meant. I couldn't have been any further off. I didn't even remember what the meeting was about. Just that that's why I was in this fucking city. I stepped to the right as I avoided a falling air conditioning unit. It crashed to the ground. It had killed me the first day and somewhere in the two hundred range. I had forgotten to get out of the way. I wish the trickster had just let me die.

Instead, he gave me a new lease on life. Said all I had to do was be as bad as I possibly could. Whatever that meant. I had a line I wasn't willing to cross. That line was becoming noticeably fainter as the days ticked by. I had figured out where to get a bomb around day one hundred and fifty. I was going to go that route today. It wasn't a large bomb. It could take out a building. That was the mission today.

I turned down the right streets until I was in a seedy alley. The kind of place that just reeked of sexual assault and murder. It was also where a delivery man was waiting for someone to pick up a bomb. The bomb was originally intended to take out the football stadium during a game later today. Turns out, that wasn't evil enough. Even after I killed the original bomber and planted the bomb myself. Nothing. I walked up to the man standing outside of the white van.

"You the guy?" he asked as he looked behind me to ensure there was nobody else around.

"Yeah, I'm the fucking guy. Who else would I be? Get out of here. I'll take it from here. The rest of the payment will hit your account tonight."

I had staked out the meeting with him and the actual guy on an earlier day. I knew how it went. Though the actual bomber was going to show up in about ten minutes and be pissed. That wasn't my problem. I climbed into the van and turned the keys. In the back was a large contraption that I couldn't even hope to understand. All I knew was there was a button on it. When I pushed that button, I had about two minutes to get the fuck out.

I pulled my phone out and looked up two words. Children's Hospital. There was one hit downtown. It was the largest children's hospital in the country. I knew it well. My company donated millions to it a year. It had about a thousand beds in it and was usually filled to capacity. I drove down to the place. It wasn't very far away.

I drove around the building until I saw the delivery bay. It tucked up underneath the hospital a little. I turned in and pulled up as far as I could. I grabbed the gun that had been deposited in the glove box and got out. Hopefully, I wouldn't need it, but who gave a fuck at this point. I opened the back of the van and pressed the big yellow button, and the timer started. There wasn't an actual timer. I had just guesstimated it was about two minutes from the last time I'd used the bomb. For some reason, there was a red button on the bomb that turned it off. Couldn't have that. So, I sat down on the back of the open van and put the gun down beside me. Time to wait.

"Hey, you can't park there!" a voice came from around the van. "This is for deliveries only!" I swung my feet off the van and hit the ground. I grabbed the gun and stepped around. I tucked the gun behind my back. I wasn't a very good shot.

"What'd you say? I couldn't hear you from way over there." The man stepped closer and as he did, I pulled the gun out and shot him a few times in the chest. I looked up at the security camera, waved, and then walked back to the back of the van again. Should be any second now. Any second to sweet release. I heard the click from the mechanism in the bomb. There it was. I heard the explosion a second before it enveloped me.

The next thing I knew, that goddamn song was playing again. I opened my eyes. "Fuck!"

What the fuck? I looked at my wrist, and sure enough, there were braided cables beneath the skin where veins should have been. Without thinking, I sliced the rest of my forearm open. The entire thing was made of wires and cabling wrapped over a metal frame. I felt extreme pain in my forearm from the cut, but why? There was no blood. There was no muscle. There was just... circuitry.

"Mom, dad, what is this?" I demanded. The other guests at the party had all recoiled when they had seen what was going on. I had certainly bled before. Hadn't I? My parents had insisted that I not play any sports, but that was just for my safety. I never played outside much. Now that I thought about it, I'd never had so much as a fucking nosebleed. What was I?

"Son, calm down," my dad calmly said. "Everyone, please leave. We need to have a conversation with our son. Alone."

Everyone filed out hurriedly from the room. My dad went to the window by the front door and waited until everyone had gotten in their car and left. He meandered back into the kitchen and sighed with a furrowed brow. My mom had moved toward me and was stroking my hair with a few tears falling down her face.

"We didn't want you to figure it out this way, sweetheart," she said. "We were going to tell you tomorrow on your eighteenth birthday."

"Tell me what?" I asked. I wanted to put distance between us. I wanted to go to the hospital for the searing pain in my arm. But what would they do? Send me to fucking Best Buy to talk to the Geek Squad? In shock, I just rested my head on her shoulder and sat there.

"Well, son," my dad started from across the table. "When you were born, your body was... broken. You weren't born prematurely, but your body hadn't grown to the point it needed to. Your arms weren't fully formed, your legs hadn't grown beyond the knees, and your heart was missing a valve. For all intents and purposes, you should have been dead. And yet, there you were. Our miracle child. But you didn't have long. The doctors gave you hours before you died. We were heartbroken. We didn't know what to do.

"But then someone came in," he continued. "Someone in a suit with a clipboard. He told us he could save you. All we had to do was sign the papers and agree to some monitoring throughout your life. We were desperate. We didn't ask any questions. We just signed the papers."

"And? What happened to me?" I demanded. "What did they do to me?"

"They transferred your brain to a cybernetic body. It was made from some metal that grew organically and nanobots that would handle the wiring that replaced your nervous system. You essentially became the world's first cyborg."

On this revelation, I finally pushed away from my mother. That wasn't possible. I had skin. I had hair. I felt pain. I was a person. I was a human. Wasn't I? The pain in my forearm was starting to fade. I looked down, and it was stitching itself up as if it had never been there. There wasn't even a scar. Holy shit.

"I'm not even a fucking person!?" I cried. "But I have a girlfriend. I love Maisie. I fucked Maisie. I'm a person. I have to be."

"You are a person, sweetheart," my mom urged. "You have everything that makes a person. You have feelings, emotions, a consciousness. You're as much a person as anyone else. I've studied it extensively. You are as much a person as I am."

"I'm just not fucking human," I said as I made the realization myself. I was a robot. I was just a simulated body. Everything about me was fake. My muscles. My fat. My bones. My dick. Holy shit. I needed to sit down. The world felt woozy. Fuck. Everything always felt so real. How was that simulated? Or did it feel real? What was real? How did I know what it was supposed to feel like?

"Son, we did what we had to. You were going to die," my dad said. I wasn't mad that they did it. I was mad that they hid it.

"You could have told me! You could have told me the truth about why you didn't want me to play sports. Or why you didn't want me dating. Or why I wasn't allowed to ride a fucking bike when I was a kid."

"It was part of the agreement. We couldn't tell you until you were eighteen. The government wasn't sure how your body would react to your brain overloading like that. It seems to be handling it fine, for what it's worth."

"Don't do that. Don't make this out like it's a good thing. You've lied to me my entire life. Everything about me is fake. I'm manufactured. Like a McDonald's toy. Fuck you guys. Fuck both of you for doing this to me. You should have fucking told me."

"Regardless of what you think of this decision, you are my son, and you will not talk to me like that."

"Or what? You've already taken everything that makes me human. Are you going to kill me? Fucking take a magnet to my heart or something?"

"We would never hurt you, sweetheart," my mom said as tears streamed down her face. "I'm sorry. We didn't have a choice."

"I'm going out." I grabbed the keys off the countertop and headed toward the door. "When I get back, we'll talk more. But I need to go cool off. This is fucking bullshit."

​

--------------------

Let me know what you think, good or bad. Any feedback is appreciated. <3

Thank you!

Thank you! No clue who ApocalypseOwl is, but I’ll assume he’s good enough that you know the name.

"Now, Noxie. I know what you're thinking, okay? I think we just need to calm down here," Braintrust urged.

"You know what I'm thinking, do you?" I asked in an irritated tone. "You know what the fuck I'm thinking!? YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO LOSE A SON!?"

"I never said that, Noxie."

"It's fucking Noxus. Don't act like we're friends just because I've spared you and your ilk for all these years."

"Noxie - Noxus. Look. I know you're going through a lot right now. But they're just kids. They don't know any better. They saw a villain, and they attacked. It's what they were trained to do. You can't blame them for that. Your son knew the risks when he took up the mantle."

"DON'T SPEAK TO ME OF MY SON!" I exploded. "He was a good boy. He never hurt anyone. He did a couple of low-level bank robberies. His power was the ability to walk through walls. That was it. He wasn't dangerous. He wasn't like the other villains in our ranks. He was just a sweet boy that was made for robberies. And they killed him like a dog. Not because they had to but because they could."

"And I will make sure they are punished within the League of Superheroes. They will face full disciplinary action and likely be stripped of their status." I stole the breath from his lungs so he couldn't say another word. He gasped for air, but none would come. Not until I released him. He collapsed to the ground, gasping.

"You think that your fucking disciplinary action will make up for the death of my son? What am I to say to his mother? Don't worry, darling, they got a good finger wagging. There's already been news stories about the fucking heroes and how valiantly they acted. Top of their class, the new generation of heroes. Their first act as professional heroes after school. Bringing down the dreaded Phase Walker. Who has never harmed a fucking soul in his entire goddamn life! No, I will take my revenge on this team. And you will not raise a finger to stop me, or I will kill you, too."

I returned the oxygen to the air around him and let him breathe again. He gasped for air as if he had been held underwater for minutes. He breathed heavily and hard.

"Noxie. Please. They're kids."

"They were kids. Before they killed my son, they were kids. Now they are monsters that need to be put down."

He sighed, but he knew there was nothing he could do to stop me. He was only my nemesis because his pathetic league had assigned him to be so. There was no hero in the world that could stop me. I was going to show them why Noxus was a name to be feared.

I stalked down the stairs of my hideout, and Braintrust followed. "Get out," I said as we came to the first exit. "And if I find that you stand in my way on this, Braintrust, I will kill you without remorse. It will be slow, and it will be painful." He left without a word.

I continued down to the basement that also functioned as the garage to my tower. I got on my motorbike and started up the engine. It roared to life. I was already in my outfit. I was meant to look like a vulture. Not that it mattered. I wasn't trying to hide anything anymore. This was revenge. And I wanted everyone to know it.

I opened the garage door with the remote built into my suit and revved the engine. As soon as the door was open enough, I sped out. I kept my head low and swerved through the streets. I passed Braintrust, who was walking solemnly down the road. He wasn't on the phone. It appeared as though he had given up the foolish notion of standing in my way. That was good. I had known him for twenty years. I had no desire to extinguish his light.

Before long, I made it to city hall. In front of the building was a giant set of stairs. Upon those stairs was the team of superheroes that had killed my son. They were basking in the glory of reporters and camera flashes. Asking them questions, getting their insights on their conquest. When I pulled up, everyone turned to see me. The reporters flocked to me immediately.

"Noxus, what is it like losing your son?" one asked.

"Noxus, will you be releasing a statement of apology for your son's actions?" another queried.

"Noxus, what do you have to say about the prank you pulled on Instruct-a-Girl last week?" a final one asked.

I lifted them all off the ground with a gust of air and flung them to the side. Cameramen included. They went tumbling down the stairs, and I'm pretty sure I heard a crack. I wondered if it was a bone or a camera. I didn't much care either way. The heroes on the stairs turned their attention to me from the few cameras that had lingered behind.

"Noxus! Have you come to apologize for your son's actions?" the leader, Thunderboy, asked.

"You believe that I have come here to apologize to you, young one? You know me as the benevolent trickster. A villain in name only. Someone who plays light-hearted pranks on your beloved idols. Have you ever done any research on me, Thunderboy?"

"No, Noxus, I don't believe I have. I've never seen a reason to. You're a washed-up villain that is categorized as no-risk in our bingo books. Why should I do any research on you, of all people?"

"I know that you graduated top of your class, but your records are sealed," another of the team, Azure, said.

"Good. Then you know I am not one to be trifled with. Do you want to know why they sealed my records?" I seized the air from all of their lungs at once and replaced it with carbon monoxide. "It was because I agreed to never harm a hero. Only to use my powers to play games."

The entire team collapsed and began choking, but their bodies didn't have the air to do so. They were convulsing within seconds. I returned the air to them long enough for them to catch their breath.

"And I am not one to be underestimated, Thunderboy. Are you grasping that now?" I stole the air and replaced it once more. Again their bodies began to convulse. After a few seconds, I returned the air to them once more.

"I am going to enjoy this. You will regret killing my son. You will regret ever looking at him. And once that regret sets in, the fear of your own mortality will soon follow. And as that fear envelopes you, I want you to know this was avoidable. And I want every hero to know that this is the fate that awaits you if you ever bring my son's name up again. I am no longer the fun-loving prankster of old. I am Noxus, the god of air. And I will do everything in my power to make sure that my son's name is not dragged through the mud any longer."

I stole the air from their lungs once more and watched their bodies convulse upon the stairs. Some of them began falling down the stairs. I used gusts to keep them all on the same level. It made torturing them easier. One by one, their bodies ceased convulsing. Until only one remained. I returned the oxygen to Thunderboy's lungs and used a gust to lift him off the ground. He was gasping for air, holding onto hope that I would allow him to live. It was not a hope I would allow him to hold for long.

"Cameraman. Zoom in on his eyes. Let everyone know the fear that this young man contains within his soul. Thunderboy, you killed my son today. And for that, your life is forfeit. I hope that you meet him in the afterlife. If you do, apologize to him. Or I will find a way to traverse to the afterlife myself and kill you again. When I look upon the stars tonight, I had better find peace staring back at me. For the hope of your eternal soul rests upon that peace. Now die."

&#x200B;

--------------------

I'm still working on a lot of things as a writer, so any feedback or criticism is appreciated <3

Lmfao I just watched that. holy shit.

"And another thing," my boss, Trent, yelled. "If you're late for work one more goddamn time, you're fucking fired! You hear that? Fucking fired!"

"Yes, sir," Trina said as she fought back tears. I just let out a sigh. Fucking asshole. Always flexing on the others that worked here. He learned a long time to leave me the fuck alone, but that didn't stop him from preying on everyone else.

"And another thing, you -" He was interrupted by a loud crash in the storefront. A tremendous roar came from the front, and Trent stiffened.

"Trina, go check that out."

"What, sir? No. I'm only sixteen."

"I didn't ask for your goddamn life story. I said go check that out!"

"Trenton Woods," a deep voice from the front rumbled. "I have come for you. Come out and face me, mortal. I am here to consume every soul in this restaurant, starting with yours."

"I'll fucking take care of it," I say as I roll my sleeves up and walk past Trent.

"Atta boy, Skip. Give 'em hell." I rolled my eyes but continued through the kitchen to the front. As I emerged from the doors, I saw a large red beast with ten horns on his head. He had a long neck, like a dragon, but the body of a bull. His head was that of a human, aside from the horns, and his face was betraying the obvious emotion of pissed off.

"Lloyd," I said. "What are you doing here?"

"Y-your majesty," the creature said before he bowed low. "What are you doing here, sir?"

"I work here; what are you doing here?" I asked again.

"My lord, I was summoned by a girl named Trina Sparks. She made a deal with me to take out Trenton Woods. She gave me ten vials of her blood. Virgin blood, sir. I couldn't say no to such a deal. You know how much I love a good drink." Fucking Trina.

"Trina! Get out here," I bellowed. The girl slowly pushed her head through the door. She was shaking in fear, though I had no clue what she was scared of. She summoned the damn thing.

"Did you summon this?" I asked, pointing at Lloyd.

"Uh. I mean. Yes? Maybe. Am I in trouble?" she squeaked.

"You should be. What would your parents say!? You summoned a being of the underworld to kill your boss. And everyone else in here, might I add. Me included. How would you have felt if Lloyd had killed me? Would you have been fine with that?"

"No. I mean. I didn't tell him to kill everyone. I just wanted Trent gone."

"Lloyd! Are you adding souls to your deals again?"

"My lord." The demon bowed even lower if that were possible. "I'm sorry. I take liberties when the deals are not worded specifically." I walked over and thunked him on the back of the head.

"We don't take extra human souls. They will come to us when it is their time." I walked back to Trina. "And as for you. Don't make deals with demons. You never know what could happen. Take this for instance. He was probably going to kill you, too. Did you have a specific clause about not killing you in the contract?"

"What contract?" she asked meekly.

"What contract!? Lloyd, what the fuck, man? You didn't even have the poor girl sign a contract!?"

"Uh. It was a handshake agreement?"

"You don't have hands! I'm surrounded by idiots." I buried my face in my hands. "Absolute. Fucking. Idiots."

"I'm sorry, my lord. I will take Trenton Woods' soul and be gone."

"Eh, what the hell? I could use the promotion anyways. Trent, get out here!"

I don’t know what I was thinking with that sentence. I fixed it.

What was left of my armor was stained in blood. Most of it had been chipped away by the spears and arrows. Not like I needed it. My body was impervious to any damage from mortal weapons. It was a waste of armor, honestly. But my family insisted I show some modesty. I didn't show any mercy, so modesty would have to do.

I swept my hand out and cut down seventeen men with a blade of fire that shot out of my arm. I swept my hand the other way, and a wave of water appeared and smashed into a small platoon. This was too easy. I almost felt bad. Almost.

I dove into the group nearest to me and willed two blades to my hands, and began spinning like a tornado. I sliced all of their throats, and blood began raining from the corpses. It was glorious. As I finished the group, I stepped out. The next closest group was about fifty yards from me. Far enough that I couldn't kill them from here without magic, and that was no fun. I stepped toward them.

As I did, a small furry creature arose from the ranks. It couldn't be bigger than my foot. Was it a rat? No. Its ears were pointed up. Almost as large as its head. Bigger, even. It had buggy eyes and looked like a demonic rodent. It threw its head back and let loose what I assume was a howl. At least, that's what it was trying to do.

Its stance was much like that of a wolf. Feet in front of its shoulders, bowed down, with its face looking to the sky as it released a high-pitched noise. What in the fuck was this thing?

I stepped forward some more, and, what I assumed to be, the dog continued attempting to howl at me. It was so tiny. I had never seen a dog so small. All dogs from home were mighty beasts that howled with the ferocity of a wolf but had the personality of a domesticated beast. This thing was just pathetic. But something about it was... cute.

I made it to the creature, and it continued barking. I squatted down to get a closer look. It was mostly light brown with a white chest. It had a black snout. Why had they sent this creature out here? I looked up to see if they were advancing while I examined the animal, but they were all still.

I liked this creature. It feared nothing. It showed courage worthy of a creature of the gods. I was going to keep it. I summoned a dark blade to my hand and sliced the air behind me. The space ripped and opened a hole to my home in the heavens. I grabbed the small dog and placed it inside the hole. I closed the hole up and stood back to my full height.

"Whose creature was this?" I yelled at the men as they cowered behind their shields.

"Mine, m'lord," one man said from the third row.

"Come forth," I bellowed. He made his way out of the group and stood in front of them all. "Closer, mortal." He came to stand right in front of me. I raised a hand, and lightning struck behind him, killing all of the men he previously stood with. The battlefield was empty except for him and me.

"I have spared your life on this day in exchange for your furry warrior. Spread word of this kindness I have done. I have done what I have never done in history. I have shown mercy. Go forth and spread the news."

&#x200B;

---------------------------------------

Let me know what you think! I'm still working on my writing. Any feedback or criticism is welcome.

He was who I was thinking of as I wrote it :)

I changed it to Aphrodite. Makes more sense that he'd flirt with her, anyways.

"Fuckkkkkk," I said as a woman ran across my path. She was dressed in fine garments and wore one of those stupid pointy fucking hats with ribbon coming off of it.

"Oh, daring hero, can you help me?" she asked as she flung herself at me. "I'm being chased by one of the Emperor's hunting parties. They'll be following quickly. Surely a hero of your stature can save me."

I peeled her hand off my shoulder, turned her around, and gave her a light push.

"Nope, keep running. I'm sure you'll find somebody."

"But hero, it must be you! They will be upon me before I find anyone else!"

"Not a hero," I said as I pushed past her. "You better get to running instead of talking. People might think you want to be found."

I wasn't playing this shit anymore. That was the third princess this fucking week. I didn't have time for this shit. Ever since that witch unlocked my memories from a past life, I've been so over this. I thought it would bring me great power and knowledge. All it did was make me sick of this shit.

Six times. Six! Who gets reincarnated as the same fucking guy six times? Sure, I was good at it. It had worked out in my previous five lives. But now that I had the memories of all of those lives, I wanted to be something different. Do something different. I was going to be a llama breeder.

But first, I needed to find a llama. Well, two llamas, actually. A male and a female. Then I had to find a place to raise my llamas. The problem was I had no skills. My entire life, I had been raised to be a chivalrous knight. I was trained in the way of martial combat, I was the best in the land with a sword, and I was able to talk my way into anywhere. But now, all of that was useless. Nobody cared if a llama breeder could use a sword. Only if he could breed llamas.

I had heard of the great llamas out east. They were gallant and fluffy, and some said they could even carry a fully-grown man on their back. I was on my way east to find two such llamas and procure them. I had thought about entering combat tournaments, but then I might fuck around and get roped into saving a princess or something. No, I had to make this work without using any of my knight training.

"Maybe I'll work at a bar," I said as I continued down the road.

"Sir, please!" the princess cried out. I let out a sigh. Fuck.

"Is there a reward for this?" I asked as I turned to her.

"Of course, sir, my father will pay you anything for my safe return."

"And just so we're clear, there is no fucking legend or prophecy about a great hero in your kingdom, right?"

"Well, legend tells tale of a brave knight who - "

"Nope, not interested." I turned back around and began down the road again.

"Fine, no prophecies! Just save me this one time. One time thing. We'll pay you, and you can be on your way to wherever you're going." I let out another sigh.

I drew my sword as a pack of three men on horseback came riding onto the road from the forest.

"Does your family have any llamas?" I asked as they approached rapidly. There better be fucking llamas for this shit.

&#x200B;

--------------------------------------------

Let me know any feedback or criticism, I'm still working on my writing overall. <3

I didn’t know that about Athena. I knew Artemis wasn’t about that life, but TIL. Thanks!

"So, what are we doing here? Really?" Zeus asked the group around the table.

"I believe we were about to say who gives a damn and drink!" Thor thundered from beside his father.

"Hear, hear!" Dionysus said as he took a sip from his goblet. Someone was already pre-gaming.

"I'm just going to go home and get ready for my nightly bout with Apophis. Bastard won't give up after all these years," Ra said lazily.

As Zeus went to slam his gavel on the table, the doors to the conference room burst open. In walked a winged man, equal parts beautiful and terrifying. His wingspan was easily the length of three cars. His left wing was black as night, while his right wing was white as snow.

"Hello, friends. I'm sorry I'm late," the winged man said.

"And who the fuck are you?" Odin said as he stood with a start.

"My given name is Samael, though I prefer the name Lucifer. Lucifer Morningstar. Humans have taken to calling me that over the years, and it feels quite nice."

"Lucifer! What business have you here!?" Zeus bellowed from the head of the table.

"I've heard we're giving my father a performance review. I've come to weigh in."

"Your father?" Odin asked cautiously.

"Yes. I know you're all gods, but he goes by just God. Yahweh, some call him. Allah, others call him. Some lunatics think a man named Jesus was his embodiment, the poor saps. I just know him as dear old dad. And I'm one of his creations, an archangel. Well, I was an archangel. It's debatable as to if I still am or not." The angel conjured a chair at the end opposite Zeus and sat.

"Lucifer... why does that name sound so familiar?" Ares pondered aloud. The god of war got a furrowed look on his brow before he snapped his fingers and pointed. "You're Satan! The Lord of Christian Hell!"

"Don't limit me so much. I'm the Lord of Hell. Period. If a soul dies, it comes to me if it doesn't belong to one of you lot. Which judging by business over the last several thousand years, most souls come to me."

"They used to come to me," said Hades in a morose tone.

"Don't be so down on yourself! A lot of my inspiration comes from you!" Lucifer exclaimed.

"Really?" Hades said as he brightened up a tad.

"No, I think I might actually predate your popularity a little. Again, it's debatable. I was just trying to be nice." Hades pouted.

"What brings you here, Lucifer Morningstar?" Zeus asked as he lowered his gavel back down on the table and resumed his seat.

"To talk about dear old dad, of course! What do you want to know about the old fucker? I just heard we were discussing him and had to come, but ask me any questions. I'm an open book."

"We were meeting to decide whether or not to invite him into our joint pantheon. But to do that, we must know his true intentions first. Is he truly good as he says he is?" Zeus asked.

"Is my dad truly good? Let me ask you something, is anyone you know that is willing to flood the entire planet outside of a single ship a good person? I mean, that's happened multiple times throughout history. Were any of those gods truly good?" Lucifer leaned back with a laugh. "I don't think so."

"Did you know that my father once killed forty-two boys with two bears?" Lucifer asked. "Just two. Had them maul all the kids to death."

"He sentenced children to death?" Odin cried. "That is not the sign of a just god."

"He ordered one of his main boys, Abraham, to kill his own children. And the psycho almost did it! That's the kind of loyalty my father inspires. Or is it fear? I don't know, honestly. I've never understood the devout loyalty to the old man."

"He would have family turn on family?" Poseidon asked.

"As if your kind has had any problem with that," spat Isis.

"This is not a trial of my family, witch," hissed Poseidon.

"Hey, hey, everybody," Lucifer said in a calming tone. "Let's all just calm down. We don't want to turn on each other, right? We're just talking about my dad. Who else wants to hear a story? Oh, did you know he once killed the firstborn of every single family in Egypt? Think about all the babies. Their lives just," he made a snap with his fingers, "gone. In an instant. Well, not in an instant. He made it a slow affair. Dad always had a flair for the dramatic."

"Why are you telling us all of these things, winged angel?" Thor asked. "I would never turn on Odin."

"Nor I on Zeus," said Aphrodite, who had been uncharacteristically quiet up until this point.

"Are you Aphrodite? Oh, love. I'd love to get to know you more intimately." Aphrodite blushed, but Lucifer carried on. "Were you expecting me to come in here and sing my father's praises? No, my dad's a fucking dick. I'm here to cement your idea about not letting him join. It is quite possible that he's more powerful than you all, though."

"Impossible," said Zeus.

"None are more powerful than me," said Ra.

"I am the All-father!" yelled Odin.

"And I am Lucifer Morningstar," the angel said in a threatening tone. He stood up and flapped his wings, and the lights flickered. His eyes glowed white as he said, "And I challenge any of you to step up to me."

All three of the gods who had previously spoken up tried to stand but couldn't. They were stuck. Their leg muscles simply weren't responding to them. Their arms all went limp beside them. They went to speak, but their mouths disappeared from their faces. They were limp, silent bodies. The other gods looked on in horror as they stared back at Lucifer.

"See?" he said calmly as he sat back down in his chair. The gods' mouths returned, and their arms seemed to work again. Odin and Zeus both stood up to check that their legs now worked. Ra just looked at Lucifer cautiously. He examined him and took him all in. He knew something wasn't right about the angel, but he couldn't place his finger on what.

"You dare challenge me!" Zeus proclaimed, summoning a lightning bolt to his hand.

"Sit, Zeus," Ra said calmly.

"Who are you to tell me what to do!?" Zeus bellowed.

"I say this as your friend, Zeus. Sit. That was merely a fraction of Lucifer's power. Am I correct, Lucifer?" Lucifer smiled.

"You are correct, Ra. But don't feel bad, gents. Many would say I'm more powerful than even my father. He simply created me with a flaw that only he can exploit. Old bastard that he is, he did have foresight. But I do believe him to be more powerful than you lot, so I would tread carefully. Don't label him negatively. Just don't label him at all. Leave him be, and he will leave you be. He's worshipped and adored by billions. As long as you don't make a slight against him, he has no reason to turn his ire toward you."

"How did you become so powerful?" Zeus asked as he dismissed the lightning bolt and collapsed in his seat.

"We scale off of how many people believe in us, you see. Four thousand years ago, we were weaker than everyone at this table. But now? Now we're among the most powerful beings in the cosmos."

"Huh. Who'd have thunk of that?"

"It was quite a brilliant design by whoever made my dad. And I assume all of you, as well. We all had to come from somewhere, right?" There was a murmur of agreement around the table. "Now, before I came in, I heard someone say something about drinks. I love a good mead, and I've heard Asgardian Mead is unbelievable. Shall we go back to your place, Odin?"

&#x200B;

--------------------------------

&#x200B;

Please let me know what you think, any feedback or criticism is much appreciated! <3